I wanted to get up and go right to work on getting back in my routine. When I am “on the ball” life feels good. Lately I have been struggling with my scheduling and showing up for myself. Also the stress of being behind on home maintenance is weighing heavily on my heart.
Career wise, I have not been working as hard as I should to ensure my success. Parellel, I struggle with my weight.
Recently all I can think about is money and how unattractive I feel. It feels impossible to be happy in America right now. I don’t want to think about that any more today.
So the darkness has just tried to take right the fuck back over my life and I refuse to let it win.
I did exercise today. It’s a win.
I fed myself and didn’t let myself starve for no reason all freaking day. He’s winning.
Anything I write at this moment is going to be colored by my lackluster mental state.
The only things in this world that soothes my nerves are car trips and hot baths.
Gas is so high I can’t drive anywhere.
This house has two bath tubs and neither of them is acceptable for an actual bath.
Did you know that when we moved in here, the only thing I asked for (and this is true to this day) was a decent bath tub. We’ve been here so long it wouldn’t matter now.
You don’t even know, Baths are like half my personality, and it’s been so long since I had a decent one that it makes me (actually) upset to think about.
I’m mad at myself. I let this happen and here we are.
Treat yourself like your needs are irrelevant, see what it gets you.
Sometimes, even when you keep your priorities simple, people feel as if they need to push you past your endurance.
No, I am going to have hot baths again if I have to move to another fucking country.
And I will see the world. Watch me.
I don’t care what anyone else wants or doesn’t want. It doesn’t matter.
I am a human and I do deserve to be happy and I don’t give a damn why anyone else might believe otherwise.
Do you love people, and try your best? Then, fuck worrying about everyone else when no one considers you a priority.
I’d love for this to b a world where you can share your preferences and shortcomings with people and it could all lead to a better life for everyone but sadly that is not the case.
You are worth the investment.
I did what I could today with the resources available to me.
I posted almost this same exact rant almost a year ago.
I ate it so hard tonight… undeniable shit show tonight.
I don’t know what happened, except maybe that I wasn’t balanced, if you understand.
Twice now my instincts told me not to go up, and I did it anyway, and twice I went down in flames.
Hey, fun fact, I am a solid performer, but I am not someone who has access to all of “It” anytime I “want to”.
What I mean is that just because I can do many things it doesn’t mean that I can channel it all whenever I like.
Today I sang something and said, “Oh I sound great.” Which never happens, I should’ve been warned.
Speaking is the one that is easiest to do; not tonight it wasn’t. One of the only laughs I got was from humming. It was a terror burp, I was pulling up nothing.
So, I am up there, I make a joke I didn’t want anyone to laugh at, they all did.
I said, “Insurrectionists, make some no-o-o-ise” and they all did. I was hoping for nothing, it was a test. It was a test.
I had them for about three jokes, about 30 seconds, and lost them.
I kept going, trying to be as real as possible, as that is the best stuff for me.
I went dark immediately…and they did not like it.
Things that affected my performance-
My bowels are affected by anxiety and on show day its always terrible.
Thank you. Today was parshitularly bad. I thought it was a fart, it wasn’t a fart.
Moving on. I spent the whole night thinking I was going to terror-blast-shit. all night.
I hated my outfit. I looked good last time. I opted out of repeating outfits. I have sworn a blood curse upon those low-rise jeans. I wore my old, safety outfit. It was bland, even by my standards. I CANNOT GO ON STAGE LOOKING LIKE SHIT. I can’t. I hate shopping! I HATE SHOPING FOR CLOTHES! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. TOMORROW! Fuck that hurt.
They were ready to go with me, too, and I just fucking missed it. Last time, it was due to being intoxicated, this time it was due to being sober. It makes sense and it doesn’t make sense.
It was terrible, it was fucking terrible.
Something happened where the things I described were no longer funny to me. They were, but only in the darkest way and no one felt what I was saying.
I tried to retreat into my anger, but since my anxiety was jacked to hell it came out real AND, NO ONE GOT THE JOKE.
I said some super dark, real shit up there and usually it scores- NOTHING. Because I couldn’t get my mind right.
I felt it beforehand but there’s nothing you can do about it.
I got a lot of shit from the audience, and I tried to play back, but, no one got it (and it wasn’t great anyway).
Pretty much told them to shut the fuck up while I was talking.
I thought I’d get them back with the dark marriage joke but they didn’t think that was funny. Not being mean, there were no couples by then.
Some mean queen with blonde hair practically sat in my husband’s lap throwing something away-AND THEN LEFT BEFORE I COULD USE IT ON STAGE! Him leaving might have made me the maddest, I knew I could use that to be better and the son of a bitch left me standing there. I wanted to make his hateful ass laugh and then ignore him, but whatever.
I HATE IT!
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?
So, right before I went on, two tables full of people left.
Wap! Gone! 8 people. 8 people… 8 people left.
And I started getting shit from the balcony.
NO PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND A PACKED BALCONY IS FUCKED. JUST SO, YOU KNOW.
I couldn’t see them, they ALL tried to get at me at once.
It was terrible.
I have some devastatingly hilarious footage of my Husband reenacting the crash.
It was so bad. No grace. Absolutely none. At first, we were bantering then it became heckling I tried shut it down and none of it was working, I couldn’t get it together and that is just how it was.
The problem at that point was I was trying to be funny.
The whole thing was supposed to be funny and none of it was.
No one was even there, you’d think it would be easier, it was not. I had nothing. I know it’s there but it’s like it might as well not be there.
You learn nothing from success, that thought occurred to me earlier today.
It was a bad day.
I’m not going to feel better until I win. That is the truth. It is fucked up for me. Excuse my language- Balance is a Motherfucker.
None of this will keep me from going back, I am so aggravated.
Damn that was terrible.
I can’t perform without an audience. The only time I can call it up is for an audience, and when I can’t do that I am lost. And I cannot switch gears and say, BE FUNNY IN A MUSICAL WAY, BITCH!!!, nothing.
If I let my anxiety go unchecked, it is as dangerous as being drunk.
Fuck me. He is hopeless. Fantastic.
There was no reason, sometimes the stress overcomes me. I know I need more practice. I did everything I could to ensure my success with my superstitious ass and none of it saved me. My nerves are a real thing, usually I can drive them just above where they are fueling my ride, and then sometimes I cannot get on my surfboard, and it turns into whitewater rafting, and you just keep your nose and toes up and hope.
You’d think I’d take comfort in the fact that I am talented, unfortunately, that is not who I am.
Worst night, so far, at least the last time failing is blurry because of the BOOZE,
I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
Oh MY GOD, I forgot that right before I went on stage, I didn’t properly lock the bathroom door and some person just came in when I was in there. OOPS!
I AM DONE WITH TODAY.
If you’re out there being what you are, don’t stop. Bombing sucks, you’ll be alright.
For reference I felt like I did the best I ever did last time.
You’ll win again.
Me? I’m going to eat this coffee ice cream and zone out to some Xena Warrior Princess.
Probably Ten Little Warlords
I prefer the Success Insomnia, I do not like this.
My insomnia is bucking like it always does this time of year.
We both kind of hate spring. You think late winter is bleak but I hate the heat.
Summer will be better. I’ve had a wheeze since COVID and all I can think of is right now how to alleviate the embarrassing thing. Freaking loud breather.
It’s hard to keep up with everything. I’m tired of being poor.
I’m going in a new direction and it has been wonderful.
I had an appointment for my shoulder yesterday and I’ve been in low gear trying to keep from irritating it further. Nothing new, fingers crossed, had a decent experience at the doctors, which was refreshing. Since I had an appointment I couldn’t sleep Monday, then last night, I thought I might be performing tonight but at about 2 A.M. I realized there was no way. I slept about 5 hours today between 8AM-1PM.
I am not good a relaxing. It takes as much practice for me as exercise, maybe more.
Had some very good tea a little while ago.
This year I may have been more productive career wise than ever before. I just wish my body wasn’t so frumpy.
I’m alright, it is not easy to maintain balance between Health, Mind, and Work. I sure wish my PARENTS HAD BEEN RICH. Feel like this might be easier somehow.
Anyway, that’s the story of why I can’t do overhead lifts anymore, probably.
Up until this time in my life I have been interested in strength only. I’m going to be switching gears into something superior. Yoga, Cardio, Swimming.
I am naturally muscular and I think it’s time to focus on function so I can remain upright.
I’ve been neglecting my self care for a while now and it didn’t really notice it until recently. I was so stressed on a regular basis that it has shown up as physical symptoms. Living with chronic pain is no fun.
Sleep helps😴. Which is what I should be doing🥱 but I wanted to give you something, any little thing I could.🥴
Ready to be back in Dream World.💋
Take Care of Yourself. 🌹
PS- I am loving the sun this year. I have spent so much of my life out of the sunshine that my human body said, “…if you don’t go outside, Bitch.” The sun and the ocean are doing so much for me this year.
I have no alibi, I will not be answering questions at this time.
It’s chaos. His mind is chaos.
I heard somewhere that as people age they start hating music that is current and I said, No, thank you. Music is inherently good, it’s just terrible artists. You know what I mean. Its weird what makes you.
You don’t tell anyone what I did, and I won’t send those pictures–What I meant to say was- “Nothing.”.
Yesterday, I had to do some driving. Last Night, I had a crazy dream. Here we go.
So, the trip I took yesterday involved a lot of back roads.
At the opening of the dream, the sky was sunless but not full dark.
In this dream, I could run really fast. What I am telling you is that I was running on the road next to cars and shit. Yes, on the interstate, AND it wasn’t odd because there were other people doing it. It was very Kung-Fu Hustle. I remember being very careful merging. The off ramps were fun.
The landscape by then was all dark and starry. It was a mix of rolling hills and mountains in the distance. It was very pretty, like Tennessee can be.
Ok, so after a while, I am solo on the open road, which is nice but after a while I get lonesome. Right as I am wondering why am I heading in this direction, I crest a hill that has mountains to each side. At the top of this hill I see the Moon, bigger than I have ever seen it. Beyond me is a city that is wedged into a mountain pass.
It was so cute, I love places like that. Just into the civilization I see a building (on the left) and go toward it like a bird who can sense where it’s going.
The building looked like a mix of a luxurious Japanese townhouse and a modern home. It was big, and square, the exterior was all dark wood and glass, the floor was all concrete.
This house was gorgeous.
The door was unlocked, as these things are in dreams, so I went inside. The entry room was separate from the parlor. The entry room was small and rectangular, the door on one side and a glass door into the house. I stepped into the parlor.
Something told me to dance so I just started dancing. It looked more like Tai Chi, but a bitch is not complaining. There wasn’t direct moonlight but enough residual moonlight for me to cast shadows.
So, what happened next is the weird part, stay with me.
I’m having fun in this house I walked into, and a man emerges from a hallway to the right. Older, Asian, Attractive. He was wearing a dark house robe.
He looked incredulous…but in an entertained way? I don’t know. I can’t explain it.
I was SO FREAKED OUT. I said, You need to leave, now. And that is exactly what happened. Burning with shame I headed out the way I had come.
WHY WOULD I ASSUME THAT BECAUSE IT IS UNLOCKED THAT IT IS “OPEN”?
He stepped towards me, but not in anger, or at least, not entirely. I could tell that when he moved toward me it wasn’t aggressive, more curious, but I was so ashamed I had gone in someone else’s house without permission (IN MY OWN DREAM) that I couldn’t get out fast enough. Maybe he wanted to talk, maybe he wanted to kill me, maybe both, I wasn’t brave enough to stand there and find out. There was this panic that I had better get back to the other side of those doors, or else, and so I did, quick.
Yeah, I don’t know either. That one was fun, and stressful. Sorry, Mister. That was unintentional, why I thought a place so pretty would be vacant in today’s market, I do not know. I guess I wasn’t thinking.
First off, let me say, Sorry for the absence of any decent content in so long.
He is in charge of a frozen continent and sometimes the waters surrounding this bitch get choppy. You are welcome here, and I am glad to have you.
Today is as good as any to shit on Easter, right?-To just swing wide on a rant? FABULOUS. Because I am doing it.
We don’t do religious holidays in Chantarctica. But if we did, Easter is still off limits.
I am a bit of a purist. I prefer the original. When you take over all the good holidays how could you not succeed? Oh, that one hurts. Unlearning takes time. Because just wishing someone a happy Solstice or Happy Spring or Happy (FREAKING) HARVEST isn’t enough even though most of you live in farming communities, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (The Church is only another weight to you. Church is no way to overcome poverty or build confidence. Everything comes from outside yourself and can therefore be taken from you the minute popular opinion shifts, and I am only talking about my people.)
I’m genuinely sorry for the last part, Easter and Christmas get me riled up. No one has fun anymore, like no fun was ever had and everyone wonders why this planet is so dreadful.
We get to Purge Night once a year, on New Year’s Eve, and that isIT!
And we should call Christmas “Winter” instead.
Holidays are complicated for me. Holidays weren’t spent the way they should be spent until I started my own family. Yesterday was one of the best Holidays we ever spent together, and it was so simple. We never left the house, and I never felt the need too. It was us, and we had family over, it couldn’t have been better. We ate early and didn’t overdo it, which is hard because we are fat Americans, but we managed not to overeat.
Grammarly is out of my price range for the next two weeks and that’s just how “it is”. What I am saying is- Forgive a sloppy bitch, thank you. Everybody typos… and he is not the best speller and never pretended otherwise, thank you. And I am using Word, now.
Here we go-
Easter was a pagan holiday that was appropriated by the church to sell more WWJD bracelets to virgins.–I’m sorry! What I meant to say was- Easter was “coopted” by Christians to drain what little joy was left in the world and diarrhea upon it-
Fine… Easter is whatever you want it to be. And I’m sorry I was mean. I really, really hate that they took the joy out of it, and if you know what I am talking about…. I’m behaving. Rabbits. I don’t hate Christians, I resent the way they treated me personally.
I was a pagan before I was Christian, I converted, and I disavowed said conversion. I’m a pagan again and I don’t think people have fun anymore and it leads to more hell (agnostic? I don’t fucking know, none of it matters.) Some people aren’t spiritual or introspective, I probably dwell on it too much. It doesn’t matter.
Cut to me- watching the Little Mermaid Television Show and trying not to fucking consider our shared circumstances.
I hope you are all safe and full.
You know who was low key stud material? The Seaclops in Season One, Episode 16- Calliope Dreams. Maybe not even low key, maybe flat-out. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Grandpa Neptune would roll over in his grave, is what he’d do! (I’m behaving! That joke is specific to the episode. Just a little something for you… No, I will not explain it, thank you.)
Please have a good week.
So internet, cave house, fresh water…(?) There is never anything to eat because I am a former obese person, but you can bring whatever you like.
Steam Cave. We need a steam cave that won’t murder the shit out of us or blow the fuck up. It’s a process. And internet only in certain areas because a bitch isn’t stupid. Thank You. You’re not allowed to die, thank you.
Not that you ever ask, but I’m doing great, thank you. Call your Mother.
If you get that joke we should be friends. hit me up.
And Clover Valley Jesus. (Ugh.) hate Eli. I’m sorry. Hate him hate him hate him, I’m sorry. There are some very racist episodes of Xena Warrior Princess….. Like that blackface (blackface?) episode of the Golden Girls. Later. It is important but it’s late…. Mixed Blessings-! That is the name of the episode.
It was shortly after Mother’s absence when I started having to rage on my Father and Brother.
They expected me to carry on, AND clean up the emotional muck of the Family like I had done when we were all present
AND they wanted to tear me down to degrade me so I never saw what was happening or my own importance to the dynamic.
Yes, You did.
Yes, you did.
Does he know men?
it wasn’t their fault, the world goes at kindness with both hands and does it’s best to tear it apart.
So, what would happen when She was around was that they would start, I would be sensitive and sad and She would unleash the thunder when she caught them. You need a woman around. People don’t respect mothers.
Anyway, my Brother caught it first in a big way in a cornfield and when my Dad started laughing I really let him have it, I was screaming and crying so hard at the end I couldn’t breathe.
It had never happened before, I had the dark implulse to lose my temper but I hadn’t on them before.
I think remember exhaustedly telling them to just kill me at the end? I don’t know. I was very dramatic, but I also never agreed to be the one who was shat on for the rest of my life either.
It got to where if I said, “Leave Me Alone” they would. My Brother was stronger but he’s never had my bloodlust, even before I was changed.
Since I am an adult now I know I can remain silent or say, “I need you to leave me alone, please.” And I do. I never just go at anyone. I’d like to be left in peace, what can you do?
I will rail against that toxic male bullshit until I am dead. FUCK YOU. To whoever needs to hear it, you are the reason this world is BULLSHIT. I’m behaving.
Because everyone is better off without the broken thought system.
When you see it, it changes everything. Most men are shitbags.
Both are better people now, I taught them a lot of that without any training, and I never get credit. Not by saying a word but by proving that good is correct by being the best I could.
AND BOTH OF THEM ARE WORTH MORE MONEY THAN ME!
No big deal… He just works for the only University in the State that Matters.
(We were supposed to make COMIC BOOKS…..You Bitch!-THAT was a joke. We were but we learned a long time ago we wanted se-pa-rate lives. Bog Monsters are notoriously overinvolved in family nonsense, and I do not have the energy.)
Where was I going?
Oh, sometimes you have to be willing to stand up for yourself in a very real way. That hippie hocus pocus about acceptance and stoicism with end up destroying you if you are not careful.
You can’t run from everything. You didn’t start it, but you can always handle your shit, I don’t care who it is.
Love will make you accept some shit you’d never accept, won’t it? It will.
First, the air all around was lit the blue-gray color of sunset. The feel at first was certainly more horror. Some crazy shit was happening, or had happened and we were trying to stop it or prevent it from happening. I don’t know.
Also, at the beginning of the dream I was merely an unseen observer, not a character.
At first it was all spaceships, even though we were on Earth. It felt like we were in California somewhere. I’ve never been to California, but there it is.
Inside this story was a story about two people. Two men who loved each other but couldn’t make their friendship work at that time and in that place.
One was blonde and pretty, the other an intense brunette. All through this story I was with one or the other while each raced to fix the issue.
The colors in this dream were very early 90’s Lisa Frank. Lots of Pink, Orange and Yellow.
This dream spanned years and huge distances. One minute we were on Earth, the Next somewhere in Space.
What became clear was that it was some type of Body Snatcher Situation and the final battle was starting.
We were in some kind of warehouse.
Now I am able to participate and we are checking this places for Host.
Two Human’s disappeared for just a moment and we found them in the process of being taken.
They (THEM) had a sense of humor about it and basically said, “I knew better than to try right now.”
Suddenly, I am on a beach watching the last of them fail to take over a Host.
While these things are drawing to a close,
I see a spaceship flying beside the Golden Gate Bridge,
And I can hear the two friends finally communicating. They are now in a spaceship.
One says, “I finally did this”
Leading the other to say, “I got my skin smoothed out”
When we pan out one says to the other,
“Sorry I didn’t call you for 15 years.”
AND BAM, Back to the
TO THE OUTRO VOICEOVER, PERFORMED BY THE OTHER-
The Message was not one of anger but of disappointment and contrition.
In fact, for some reason,
The Other had made arrangements for us to go to a new world, far away where we would be free to live as we could not here. There was the smell of magic to it. Past a far away sun, near the edge of the universe.
This dream was ALL OVER THE PLACE, LITTERALLY.
It was all night, with an intermission when I had to urinate.
I woke UP tired.
I don’t know, I can identify some of it, but no, I do not know.
I have learned that whatever their reason is, just let them go. Unless they are important to you, who cares what they think?
This reaction from a loved one is a fucking betrayal.
Did you trust them?
Did you do your best to conform?
You know how some people like to say not everyone can be saved?
Some people never change.
You are fine. Are you alive?
Do you know who you are?
Then you are winning.
You will come out on top, and they will look like the idiots they are.
Don’t let anyone hurt you and that includes mistreating you.
But you don’t owe anyone a damn thing,
Especailly letting someone weaponize and aspect of your nature against you.
Don’t give them anything,
Don’t let them accuse you of dishonesty.
Anything that comes at your optimism must be destroyed.
Mine was a close part of my being. I may not be a happy person, but I am optimistic. I have always been optimistic about the future. Although the last few years have been dreadful, I remain optimistic.
That shit never goes away though. It is everywhere.
They had it right the first time. You were worthy of their respect before they got smart and you’re worthy of it regardless of their personal preferences, if they are so damn proper, is what it is.
Many times, you earned that respect, I know, fuck them.
I have to go to sleep.
Don’t feel broken though, you’ll always be a little mad.
I have always been a fed-up old person and I always will be.
When you are rinsing out a glass that has had natural juice in it, you can just use water and it comes right off.
If you rinse out a glass that had soda or store bought juices in it, the side is always grimey,
That was all it took.
Get you a juicer, please.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always hated eating vegetables before I got healthy. Even now that I like the taste, it is hard for me to get the amount of vegetables I need. The juicer makes it easier. ￼
Right now I’m working off spinach, pears and pomegranates.
It’s amazing, I just keep winging it and it keeps turning out, I must be a natural. …You like that?
When it comes to death and the afterlife, I can admit that I am unsure. I don’t know if there is such a thing as an afterlife. Or an immortal soul. (There is no such thing as death if this a Simulation.)
At one point in my life I was such a true believer in Christianity that I had zero fear of death and zero uncertainty that I would go to Heaven. I knew that I would give up my life to save someone else’s.
The memory of that chills me.
Because my own wants and my own life meant nothing to me.
Some of you will understand why. It’s not that I believed In something wrong it was that I was manipulated into doing so, and later used by the Baptists to further their agenda.
It’s funny how they can dare speak of a gay agenda when their dirty little fingers are in everything from Politics to Junk Food Production, but alright.
I do believe in something more, something other than the randomness and isolation of our lives, but my faith may be baseless. It feels real and genuine, but who knows?
When you put together that we are heading in one direction it makes you wonder.
“If I die” What you meant was “When”
Shit! Who are you tellin? Why I’m still mad the Rapture never happened and They just left me down here to burn with the rest of yo- .
What I meant to say was “TeamWork!”.
Remember when we went through most our existence killing the shit out of each other before anyone could grow wise enough to stop it?. And it just keeps happening? Remember when 30, then 50 were the end of the road? Remember letting people halt medical breakthroughs because science is inherently evil?
America broke my fucking heart.
It’s not the so-called religion
It’s knowing that most of the people who look like me are vile.
The things they believe, about this life and the people in it would turn your stomach.
Whoever you are, whatever you believe, know that everyone wonders. Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for answers you will never find. He said, knowing he is a damn hypocrite. He is the worst about doing that.
I’ll give you something new.
You know what would suck? Being the only ghost that ever existed and just having to hang there until the universe falls apart. OH! No Higher Power, No company, just you. Until BOOP.
Did I think the Rapture would take place before I’d have to experience death? I did. Most Baptists and Assembly people do. Then, you learn that the church uses Revelation and (usually) regionally held beliefs on Armageddon to keep their members in line.
You want to think it matters, all of it, the person you are, your motivations, your choices, but it’s hard to ever really know.
I am a live-wire, like many of you. I’m grateful for every moment I get.
You kinda just hope for the best.
Look up why it is relevant to this subject and thank me later.