Featured

Sic

People think they know.

I wasn’t allowed to have my own radio until I was 15!

And then, the Rock that I liked was “not good” and too loud, so… no.

It was easier not to like ANYTHING.

When I was 17 I got to try again or I just took a radio from somewhere and put it in my room.

I get super into CDs.

Can’t be mad about magic you don’t understand.

I found one of my Father’s CDs.

It goes from

Abba- DANCING QUEEN

To

Crimson and Clover by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

To

Rockin’ into the Night by .38 Special

I was freaking in.

YOU’RE NEVER GETTING IT BACK!

Is what it is.

Thank you.

Papa does have good taste in music.

I realized the value of good cds.

I do like the movie Tangled in a very personal way.

“You want to go outside?”

No phone, no cable, no music

No unapproved film.

And people wonder why my imagination is what it is.

The things you see.

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Dreamland

Yesterday, I did everything I meant to do except nap and meditate.

They are so important.

Do you sleep well?

I’ve never been the best sleeper.

Here’s to getting it right tomorrow.

Don’t you make fun of me.

No-you-are old.

Stay Safe, Please.

Have a good weekend.

Eat something greasy, I will not tell.

Are you ready for this?

I never played Kirby on SNES.

I was a fan of the cartoon.

So basic. Heaven help me.

I LOVED HIM.

He could fly!

He was so sweet until you went there.

The first time I played as Kirby it was on the original Smash Brothers and I loved him more.

EEEEE!

Good NightDay.

Of course the hammer is my favorite, it is so funny!

WhaM!

I said Good NightDay!

Featured

Break

Some people think that if you are homosexual, that automatically makes you not a racist. I don’t know about you, but everywhere I’ve ever been the gay culture has been incredibly racist. And homophobic but that is not what we are talking about today.

This is so disgusting. You may not have heard it though, so here goes.

Some gay people have a “better them than me” attitude towards others in the social hierarchy and throw them under the bus as a way of getting along with straights.

Pressure is an incredible thing.

Sometimes (to most), it is their own racism. These people who raised them scandalized them for their identity. They are not the kind of people who understand biology, and they certainly are not looking to understand.

A Few Things-

Once I hit 10, my family never left me alone about sex, mainly out of a desire that I reproduce. (FOR REASONS KNOWN BUT TO gOD) They also believed that my lifetime of same-sex attraction would go away if I started sleeping with women. I flat out refused and my life was made unbearable the longer I fought them.

The first person I chose to sleep with was male. He was a bag of dirt but he was male.

On with the show-

I was telling someone who loved me a lie. A lie about losing my virginity. It was a lie because I made it up.

I lost my virginity in 1994.

So, I am nearly sixteen and I’m finally getting ready to do it for real. I hadn’t yet, but I wanted to. It would be another year.

I made this story up. Unfortunately, I got comfortable, and afterwards I went off-script and ended up confessing for real. Sometimes, it’s like that.

I told this person the truth about what my preferences were.

They got a scandalized smile on their face. Not about to overly-graphic made-up sex scene but my honest feelings.

When they spoke again I wasn’t expecting it.

“I’ll tell you what my Mama told me, don’t hate them but don’t date them.”

NEXT

For someone who went to Club Imagination every time he could get there, I was a bit of a prude. All of my friends were more sexually active than I was. I just really liked dancing.

At 18, I was too open with my friends about my love life. You see, there is a lot of pressure for sexual gossip in the gay community. They are beyond dehydrated. It always reminded me of the way straight men would talk about women when they weren’t around. It was gross. If I could go back and say, KEEP YOUR BASIC EYES OFF MY BODY AND YOUR GROSS STORIES TO YOURSELF, I would, but I cannot.

What I can do is tell you about the one time I met a guy at Imagination who I thought was handsome.

It is the end of the night. My young legs are worn out from dancing and it’s time to go. My friend and I are leaving.

As we’re walking out this guy and I make eye contact.

It was amazing.

Everyone around us saw us make eye contact.

It was the only time I’ve walked up and introduced myself to a Gentleman.

When He smiled at me I put an arm around Him.

The Audacity!

So, we trade numbers and agree to meet up later.

It was the first date I had set up beforehand. It would have been the only date I’d ever been on, period. (I have never been on a date.)

Let’s just land, shall we?

This guy hit all my buttons. He was sweet and when I looked in His eyes I could see Him.

I was so excited.

The date was about a week off.

And then the “friends” started.

One friend who was always too interested in my sex life made horrible, mocking, racist jokes to me. I wasn’t at the place yet where he wouldn’t speak that way in front of me. So, Humiliation. First was humiliation.

(I have a particular hatred for white people telling Black jokes. It isn’t funny. For awhile in my teens felt I was entitled to makes jokes about anything, as vulgar as I wanted because I was gay-that nonsense was incorrect.)

These were the same people who were only looking for one person sexually. Don’t make me talk about it.

My other “friend” (the one who’d been there when I MET HIM)found out what day my date was and would not stop trying to make plans with me that interfered with date.

In the end, I met him, late, and we walked around the Wiregrass Commons Mall for about 15 minutes.

And he left. Never saw him before or since, can’t even remember his name.

I would burn down your house to have that kind of man’s attention today.

No-YOU BEHAVE.

I still hate myself for the look in that beautiful man’s EYES!- I did that.

JUDAS!

I freakin’ know, I am still sorry. Will always be sorry. That one still hurts.

He smelled like Winter.

I gotta stop.

Doesn’t matter now.

Don’t let idiots at your emotions.

Don’t let anyone drive you away from someone who is compatible. That is rare.

LAST

The first boy who woke up my sexuality was a tall boy with glasses. He was attractive. Unfortunately, he was straight.

I figured, even though he wasn’t homosexual, that there had to be other men like him who were.

I was 15(?). I had never seen a person and thought- That, ForEver!! Thank You.

I was a fan.

I must have let something slip in front of one of my more racist relatives because they started going hard on how evil Asian people where and how they could not be trusted.

Which is funny because (white) Americans are the ones who agree to things and then realign when it suits their purpose, but whatever.

No one acted that way about friends only when things turned to sex.

I don’t know how racism and insecurity are tied, but I know that they are. (Self-Loathing might be a better term.) That, and that racism is everywhere. People who pretend it’s not are lying.

I’d like to point out that these things happened simply because I was CONSIDERING dating outside my race.

And because people are terrible, and so was I.

Weak.

Don’t be an idiot.

In fact, talking about other races of men solely in terms of my own sexual desires is messed up by itself!

Everywhere!

Don’t go around hurting people.

Whatever the justification for it, the reason is the same.

Featured

Ruff Rider

This book is amazing.

You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey (2021) by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar

Should NOT be the first book I’ve read like this.

It was not what I was expecting.

You think, 20-or-so essays about a specific-

THERE ISN’T ENOUGH SPACE!

It’s incredible.

If you can, get the hardcover and audio editions.

Omaha.

The Amber Ruffin Show airs tonight at 9P.M. EST

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History.

The past few days, I’ve been binging those “rough” TikTok compilations, Cheating, Abuse, etc.

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

Don’t. It’s gross.

A Couple Things-

I know that people are people, but every time I see a guy who has been cheated on, I wonder what has really happened. I know you know what I mean.

When a man cannot get the people around him to side with his version of who he says a woman is, he will start calling her a whore.

One- You are pathetic. Learn.

and

TWO-

SHE is not a whore because she DOESN’T want to have sex with you. Especially if you’ve already had sex. You are just mad. The only people who believe you are the ones who think the same way as you. As in, “also wrong”. Unfortunately, it is most of them.

NEXT!

Trust.

Trust is fundamental to your health.

Abusers gain your trust for the sole purpose of smashing it to bits. It serves two goals (that I know of)- It makes you question your judgement and permanently damages your ability to trust yourself.

He doesn’t want you to trust him. He doesn’t trust him. He wants you to doubt yourself.

She is on fire this morning.

(Thank you, Green Tea!)

NEXT!

Love.

There it is.

“I love him.”

You do not. Listen to me, please. I love you.

I know that you have shown love. That you feel attached, and it feels like love.

Love doesn’t leave you empty. There is no system where you have to pay for good love. However good it ever is or has been, it cannot account for abusive behavior. Those two things are unrelated.

It is connected in his mind because there is no such thing as love. He doesn’t believe in love, regardless of what he tells you. His love is a preventive measure for later.

You have to have a working knowledge of who someone is before you can truly love them.

You’ve never met. No, you two do not know each other. That’s why he wanted to know everything about you and then stopped once he felt he had you figured out. He has manipulated you in every way, including giving you misleading information about who he is, on purpose. Not because he is unintentionally lying but because it is his motivation to deceive you. He would never ever, EVER, let you get close enough to hurt him in a way he couldn’t handle. Not on purpose.

American Society is the worst when it comes to harboring abusers.

We see you.

You know what is going on. You do not deserve it.

When you learn to treat abuse as an assault (however it happens), it is life-changing.

My only advice is to stay alive.

A good way to know is to ask yourself, “Is he hurting me?”

I would’ve said “they” to be inclusive, but I am confident that there are plenty of women with better words to speak on female abusers.

Tear down the illusions he has spread among your friends and family.

Abusers rely on their victim’s cooperation in their deceptions.

Pay no mind to people who scandalize living single or don’t like the show Living Single.

They are joyless.

NEXT

Featured

Yesterday,

I went at that workout.

Today, my right tricep is on fire.

Because being healthy is pretty new to me, I still have to deal with some baggage from my former lazy thinking.

I have had arthritis since I was 25.

Basically, it’s

Do I want to be perpetually sore?

Or

Do I want my body to turn against me?

It’s fine.

The first thing.

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Shower

When I was younger, around six or so, I was in Nightmare Country. I had a nightmare every night. It was terrible, sometimes more than one.

My imagination conjures up some epic shit. Usually, my nightmares came in in separate series’s, like novels. The worst were the ones that wouldn’t go away.

*******

In this set- My Father had sold me to Barbarians.

They taught me through tests.

*

I am in windowless room.

A man stood asking me-

“How can you hurt me?”

I did not answer.

Again, “How can you hurt me?”

After some violence I am asked for the final time,

How can you hurt me?”

……“You have a son…”

The man stopped.

“Named Casey.”

Someone else came out from behind me.

They begin to speak.

“How did you know that?”

*

Another was all violence.

Another Room.

I was put through everything.

In the end, I am worn down, bloodied, and in pain.

I begin to laugh.

He is taken aback.

“You can’t hurt me.”

Why?”

“Because they loved me.”

********

Those were their own set. My poor Father.

That is heartwarming to ponder. That terrifying beast trying to calm me down. Because it’s what good parents do.

He’d ask me again to describe the dream.

And again,

After- Him- “I’d never sell you!” Incredulous and mildly tickled.

Me- “You don’t know!”

He would laugh and I would start crying.

He’d never willingly let me go.

*******

It is all connected, but the pictures and lessons are different.

*******

Later On,

Sonic the Hedgehog was my FAVORITE video game.

The water stages were so stressful it formed a terrible recurring nightmare.

The sun is setting as I fly off a ramp into the sea.

Water with a motion puzzle I could never solve in time,

Where the sound effect was the same as I sank to the bottom.

To the POINT

That when it wouldn’t stop-

I would drown myself immediately rather than let the dream have me.

Eventually, because of this specific dream, I learned how to wake myself up from a nightmare.

It was because of that I even learned I could control some dreamscapes.

That just came back to me.

They should all be that useful.

*******

Now days, when those type of things come to me I am more entertained than anything.

Nightmares hurt so bad.

They can be worth it.

I’ve always paid attention to dreams.

You can learn a lot.

You can also forget.

When I stopped having nightmares consistently I lost access to ability to wake myself up. It is still there, I just can’t hold it in my hand.

Same with the dream control. I never have access to it even though I’m aware of it’s existence.Those are two skills I wish I had ready to go.

Whatever.

*******

Please take care of yourself.

Sweet Dreams.

Featured

Shots

🎶Everybody!🎶

Not very long ago, someone told me that everyone who got a COVID vaccine was going to die in two years.

Afterwards, I was asked, “Are you vaccinated?”

“I am.”

My actual feelings rose up surface and I had to add,

“Nothing’s killing me.”

I was so irritated. Because at one time I believed in that nonsense. I spent a lot of time believing conspiratorial horse crap. We already did that. Now, I know better.

[Y2K but more so the year 2,000. Every church in my area was getting ready to be so smug. Then, my own internal panic that I’d ever get out alive, or worse, never get out, or Worst get out and have to go back. More recently, my own stifling hypochondria. He thinks his body will turn traitor or weak even though he is strong and relatively healthy. It is some weird anxiety leftover from a high-stress upbringing, but whatever.]

“Nothing’s killing me.”

Nothing, Except stupid people.

Because now that it’s political it will mutate beyond our ability to combat.

Oh, you’re so good.

Make it worse, make it worse.

🎶Mut-aaaaaa-tion🎶

You may believe what you want to but watch that ish around me.

The people who are lying to you have been vaccinated.

Damn them.

If they weren’t allowed to speak if they’d been vaccinated-

You know what?

Whatever. I gave up on the news before I left home.

My Parents went full MAGA.

He is prone to the end of the world stuff, but I didn’t see it coming. It did upset me but it’s not like I didn’t know he voted Republican.

It’s not fair for Democrats to act like Republicans had a choice when they didn’t. In 2016 they needed a win and those Rebulican debates were a horror. Republicans would have made Romney President.

It doesn’t matter now.

We are past a muffin basket.

Excuse me for a moment.

If the Democrats can’t stop the hissing an maintain ORDER in the ranks they deserve what they get.

No, you cant play “golf” when they are playing “blood sport”.

Anyway,

Do your best.

Thank you for trying.

“Ogg not scared, Ogg just gonna die.”

Stay Alive, Please

💜⚡️-thank you for listening to an odd man ramble. It’s cold out here. Please stay warm.

GoodNight.

GoodDay.

Get some Rest.

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Diss

I had horrible acne. It was so gross and so aggressive that it stayed on my face for years.

The acne came first. By the age of 11, I was getting small pimples that blossomed into a horrific case of acne in the next few years.

Everyone has the solution.

They do not.

You are hormonal and stressed.

All you can do is calm down, and sometimes it is impossible.

Everyone in my life thought that having sex with a girl would “fix it”.

May I just say-

Leave people alone about sex. At all times, but specifically when they are young.

It’s confusing because you are confused or uncomfortable and projecting, and it makes us confused and uncomfortable.

Anyway

I tried everything in the world.

Nothing works.

Eventually, I stopped going to church, and that cleared up a lot of nonsense for me.

My acne cleared up when I came fully into myself at about 16.

I was having a breakdown in the bathroom with the loud fan on, and I ended up on the floor. At my weakest, worst moment, it felt like the pain would kill me.

Just past that, something inside broke through to light.

It clicked. (It was soaked in religion, but it did happen.)

We are told that God created us straight (normal) and that our sexual desires are wrong. You cannot blame them. It is what they were taught. Most of them haven’t met the gay-m changer yet. Just keep going.

You don’t have to believe that shit for a second, though. Don’t you dare waste your time wondering as I did.

Now, they cannot understand you, and because of that, they will try to diminish you.

If you let it at you as I did- BECAUSE HOW COULD THEY ALL BE WRONG? -it will show up in your body. Sometimes it is in your body and sometimes in your mind but it is always there for you, even after they’ve moved on from their ignorance.

I carry these scars everywhere because of that nonsense.

I was forbidden and rightly afraid.

It would have been worth it.

I’d have died, but who knows, maybe I’d have gotten him before it was over.

Don’t listen to her. She is just furious.

What is ironic is that, in retrospect, he wishes he didn’t do that.

He is the most intelligent person I’ve ever known, and it made me mad that he acted like there was anything anyone could do about it.

We would have had much more fun smoking weed than fighting like Kodak and a jaguar, but whatever.

He’s always known everything except how to make me behave.

I’m kidding. I behaved because I wanted to.

We are okay now. My Family generally acts correctly about and around my Husband.

Being an adult is as fabulous as you think it is and more.

You can eat whatever you want!

If you don’t care how long you live.

You can do whatever you want!

If you don’t care where you live.

Okay, so there are rules, and there is aging, but being an adult is the BEST.

In America, we romanticize childhood, get past our twenties, and act like our lives are over for 50 or 60 years before we die.

THAT IS MALARKEY!

Our prime. Our 20s.

NOT!

I have it on good authority that 35-65 can be the best years of your life. And before you get smart, my Grandfather, so, watch it, sister.

(My idol was Joan. She went out old, rich and on top. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHE LEFT MELISSA? Not enough to keep them from ripping her off. I’m behaving.)

I don’t think people should ever stop willingly.

Fight it.

Fight it, Fight it, Fight it.

I do understand and appreciate the beauty of youth,

When did that become the only kind of beauty?

I’m not young, and I have never been “pretty”. Time can be a good thing. I’m not any taller, but I am getting cuter.

Because I’ve waited my whole life for this right here.

There are all kinds of boss-ass people and experiences waiting for you everywhere all the time.

It’s going to be fine and so are you.

Featured

BOYZ

From the age of 10 our summer job was digging worms. To do that, you go to a “bait bed” which is a live worm farm.

Acres of peatmoss covered with peanut shells. They must be in the shade. You must keep them watered very closely. Thought you’d like that description. At a rate of $5 per 1,000 it was basically volunteer work.

This dark, damp, place is where I spent every summer vacation until I realized it was meaningless. Five years? Six? I don’t want to think about it.

My Brother, Brody worked alongside of me and generally much harder.

Brody struggled with our social standing and fought it by acting like he was too important to be bothered and wearing bougie clothes to school. I have never given a damn about peoples nonsense like that. I enjoy looking nice, but I couldn’t care less about clothes.

He and I would work all day, from 7-4.

It got extra hot on those extra-humid baitbeds.

(It’s one of the ways I started loving storms.)

He would demand his portion of what we earned from our Father. I let our Father keep my money for two summers. Brody didn’t do it once. He did the work, now. He could dig 7,000 worms on an easy day. I only got about 2,500. (12,000 was the most I ever got.) That’s $35 vs. $10 so we can understand. Also, the first year my money wasn’t there when tax free weekend came up, and that was painful, but I understood.

Brody and I had a very close early childhood that became contentious when we were in second and third grade respectively. I don’t want to think about it, but other people’s opinions on my appearance and attitude became a problem for him, when it never had been before. I never really acknowledged him distancing himself from me and it hurts to this day but what can you do? People are people. That Man couldn’t stop loving me if he tried, but whatever.

We are into our fifth(?) summer on the baitbeds and Brody starts with me. I was not successful in making any real friends since changing schools and he had become popular.

He was telling me again that, basically, it was all my fault. Him and my Father. Ask them whose fault it is🙄.

Normally, I would let it go. There was no winning with those two.

He said something that was over the line.

I looked at Him.

He said, “What?”

I said, “Leave me alone.”

He started criticizing me louder. I repeated myself again and again.

Louder, Again.

Eventually, I was ready to kill him. Family can do that. He was right there, screaming nasty shit at me because he assumed I’d let him get away with it.

I usually did. I don’t know what happened.

When I reached my limit, my hand found the handle of the worm-digger.

(a sawed-off version of THIS beauty-)

I think claw-hoe is the actual term. Also Called the “I Wish She Would”.

Brody knew exactly were we and what we were doing. He knew who I was, and he knew better than to act that way. He knew he was wrong.

It was a break. I guess I could’ve tried harder.

So, what happened was I wanted to throw it at him. I did. I wanted to shut that ass up.

When I grabbed it I knew I couldn’t kill him but I couldn’t stop my motion either so when I roared and hurled it, it was 🎶over to the left🎶.

I threw it so hard it spun forward and sank into the wood of a tree.

At that moment, I realized I didn’t need superpowers.

I knew that I was scared all the time for nothing.

Probably the most butch ish I’ve ever done.

I mean he didn’t make a sound for a second, and if he had, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I almost immediately calmed down, and smiled, because it was freaking hot. I wished the Boys in my Class would speak to me the way He did. None of the Boys saw me irritated but Preston.

While I was sitting there feeling vindicated, he was “not having this”.

He got mad. OF COURSE. “You threw that at me!”

“I most certainly did not.” And I hadn’t. I wanted to there’s a difference. (“Because of” is not “At”)

It wasn’t what would have been considered his direction.

I felt it and knew I couldn’t hurt him and got the venom out as hard and “not him” as possible. Which is more than they did.

He still went and told our Father because I “scared” him.

The truth is I’d freaked him out.

He was Determined to crush me for rebelling, until 
Papa asked Chan Chan what happened.

“Did you warn him?”

Of Course. Those Were The Rules.

Meanwhile, I just wanted him to leave me alone.

I did not say that, it would’ve made it worse for him. I was horrified by then that I had done it, and I do love my brother. Even so, He got in SO MUCH TROUBLE.

I love Him –AndDAMN it was so fabulous.

I don’t give a damn.

And I did warn you.

HE STARTED IT

Featured

Stars

In Breach, I spoke to one aspect of growing up homosexual. Today I’d like to talk to those who are struggling to bear it.

 

People who grow up next to culture or large cities have a different experience on the whole. Of course, there are those in cities who have it much worse, I am speaking generally.

 

Gay kids in small towns have to deal with a different level of ridiculousness.

 

I actually had a girl I thought was my friend tell me that I was gay because I was possessed by a demon. She was a “new convert”, and I had grown up Baptist. Don’t tell me I am possessed by a demon; I find it offensive.  The statement upset me. And when I tried to calmly explain myself to someone who called me a sinner on our SMOKE BREAK, and she still didn’t listen, I gave up on her completely. Of course, by then, I didn’t believe in demons anyway. 

 

 

 

ANYWAY-

The List
(When there are no other options)

Unless you are Straight Passing-

Don’t let anyone hear you sing.

Don’t let anyone see you dance.

Learn to defend yourself however you can.

Know that you are strong.

Try not to talk.

Never let anyone touch you.

Stay away from whorish or “complicated” straight men.

Learn to parrot the straight men around you, particularly the “soft” ones.

Don’t tell anyone.

You have to wait.

When you can, get out.

Don’t tell anyone. If they don’t straight out betray your confidence, they will tell someone else who will.

If they make you tell lies, be the best at it. You will live Honestly later.

Never lie to Yourself.

Learn everything you can about your surroundings and blend.

Don’t let them send you away.

Running should be the last thing you do without resources.

One Day, You’re going to Wreck the Closet

Don’t Let Them Hurt You.

Just maintain as best as you can. You’re fine the way you are; some people just haven’t come around yet. I know it doesn’t make it better.

We see you.

Fight Back.

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B

For a long time, because of my personality and Father’s methods, I would have nightmares about Him teaching me something in an overly harsh way.

The worry was not being able to do something.

Those dreams felt real and there was a series that would play over and over. He would wake me up and I’d be inconsolable.

The nightmare part was that I couldn’t make myself do it even though I knew I was capable.

Eventually, I took control of teaching myself certain things, learing how to connect with the content in way I could handle. Not talking about his methods here but my specific way of absorbing specific types of information,

And those nightmares went away.

That just occurred to me.

I am 34.

He can be oblivious.

*******

They were replaced by worse.

After them came the Weather Dreams.

At least Three years of that particular nonsense.

I wasn’t until sex dreams that I knew they could be fun.

I had a nightmare every night for at least a year.

*******

I was an intense kid.

I guess I still am.

Things are finally feeling right.

*******

The last few years I’ve gone back and forth in my feelings over my Family.

*******

I sure wish I had gotten more done by now.

Time is precious and I have wasted so much of mine.

*******

Tomorrow’s Another Day

💜💜💜

Featured

Breach

There are things in my mind that have been building for a few days. So that it does not overwhelm me, I will be bringing it here.

Last time this happened, countless repetitive dreams I had blocked out fell back into place.

Today, we are going deep, and I am sorry if it is upsetting. I do try to warn people, but I can’t always.

Today, I want to talk about Parenting a gay kid. Specifically, I’d like to speak to the Fathers. Of course, some of this will apply to Mothers, but there are plenty of gay women who can speak to that in ways I cannot.

Oh, I don’t want to do this. I do not want to do this.

I love my Father and I feel qualified to speak on the dynamic of a Father and a Son.

One- I know you don’t wanna be here. Sorry. You’re here, and so are We. Let’s just get this over with.

My Brother was born first. Had my brother been gay the story would’ve been different. No one is pressured to marry and breed like a first child.

We were summer children set a year apart-My Brother a carbon copy of my Father and me of our Mother. I do not identify as female spiritually, even though that is where most hetero-normal thinking starts. I’ve always been male.

We would teach each other-it was new. They didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I never hated what I was, I only wanted my Family to be happy. So, I tried.

For the first twelve years of my life, I tried desperately to conform. All the while, members of my Family would say, “why are you holding back?”.

Let’s get there,

If my Father could go back in time,

Even though His initial instinct would be to “Fix Me”, I know He would fight it, build an understanding, which would ultimately lead to our having a better relationship.

Which is what He’s always wanted.

Hello.

My Father wanted to meet the people I was sexually attracted too. Desperately. He never left me alone about it. His personal desire that it be a female halted it, and telling him that wasn’t an option.

I knew I wasn’t physically interested in women early. They tasted odd to me. Of course I thought I was just wrong in the head.

We need to get our tastes right, and that time is spent with us clamping down on our normal impulses, seeing them as evil.

I wasn’t turned gay by the sexual assault, the sexual assault happened because I was a sweet, passive, gay boy with questions and no one to ask.

Protecting your kids is the only thing you can do, even when it hurts. My Father had grown up around actual monsters and had his eye on the adults. You have to watch everyone, all the time. He didn’t fail. Things Happen.

Gay kids don’t get to settle into their own sexuality like their heterosexual peers. We are told that our hardwiring is flawed and needs fixing. We are rushed and thrown around and then told we are confused or ignorant.

I knew early that it was biological but thought I was evil, when morality is irrelevant to someone’s sexual nature. Just because it’s different doesn’t make it wrong.

Sometimes it is worse.

It is a fact that I could not come out for fear of my (actual) life.

It STILL makes me angry.

As angry as the first time it occurred to me.

Lots of people have done things that made me want to kill them and I got over it.

Things are different now that I am older, but I will always be aware of the wasted time.

I’ve always been homosexual, despite the constant evidence of how TERRIBLE men are.

You want your Boys to be Strong.

Make them capable.

You want your Boys to be Wealthy.

Make them Right.

Be good to yourself by investing in your future.

 

Teach them to Compete with Everyone, not just the children of “better” Fathers.

If You can’t do anything else, don’t hurt them.

Don’t Hurt Yourself.

You’ll be Alright.

💜⚡

I couldn’t have gotten this out without His help. Thank You.
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A Day

First,

He could barely do three of these

Yoga is not his favorite. It is so good for your body, he isn’t graceful, don’t stand to close.

Then, he Polished off an Apple.

Oh, Snapple

He Never eats enough of the right stuff.

Next, He Went to the Barbershop.

Left Looking Like-

Woof

Came back looking like-

Boop

He has got to sleep better, but alright.

He fell right off that diet-

Good Stuff. Those fries were not on brand, but yes, I ate all that clucking chicken.

It has been time for Tea-

Cheers to You.

People should get more than the weekend.

Drives are fun, right?

I hope the rest of Your day is good to You and that Your weekend is great.

Thanks for stopping in.

💜⚡

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Tea

In a post called Tissues, I wrote some hateful things about my Home.

Some days, I’ve lost hope in the area because of the attitudes of the people.

Why do jerks need everyone to know they are jerks? Whatever. We have better things to discuss.

I guess it’s too much to keep to one’s self? We are not going there tonight.

But that’s everyone, everywhere.

Something unique that sets my Home State apart is that-

There is no North and South here.

It’s all East and West.

And when it snows, I don’t have a single critique.

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Drop

I’ve already grown used to writing in a decent word processor again and it has been a decade since I had one.

I know I could’ve gotten one between then and now, but you know how it is, you think I’ve got this, and WordPad ain’t so bad. It wasn’t so good either.

(Was I the only one who freakin’ loved WordPerfect?)

However, you get there is your business, and the most important thing is to write.

He should’ve known better and gotten his shiz together way before now. Yes, Mother, I know, thank you. I forgot how much I like to make the whole thing pretty. I’ve been hacking away at the page when I know better. That’s not who I am anyway. As mean as he is, he is incredibly delicate.

He likes it when his words look pretty.

That’s alright

He has this foolish notion that he can save people grief if he states something correctly. (…?)

Please don’t waste the amount of time He did.

Prioritize Your Work.

Because You Are Worth It.

It is finally Autumn, you guys.

I’m wearing it out this year. Join Me, Won’t You?

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Last Night’s Movie

Was Spice World.

Sorry you missed it,

Next Time.

I wanted to invite You, but it was after 10. If I’m always supposed to tell you, you gotta lmk.

Now, He is rewatching Game of Thrones.

We are on Season 3, Episode 3.

Night Night

💜⚡️

*****

I know it isn’t as good as the books.

We all know this.

Like a very limited highlight reel.

And the way I watch it, it should be called Cold Intros. I LOVE Winter and Snow and I still didn’t care.

Show me the Tywin.

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Fresh

2021 has been a mess. Not the mess that 2020 was, but a mess none-the-less.

First, we were obsessed with making through the Winter. Spring came and went. Summer has been a SEASON.

Come on Autumn, you got this.

Growing up, I lived in a farming community, and Autumn was unquestionably the “best” time of year.

The area was in a weird hot pocket that makes it perfect for farming and practically uninhabitable in summer.

As much as I love farms, and He DOES LOVE FARMS, I’ve always been an urbanite. I like paved roads and beautiful (NON-SKYSCRAPER) Buildings and People and Sturdy Bridges and all that jazz. Yep. That’s where it is.

Since moving into civilization, each season has has had a light and dark side. It probably has something to do with stimulation and access. Whatever.

What we are going to do this year is remember what Autumn felt like when we were Children.

When you would get one blast of cold, clean air and it was so good, you never forgot it.

When every other night there is a Festival and Festival Food.

When you’re standing by a fire with someone who loves you.

When an embrace heats up and makes you shiver.

MmmmHmmm.

Do whatever you can to keep yourself right. WHILE behaving and keeping yourself safe.

Whatever that looks like.🙄

(We are not safe.-BEHAVE! Pardon me.)

Personally, I will not go another day without exercising this year. Nope. Not on puropose I will not.

I should be exercising right now.

It’s alright, I know it, I know it.

Listen-

This is how we prepare for next year.

No, we are not done, we haven’t even started.

This isn’t over.

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Moonshine

Harvest Moon 2021
(Photos by Me)

I haven’t done this in a while. I hope you like it.

That is How You Slay

Giving you

Werewolf
Witch
And Vampire

It’s been a long time since I did this.

I was overserved. I couldn’t keep up with Her.

Bam
BaM
BAM

I LOVE IT.

My personal favorite-

You are so pretty.

Happy Harvest, And I hope Autumn is Good to You.

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Western

We are headed out west.

Washington Coast

125 Acres

3 residences

Way too much Money.

You love it.

This is the Guest House
Do whatever you want with it, you know I don’t care
She is very Cute
You could film a movie

I’m not showing it to you…yet.

This
Is now a Wedding Venue ($$$)
and I better not hear a thing about it.
A Workshop
“I don’t know what that is…”
We’re putting a tub here.

Are you ready?

We’re going in.

The Main House
Normal McAverage

And-

BAM!
BAM!
BAM!
Wear Them Out for their Doubt
Show Them Who You Are
It has been SO long since I had a decent bath. Years. (Don’t you cry, Bitch, you better pretend you’re fine.)
Rolling in the grass like a child
Where are we?
Washington or Norway?
There We Are.

Thank You for Stopping By.

You Rock.

Seriously, go to sleep.

Or Wake Up!

Whatever.

Thank You.

⚡️☣︎💜

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Marblehead

Tonight we are going to

New York

8 Acres

Join me, won’t you?

I see you, Fierceness
She is a Pretty Girl
Oh Damn
I like everything but the furniture.
It is so busy, those walls should be CREAM. I’m behaving. You put the RED marble in the DINNING ROOM. Everyone knows that.
I told you I’d get you that Kitchen. If you don’t like it do whatever you like, you know I don’t care.
White would’ve been alright here.
You Got me POOL??!?
So this will look like a war zone for a minute but yes it can be saved. Blue and White? Whatever…
What are we doing with this? because we are NOT. While I grew up in a single-wide, we are not keeping a bowling alley in our home. Two Words- Trampoline Park

Clap On

Clap Off-

We’ll get there.

You don’t know.

Except ours will be prettier, you watch.

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Estate

Come with me, won’t you?

We’re going to Virginia.

60 some-odd acres.

I said Hide-and-Seek!
Whhhhaaaaatttt?
Come On
Show Me What You Got
Good Night
I love that, I NEED IT!
those windows!
Eat it, Martha Stewart
Get out of my Room, Please.
DAMN I Love This
This is my Favorite
You was over there and I was over here. That was the deal
Needs to be redone but, the cheekbones
Meet me Outside, Dear
Not in the Garden that the Gods forgot (Without a Wall?)
Not the Garage
Getting Warmer
There We Are

But does it have a Steam Room?

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9-5

My mind is all over the place.

One, forgetting about Afghanistan is some bullshit and not because it’s “embarrassing”. That one is right there.

I’m scared for the Women and the “Others” right now.

The fact that China is involved freaks me out in other ways.

If AMERICANS WERE BETTER AT GEOGRAPHY… Nope.

I’m not being that person today.

We WILL get back to that.

No, you know what? Be better. Buy a map.

In Other News

I didn’t like the state of Texas (Not the People, go on, Diva) before this Abortion Bill malarkey.

American Women deserve our attention and humanity.

Men treat women as if they are only good for one thing, use them, and then discard them whenever it suits them. If you want to talk about men. And they have the nerve to disregard them the entire time.

I’ve known more men to sabotage birth control to get a girl pregnant so he could lay claim to her, but WHATEVER.

Abstinence isn’t practical. Scandalizing self-pleasure isn’t fixing anything.

Instead of educating anyone about their bodies, Americans must be forced into teaching the bare minimum, and tabooing even that information.

PEOPLE GET HURT WHEN THEY ARE STUPID, IS WHY.

We aren’t going there.

What we are going to say is that EVERY American Male should be required to take a course (anywhere between 12-15) called “Emotional Competence” where they teach them to better understand their own internal nonsense and what they can to BE good people, not just seem like good people. I would be more specific, but I am not. Not today because I already hear the Rah-Rahs crying Brainwash And I am in no mood today. That theoretical class is the bare minimum, it should be taught daily in the Home, but we are behaving.

A Bitch is tryin’ to mind.

Anyone else notice the trolls on both sides are bucking? I’m thinking those Red Bitches are Mean, meanwhile Democrats are over here calling randos all kinds of “inbred shitheads” and “dumbasses”. Let’s be real we’ve all hate-typed some mean-ass shit we didn’t really mean in the safely of our own spaces.

Anyone else hoping it snows every damn day this Winter?

Last year was so messed up that looking at the end of the year is too far. Because who freaking knows what holidays, or Winter, or next year will bring?

Today, as ever, I am glad August is over.

I’m happy I got to swim Yesterday.

Tomorrow might be better.

You don’t know

It Might.

Yes, it might!

WELL, IT WON’T WITH THAT ATTITUDE!

I Love You, No Excuses, I’m Sorry.

If we put the amount of energy that we put into pointless fighting into longevity research, we would be damn-near immortal by now.

I cannot think about it anymore today.

Sometimes, it gets lonely down here at the End of Creation.

Thank you for Humoring an Old Man.

Do something nice for yourself today, you deserve to be happy.

****************

Thank you to my Regular Readers

You’re Amazing
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1080

Going into fifth grade my Father married our Stepmother and we moved into the city. Calling Slocomb a city is like calling Dothan “Birmingham”. Trust me, that killed in Alabama.

We’d been living on my Father’s bosses property in a trailer that belonged to us.

We had love if nothing else.

When our Stepmother entered the picture, all our lives changed for the better. She was not what you would call “nice”, but She remains one of the best people I know. She is a truly good person, and I can never be mad about it. We fought like hell over some serious shit, but she is not messing around and neither am I. She does NOT get the amount of credit she deserves for making all our lives better just by existing.

I didn’t need Tyler Perry to sound off to know what it was like having an old school person ranting about the bullshit of today, that was my life, and I loved it. (We love you, Tyler Perry.)

She could make you cry from laughing.

Alright, so when my Stepmother found us eating out of that Pizza Hut dumpster- I’m Kidding!

We moved into the city right at the end of 4th Grade.

The weeks leading up to my departure, the other kids tried to convince me to stay. My Parents let us choose. My Brother chose Slocomb, so I chose Slocomb not knowing that it was two campuses.

The kids in my class did everything they could to keep me there. I thought they were being ridiculous and frankly I thought since my housing situation had gotten better that I would naturally be around better people. I didn’t say it.

Slowly, the kids lost their resolve.

They started shutting me out. They wouldn’t play with me. They wouldn’t speak to me.

By the last day I was so irritated that when Mrs. Faye said I could leave I stood up and walked out without a word.

The Second kid in roll call was the only one to look at me in disbelief.

Rustin, I love your country ass.

ALL YOU COUNTRY BITCHES, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Shut up, Chanzy

Me not saying anything was odd. I don’t know why I did it. We were (mostly) friends and most of it was hard-earned on my part.

The Teacher followed me out to the car, because they used to give a shit about you.

She had brown eyes,

“Are you sure?”

I just sat there, and we left.

If I could see what was about to happen, I never would’ve left Poplar Springs, or the CLASS I would’ve eventually Graduated with.

I would miss all of them very much.

They knew everything and loved me.

Don’t take people for granted, is the point of that one.

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Down

Where I come from, the laws women’s reproductive health were archaic.

When I was very young the only women who had access to birth control were married women. That is some toxic male bullshit meant to keep Women in line.

What I am sick of seeing are all of these nasty comments like- “You should’ve waited until you got married.”, or more likely, some nasty insult sanctioned by their religious beliefs. Beliefs that they have warped to fit their own opinions.

Because they have been taught to see their bodies and minds as inherently evil, they go around spewing that self-hatred and frustration onto everyone who doesn’t agree with their version of the truth.

Forced Abstinence doesn’t work. Abstinence leads to growing rates of STDs and unplanned pregnancies.

Abstinence cannot account for sexual violence, making women guilty in their own worst nightmare.

Personally, I wish I hadn’t had sex until I got married.

That is a personal preference based on My Experience.

It certainly don’t think it works for most people.

People say, “If you can have sex then you can have a kid.”, without acknowledging that your body is reacting normally to stimulation and it’s perfectly natural and

NOT.

A.

SIN.

We get it!-You’ve been forced to override your instincts and see everything as sinful. That is a tragedy and I’m sorry… you may never recover. That is heartbreaking.

What I am going to need you to do is get your ignorant mitts off the Women’s Healthcare, please.

Thank you, Timothy… That is all.

Men have no right discussing or ruling on Women’s Rights.

Women’s Reproductive Rights are Basic Human Rights.

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Beacon

More than once at the Assembly Church, they’d run out of oil in the “fancy” bottle, and they’d break out that Piggly Wiggly Brand Olive Oil.

Yes, they did. Yes, they did!
They absolutely did that-With-the BS Tongues
They scared the hell outta me.
Baptists annoyed me
The Assembly Scared me
Methodists Bored me
The Lutherans almost had me, that drag is fabulous.

I converted at least 50 people. Oh, that one hurts.
I am SCREWED.
No. No.
Because They could have found themselves just fine without my interference and in MANY cases, Their pain would be better treated by FacinG I-T. And I knew that. But he did not. He thought he was helping. And they did keep a tally, now. I brought down the original number because it bummed me out.

Those people never met.
Home Chanzy School Chanzy.

Christian Chanzy was a foul motherfucker.

And I’m only referring to Church shit.

I believe in (for lack of a better word) “God”.
I don’t know anything else.

I don’t wanna hear!

Don’t care.

And if it’s not real?

Well, shit.

Time just keeps rolling…until it doesn’t.

I will see you again.

Fuck it, right?

I spent my early life dedicated to the Christian Church.

It was an escape from home and school.

I had a genuine love and admiration for the Creator.

One Day,
Someone explained that magic wasn’t real.

I said, “What about religion?”

They didn’t say. Or couldn’t convince me once I got started. “Oh, it’s fake.” was my horrified thought. Not that it was all fake, but that my own personal experience was horseshit.
On that dirt road off that county road in the depths of the Alabamian Lowlands.

I knew how crazy the insides of those places got, and excused it because we were family.

Oh fuck.

I could’ve been an acrobat.

I can’t think about it anymore.

Good Lord.

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Royal

I just need my classmates to acknowledge that I would’ve won.

Undisputed

I need to hear you say it.

They were all Human, I was only PART Human.

I could survive outside and it was the law, y’all.

It would have been a different movie.

If I had to I would’ve tried to get everyone at once before they realized what was up but I’m sure they want to see people squirm so I’d have to be sweet.

I could go brutal but more likely I’d play the same role I always did until right before I didn’t.

Two Words-

“Right Here.”

One of the Girls could’ve beat me. She would need to be gone quick. If it’s the sequel, I hope we’re partners. I would have MUCH rather escaped but you know they would’ve shot us anyway. Please! No. They would not leave before it was over. THERE’S YOUR FICTION.

You don’t even know, I still love this movie so much.

If you have never, then you better.

Battle Royale, watch the Extended Cut.

It was so good.

It is still good.

Worst. Geography Class. EVUR-Uh!

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Gon-e

I met Ron Jeremy at the FAIRFIELD INN in Dothan. There was a Courtyard right next door. …..Budgets.

I had not seen any of his movies but I had seen Orgazmo. (*Have not. Woof)

I knew I recognized him, which I’m sure he gets a LoT. He said, “I’m an actor.” Kinda defensively. I didn’t like him.

He seemed (genuinely) mean.

I am a crazy person, and he freaked me out. And I’m unbothered by Sex Workers or Sex Work. For what it’s worth.

I didn’t know his trade. When he left the desk I just thought he was unattractive in a way that had nothing to do with his looks.

And, by the way, I never asked.

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Kirby

My mind lets go of it,

I had a weird dream about a big metal building that was in the snow.

I assume Antarctica.

I was broken and odd. I remembered it initially but I don’t think I got to it quick enough.

I want a good one.

I’m just saying it’s been a WHILE since my last red dream.

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Live

I saw these when they came out

JUST STOP THAT TICKING!”

It changed my Life

“How ’bout Some Ice?”

It was with my favorite roommate. We could not get over Her.

My Favorite Comedy is where a normal person is driven to go off.

I love it.

WILL YOU STOP THE CLOCK WHILE I LOOK FOR MY FINGER?!”

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HOW

Here’s a question-

How (in the world) does wanting to sleep with someone who’s more masculine make you less gay?

I’ll wait.

That is incorrect.

I once overheard a boy say, “It isn’t gay if it’s Chanzy.”

It made me angry. Everything makes me angry but that one I remember.

It cannot be “less gay”.

That’s freaking ridiculous.

Too bad the straights won’t just admit that they’re sometimes curious, but since we don’t live in Dreamland, we have to watch them put all kinds of barriers between them and their (natural) curiosity.

I cannot.

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OUT

I came out to a friend’s Mother and She said,

“That’s wonderful, here’s some cake.”

At which point I was presented with chocolate cake.

She was also the person who figured out that red was my color.

I didn’t even know.

I have had different coming out experiences, hear me, HAVE HAD DIFFERENT COMING OUT EXPERIENCES.