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Howl

How do I say that the only life I ever wanted was the one I’m living now,

And that it wasn’t possible with them?

Or in that place?

They spent my entire life wondering why I never fit in when there was never a place for me in that world. It was something I had to figure out.

I love them dearly, but the last time I left home in 2007 I never expected to go back.

You just don’t.

I guess you’re forced to let it go and let them believe what they must. I’m not straight, but whatever.

But the truth is the truth, and that’s a big part the whole thing.

I’ve always been this.

You don’t have to be unhappy for anyone else.

Not when we are all racing headlong back to the goo.

No Sirs and or Madams.

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Ruthless

Saw this chair he wanted to buy-

The shit I get away with on here. Why anyone ever goes on social media is missing out! YOU CAN’T EVEN GET A RANT STARTED. WORTH IT.

Thank you to my Darling Ice Desert. Can She absorb some crazy, or what? Where only the Penguins and Polar Bears are slowly burning to death.

Google it. Look it up!-Look it Up!

If they had CONSULTED me. I’d have letthem put big hurricanes that somehow offset our footprint swirling around this bitch.

No one ever asks me anything.

No one cares what happens here.

Of course, there are caves. You have NOT been outside this whole time. SOME PEOPLE are outside, but we are not talking about it.

Yesterday was a jerk, right??

Doesn’t matter!

I’ll settle for a mountain, he lied.

The trampoline thing isn’t a joke, I just hope I can afford to do while I’m able to jump.

Jumping is great for your feet, and mine aren’t great.

Just like swimming. I don’t want to drown but it doesn’t stop me.

But that is just exercise.

 

I got to talk to my cousin for Three Hours last night.

I’m still turned up.

It was wonderful.

My life has gotten better considerably in no time. It is a lot.

There is an intensity that is a trademark of mine and I’ve just had to do without it for a minute.

Aging is a good thing.

I knew I was getting better looking. It’s my Grandfather.

It is NOT hippie nonsense, you bitch!

Listen!

America (at least) has a messed up view of the life cycle. We are told that young people are the peak of human existence. Specifically, rich 20-somethings. I don’t know.

I DON’T KNOW. So when most of us get into our 30’s we feel our good days are over.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

IF MY LIFE WAS AS GOOD AS IT WOULD EVER BE A 25 I WOULD QUIT!

OUT!!!

I’ve always been happy to get older and as hard as these wrinkles are and

MY HANDS. OF MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BACK OF MY MOTHER LOVING HANDS??? MEDIC!!!!

 It’s fine!

Its fine. You vain bitch, you can’t be pretty everywhere. Some part of you will catch age. It’s fine, we are fine.

You are worth keeping together, at the least.

That’s why we keep it cold, though.

Duh.

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Dunk

Showers are bullshit.

Hear me out!

I hate showers.

It has been years since I had a decent bath. Our tub is worn out, and it was cheap, to begin with, honestly.

Alright, I’m just trying to get there today, alright, so don’t be sensitive.

The people who owned this place before us didn’t care about “nice”. That’s diplomatic.

The kitchen appliances were unclockable… but the bathrooms? Oh my GOD!

WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THAT?

BECAUSE YOU DON’T PUT BIG HONKING SINKS IN TINY-ASS BATHROOMS!

FUCK!!!!

What I meant to say was that I love all people.

The only thing that calms me down (that isn’t expensive) is a bath.

The only thing that comes close is a steam, and public steam rooms are GROSS!

Today I woke up grouchy, tried to bull through it and be good, got my feelings hurt, and now I am LIT UP over this bath thing.

Hey, don’t ever put off renovations. Ever. EVURAH.

We could’ve put all kinds of tubs in this bitch when we moved in, AND A FENCE. I am so fucking mad. I am done with this nonsense.

I KNOW I should be grateful you couldn’t come at Her bone structure with both hands, but whatever.

Do it now or forever wish you had.

I can’t even say, At least the yard is nice because it is NOT right now.

ENOUGH!

When you’re crazy, and you see something coming, and you are disregarded because you are crazy, it drives you crazier.

Oh my God, I used to have a trampoline in my house.

WHAT AM I DOING?!

WHO IS THIS FRUMPY BITCH??!?!

WITHOUT A (real) TUB??

MY COUNTRY-ASS PARENTS HAVE A BEAUTIFUL TUB.

NO!!!

 

So, this one is just a Rant. Sorry about that.

Don’t start with me; I happen to know that a person has to draw COMFORT from their cave, or else it’s incorrect. No, again, as with everything else, I’m mad at myself. It is my fault. If I had cared more, I would’ve gotten it done by now. Yeah, that is all you right there.

It’s fine. He’s fine.

What I meant to say was that I hope your weekend is good.

I have to take a shower. Can you tell that I am jazzed? Woof.

I never cared for Camilla. As if Diana herself told me personally, “We don’t like her.” I don’t know why. Whatever.

So that was kind of funny.

What else?

OH! You have to watch one of those “zipline fail” compilations. How funny is that shit?

There is nothing better than watching someone smack into a tree, especially when they are screaming right before? OH MY GAHD. It is always someone who has the line tight against a tree and no bumper.

Because it’s funny.

You just bail right before you crash is all.

That is so good right now. E-LAB-OR-ATE.

HEY! Don’t kink shame me, now, this a motherfucking safe place.

For me, anyhow.

You love it, and you know that shit is funny.

Try and have a good weekend.

Did a bitch not wake up and try to behave?

He really did.

 

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11/12

I have been so hot the last few days. Spiritually, Emotionally, Hot.

Hot, Hot, Hot.

Today, I wanted to write a cutsey wrap up of the week blog, but America is fucking disgusting, you guys. No thank you, honey maybe next time.

Were we happy that mouthy white lady got her traitor ass a record? THAT was funny. “I am a white woman in America.” America is good at prison.

Hold up,

We aren’t done.

Okay, if you could get dishonorably discharged for being found out as a homosexual and get your life RUINED until 2010, what to these people deserve?

We are wAy done with that. That was funny and I remain tickled watching them cry.

Speaking of crying…. That was some “wrong” crying. Doesn’t matter. They’re going to let him go. Whatever. JUST TELL ME WHEN IT’s Over. HINT- IT IS NEVER OVER. White Bitches.

What were we doing?

I was telling you about my week. Right.

Yesterday, when I woke up my face had my natural blush. Naturally, my face is red. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I’ve been walking around ghost-faced for YEARS. I’m behaving. Fortunately, My skin only looked rough the last few months. It is the least of my concern right now, it is just feeling better. You think, NOW I KNOW I LOOK BETTER THAN THIS, and you DO! We’ll talk about it later.

Today, I woke up after little sleep and still managed to drag my happy-ass to the gym and back before 8A.M. That hasn’t happened in years. If I woke up tired I couldn’t make myself get going. The dull pain and eventual depression made me want to sleep, more than anything. I have been tired for five years and acting tired for three years.

Normally I sleep between 6-7 hours, more, if the work out demanded it.

Incredible. The difference is incredible. My arms haven’t gone to sleep yet and that had been happening since 2016.

Some people who know me will be able to tell a difference, but I really try to keep the true pain to myself. That’s why we don’t talk about high school.-Okay?

*******

Now, he doesn’t have to fake the pleasant disposition.

Where do you think Robert got it from? DUH.

I lay before you

Freckles

Crazy Laugh

and

Mascara

I said what I said.

*******

Oh my God, I can do anything.

I know I can’t

But fighting it and coming out makes me feel divine.

I know it isn’t the same as some people but what I can say is that the last few years were hell on my mental health before any outside influence.

But here I am, in my domain.

I have at least 30 extra pounds to shed. THANK YOU! It’s fine!

It will all work out.

*******

He can be very becoming.

Fight it! Fight it!-Fight it!-Fight it!!

What was I doing? Trying to look so good it shamed everyone who ever hurt me into apologizing? That was it.

OH! And trying to be successful. Mostly that.

I suppose.

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Happy Halloween!!

That is the post.

This is Mr. Jackman.

Hope you have a great night

Be Safe

When I say they got Old Man Candy I mean Almond Joys and Chewy Werther’s.

It’s what we we like right now.

It might as well have been licorice, something else I love.

Whatever. We are who we are and I love black jelly beans. I don’t give a shit what you think, they are so good!

Have you ever had the black licorice bullseye, with the cream in the middle?-Oh my GOD

506.

That footage from the subway madness in Tokyo was chilling. I hope those injured recover quickly. I hate that.

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People

It had been so long since I had been home, some rando tried to Karen me in my own yard.

I was so mad.

“Hey.”

What do you want?

“Hello.”

“I’m (I don’t care)”

“I’m Chanzy.”

I kept going with the yard work.

He started to talk again being nosey af and I’d had it.

“My Parents live here.”

My eyes went dead.

“Who?”

The people who live here.

Then, I stopped what was doing and gave him my full attention.

He tried to laugh it off.

I said, “I grew up here.”

I was mad so I said, “Where do you live?” But in that bright polite tone that makes you answer. Like he had already offered the information.

Vague answer, around the corner.

OF COURSE.

“Since when?” she was furious.

Because I lived there for a long time and never got asked anything by anyone.

It’s my own fault for not getting home enough but he almost tasted that gravel.

This do in remembrance of me.

I can show you the resemblance.

My Father who never lost a fight to a stranger.

I don’t enjoy hurting people unless they are into it, but I did want to hit him. It was close. I never feel that way about people.

I should have told him to “fuck off” but I didn’t.

What he didn’t know was that I was already freaking out.

I was SO UPSET before I went outside and here comes Unnecessary.

Don’t fucking stare at my Parents house, brah.

I went back to work and he left.

I’m the kind of person who instantly regrets being a jerk. Within the hour I confessed to my Dad that I’d been a jerk to one of his neighbors.

“which one?“

I described him.

He smiled.

“He’s weird. I don’t like him either.”

You damn right.

You are the stranger.

We are fine, rhinoplasty, thank you!

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🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

**Blue**

This song came on the other day while I was exercising and I just started shadow boxing.

It was something I did everyday in my room for a long time.

I was convinced one of the boys would proclaim me “Faggot” to my face. I was the one they called pussy all the time but they never touched me so fuck those lil’ bitches.

Anyway-

(I used the corner of my wall to bounce off so I could put my hands out on both sides.)

One day I bounced off my bed to kick and ended up stuck in the wall.

So what happened was I did the kick but I had no thoughts about landing.

I had gotten out of control and ended up in the Built-in shelf at the top of my back wall up by the ceiling. (where people used to put suitcases and hat boxes and shit? Just a big empty-looking rectangle up by the ceiling?)

I lost my adrenaline and I was left hanging with my front half in the wall on the incredibly deep shelf. My ass and legs are hanging down.

I had no room to wiggle free and land on my bed.

I started weep-screaming and

He comes in…

“What the fu-?”

He went quiet. “-How did you get up there?”

“I was playing.”

His look said he knew exactly what I was doing.

“Help!”

He said

“You’re going to have to jump down.”

“I can’t”-Dangling feet.

He said, “Use your arms, throw yourself back.”

I wailed that I couldn’t.

Eventually, I Got mad and did it, making all kinds of “delicate” noises on my way down. I can still hear the sound that came out on me when I hit the bed.

He has never laughed so hard. Because they are both me. The Panicked Queen and Kung Fu Panda.

Depends on the moment.

That was a teachable moment.

It was certainly useful information- I didn’t know you could do that. He could’ve just helped but he built me a boat, or whatever.

What was I saying?

This song is freaking IT.

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Bop

He was so embarrassed that I liked men it was embarrassing.

You can’t go back.

Go do some rugged nonsense later.

I found that man so many arrowheads I should have gotten a badge.

You know how to behave. you know what is real and what is your bs and how to act right.

He never sent me away over it, it could’ve been worse.

At the end we were about to old-school fight to the death in the front yard

But he is good people.

I am not shaming anyone, unless youre him gtfo of here.

It all kind of comes to me whenever it wants.

I’d still never hurt him.

I wouldn’t let anyone hurt him.

One person.

You ain’t that person.

We crossed a bridge when I started being myself.

Showing it, anyways.

He’s treated me right since I was about 18.

Some people show their love in fucked up ways but my dad was the best.

I hated him.

Loved him.

Love Him.

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My Name, Episode 2 (Recap)

This episode opens right up with a fight between Ji-woo and Gang-jae, and it is fantastic. At the end of the first episode, a free-for-all cage match ends with them about to get it on. WHAM. The choreography for this series is out of sight. During this scene, we see nothing held back from either character. What we do see are little flashes of Gang-jae’s true nature in his facial expressions. I thought that was just who he became when he fought. Ummmm. Who’s going to tell him?

Alright, so, she lands him with this sweet spinning-elbow swing, right to his teeth. She knocked him out! You could hear his ears ringing.

When he woke up, and his friend started the humiliating jokes, we knew where it was going. Because that is how it starts. When she APOLOGIZED TO SOOTHE HIS PRIDE, and he didn’t con-grat-u-late her, we knew where this was going. And there it is, there’s the smile.

Gang-jae decides that since Ji-woo beat him like a rug that he’s going to rape her. He had premeditated this by drugging her water. The one guy who spoke out was called a sissy. Next thing, Gang-jae and buddy are in her room. Ji-woo comes half-awake while buddy is trying to undress her, and Gang-jae is sitting there, smiling. She manages to sit up but is pushed down by Gang-jae, who says the standard pervert lines. She knocks buddy off her, and he falls into the shelf holding her Father’s ashes, and everything comes down, shattering. I thought she was going to kill them. Grabbing up a sharp piece of the urn, she shoves it right into buddy’s tenders when he tries to kick her. It was so good. That’s why we keep our parts to ourselves.

This scene was giving me A+ Horror Movie vibes. It was not just the lighting or the expressions. When he came out holding that hammer, the AIR was enough to make you forget she wasn’t about to die. He falls on her, but she sticks his right in the goo (that is what we call gut) before he can kill her.

Later on, in his office, Mu-jin stands before a kneeling Gang-jae. He holds a sword and says, Face, Arm, Leg. (OH, you are SCREWED, buddy-ro.) He gives him the option of which he wants “mangled”, which is broad. Mu-jin knew that Ji-woo would be attacked at least once, but he didn’t think it would be Gang-jae. And he cuts that pretty face.

What we see next is some very mature handling of trauma, with Ji-woo crying it out.

When Tae-ju confronts her about it, she shrugs it off.

There is a killer montage where we see Ji-woo join the police with a time jump from then to now, and the debut of the sickest haircut you’ve ever seen.

Ji-woo is now in the Violent Crimes division, but we see her breaking up a drug deal. Enter Pil-do. WHOOOOOOOOOO. He’s alright, I guess.

Ji-woo tries to detain one of the suspects but is stopped by Pil-do

Next thing I remember, Mu-jin strolls up on a traitor-looking more than alright with that beard. Whaaat? Should’ve gotten a Tesla, but what do I know? That’s only funny if you’ve seen it.

In the next scene, we find out Gi-ho, the man in the hoodie, is (dun dun dun) the CAPTIAN of Narcotics! (GIVE IT TO ME. Icona Pop! I LOVE IT!…..Apologies)

Ji-woo gets on the team. When Ji-woo tells Mu-jin the news, he presents her with his knife. We see a flashback where Dong-hoon saves Mu-jin and Tae-ju.

Pil-do is interrogating their suspect when 🎶There she goes just-a walking down the street🎶But who just got transferred, though?

You think it’s over, right?

IT IS NEVER OVER!

Of course, they are partners, and he is annoyed, and she is phenomenal; let’s do this.

Pil-do tells Ji-woo to go inside this building and bring out a man named Mango.

Ji-woo walks into this building, and security gets fresh with her. He throws her up against a wall, and she grabs her riot-wand and lets him have it. Backup arrives, and it is a brawl. It was a hallway full of “Not Tonight”. Pil-do walks down a runway of busted security guards. The last shot is of Ji-woo and Pil-do making eye contact while she is bruising Mangoes.

It’s one of those shows you can’t stop watching.

My Name is streaming on Netflix.

Daughter of a gangster who will stop at nothing to avenge one of her Parents?

Check Please!

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Destiny

My right deltoid is spasming, I don’t know why.

Today, I woke up productive. As soon as I could, I started cleaning my office. It still took all-damn-day. I even took the napping bed out because it is unless to one who never sleeps and it was just a catch-all for clutter.

Guess who needs more bookshelves? OH! Not because they look fancy, my bookshelves are cheap, but because I don’t have enough room and they are just stacked up on the floor. My childhood self is not alright about it. No he is furious, about the state of my office and the state of my professional life.

And since I cannot get into that today-

HAVE YOU SEEN MY NAME YET?

MY NAME

Netflix

WHHHAAAATTT

THE MUSIC!!!

I didn’t even need the thirst trap.

But I’ll tell you something-

THERE ARE WORSE PLACES TO BE!

This is the coolest thing I have seen this year.

Somebody tell Park Bong-pal!

How does he look better

Every time She is on screen I hear I thinking “I’m in Love” by Jessica Simpson

🎶Girl I think that I’m in love with you🎶

I can’t even.

It reminds me of The Night Comes for Us.

Right into episode 2

Let it ride!

“I thought he was nice!”

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME??

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Sic

People think they know.

I wasn’t allowed to have my own radio until I was 15!

And then, the Rock that I liked was “not good” and too loud, so… no.

It was easier not to like ANYTHING.

When I was 17 I got to try again or I just took a radio from somewhere and put it in my room.

I get super into CDs.

Can’t be mad about magic you don’t understand.

I found one of my Father’s CDs.

It goes from

Abba- DANCING QUEEN

To

Crimson and Clover by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

To

Rockin’ into the Night by .38 Special

I was freaking in.

YOU’RE NEVER GETTING IT BACK!

Is what it is.

Thank you.

Papa does have good taste in music.

I realized the value of good cds.

I do like the movie Tangled in a very personal way.

“You want to go outside?”

No phone, no cable, no music

No unapproved film.

And people wonder why my imagination is what it is.

The things you see.

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Dreamland

Yesterday, I did everything I meant to do except nap and meditate.

They are so important.

Do you sleep well?

I’ve never been the best sleeper.

Here’s to getting it right tomorrow.

Don’t you make fun of me.

No-you-are old.

Stay Safe, Please.

Have a good weekend.

Eat something greasy, I will not tell.

Are you ready for this?

I never played Kirby on SNES.

I was a fan of the cartoon.

So basic. Heaven help me.

I LOVED HIM.

He could fly!

He was so sweet until you went there.

The first time I played as Kirby it was on the original Smash Brothers and I loved him more.

EEEEE!

Good NightDay.

Of course the hammer is my favorite, it is so funny!

WhaM!

I said Good NightDay!

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Break

Some people think that if you are homosexual, that automatically makes you not a racist. I don’t know about you, but everywhere I’ve ever been the gay culture has been incredibly racist. And homophobic but that is not what we are talking about today.

This is so disgusting. You may not have heard it though, so here goes.

Some gay people have a “better them than me” attitude towards others in the social hierarchy and throw them under the bus as a way of getting along with straights.

Pressure is an incredible thing.

Sometimes (to most), it is their own racism. These people who raised them scandalized them for their identity. They are not the kind of people who understand biology, and they certainly are not looking to understand.

A Few Things-

Once I hit 10, my family never left me alone about sex, mainly out of a desire that I reproduce. (FOR REASONS KNOWN BUT TO gOD) They also believed that my lifetime of same-sex attraction would go away if I started sleeping with women. I flat out refused and my life was made unbearable the longer I fought them.

The first person I chose to sleep with was male. He was a bag of dirt but he was male.

On with the show-

I was telling someone who loved me a lie. A lie about losing my virginity. It was a lie because I made it up.

I lost my virginity in 1994.

So, I am nearly sixteen and I’m finally getting ready to do it for real. I hadn’t yet, but I wanted to. It would be another year.

I made this story up. Unfortunately, I got comfortable, and afterwards I went off-script and ended up confessing for real. Sometimes, it’s like that.

I told this person the truth about what my preferences were.

They got a scandalized smile on their face. Not about to overly-graphic made-up sex scene but my honest feelings.

When they spoke again I wasn’t expecting it.

“I’ll tell you what my Mama told me, don’t hate them but don’t date them.”

NEXT

For someone who went to Club Imagination every time he could get there, I was a bit of a prude. All of my friends were more sexually active than I was. I just really liked dancing.

At 18, I was too open with my friends about my love life. You see, there is a lot of pressure for sexual gossip in the gay community. They are beyond dehydrated. It always reminded me of the way straight men would talk about women when they weren’t around. It was gross. If I could go back and say, KEEP YOUR BASIC EYES OFF MY BODY AND YOUR GROSS STORIES TO YOURSELF, I would, but I cannot.

What I can do is tell you about the one time I met a guy at Imagination who I thought was handsome.

It is the end of the night. My young legs are worn out from dancing and it’s time to go. My friend and I are leaving.

As we’re walking out this guy and I make eye contact.

It was amazing.

Everyone around us saw us make eye contact.

It was the only time I’ve walked up and introduced myself to a Gentleman.

When He smiled at me I put an arm around Him.

The Audacity!

So, we trade numbers and agree to meet up later.

It was the first date I had set up beforehand. It would have been the only date I’d ever been on, period. (I have never been on a date.)

Let’s just land, shall we?

This guy hit all my buttons. He was sweet and when I looked in His eyes I could see Him.

I was so excited.

The date was about a week off.

And then the “friends” started.

One friend who was always too interested in my sex life made horrible, mocking, racist jokes to me. I wasn’t at the place yet where he wouldn’t speak that way in front of me. So, Humiliation. First was humiliation.

(I have a particular hatred for white people telling Black jokes. It isn’t funny. For awhile in my teens felt I was entitled to makes jokes about anything, as vulgar as I wanted because I was gay-that nonsense was incorrect.)

These were the same people who were only looking for one person sexually. Don’t make me talk about it.

My other “friend” (the one who’d been there when I MET HIM)found out what day my date was and would not stop trying to make plans with me that interfered with date.

In the end, I met him, late, and we walked around the Wiregrass Commons Mall for about 15 minutes.

And he left. Never saw him before or since, can’t even remember his name.

I would burn down your house to have that kind of man’s attention today.

No-YOU BEHAVE.

I still hate myself for the look in that beautiful man’s EYES!- I did that.

JUDAS!

I freakin’ know, I am still sorry. Will always be sorry. That one still hurts.

He smelled like Winter.

I gotta stop.

Doesn’t matter now.

Don’t let idiots at your emotions.

Don’t let anyone drive you away from someone who is compatible. That is rare.

LAST

The first boy who woke up my sexuality was a tall boy with glasses. He was attractive. Unfortunately, he was straight.

I figured, even though he wasn’t homosexual, that there had to be other men like him who were.

I was 15(?). I had never seen a person and thought- That, ForEver!! Thank You.

I was a fan.

I must have let something slip in front of one of my more racist relatives because they started going hard on how evil Asian people where and how they could not be trusted.

Which is funny because (white) Americans are the ones who agree to things and then realign when it suits their purpose, but whatever.

No one acted that way about friends only when things turned to sex.

I don’t know how racism and insecurity are tied, but I know that they are. (Self-Loathing might be a better term.) That, and that racism is everywhere. People who pretend it’s not are lying.

I’d like to point out that these things happened simply because I was CONSIDERING dating outside my race.

And because people are terrible, and so was I.

Weak.

Don’t be an idiot.

In fact, talking about other races of men solely in terms of my own sexual desires is messed up by itself!

Everywhere!

Don’t go around hurting people.

Whatever the justification for it, the reason is the same.

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Ruff Rider

This book is amazing.

You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey (2021) by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar

Should NOT be the first book I’ve read like this.

It was not what I was expecting.

You think, 20-or-so essays about a specific-

THERE ISN’T ENOUGH SPACE!

It’s incredible.

If you can, get the hardcover and audio editions.

Omaha.

The Amber Ruffin Show airs tonight at 9P.M. EST

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History.

The past few days, I’ve been binging those “rough” TikTok compilations, Cheating, Abuse, etc.

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

Don’t. It’s gross.

A Couple Things-

I know that people are people, but every time I see a guy who has been cheated on, I wonder what has really happened. I know you know what I mean.

When a man cannot get the people around him to side with his version of who he says a woman is, he will start calling her a whore.

One- You are pathetic. Learn.

and

TWO-

SHE is not a whore because she DOESN’T want to have sex with you. Especially if you’ve already had sex. You are just mad. The only people who believe you are the ones who think the same way as you. As in, “also wrong”. Unfortunately, it is most of them.

NEXT!

Trust.

Trust is fundamental to your health.

Abusers gain your trust for the sole purpose of smashing it to bits. It serves two goals (that I know of)- It makes you question your judgement and permanently damages your ability to trust yourself.

He doesn’t want you to trust him. He doesn’t trust him. He wants you to doubt yourself.

She is on fire this morning.

(Thank you, Green Tea!)

NEXT!

Love.

There it is.

“I love him.”

You do not. Listen to me, please. I love you.

I know that you have shown love. That you feel attached, and it feels like love.

Love doesn’t leave you empty. There is no system where you have to pay for good love. However good it ever is or has been, it cannot account for abusive behavior. Those two things are unrelated.

It is connected in his mind because there is no such thing as love. He doesn’t believe in love, regardless of what he tells you. His love is a preventive measure for later. His love is transactional to the point you are always in his debt.

You have to have a working knowledge of who someone is before you can truly love them.

You’ve never met. No, you two do not know each other. That’s why he wanted to know everything about you and then stopped once he felt he had you figured out. He has manipulated you in every way, including giving you misleading information about who he is, on purpose. Not because he is unintentionally lying but because it is his motivation to deceive you. He would never ever, EVER, let you get close enough to hurt him in a way he couldn’t handle. Not on purpose.

American Society is the worst when it comes to harboring abusers.

We see you.

You know what is going on. You do not deserve it.

When you learn to treat abuse as an assault (however it happens), it is life-changing.

My only advice is to stay alive.

A good way to know is to ask yourself, “Is he hurting me?”

I would’ve said “they” to be inclusive, but I am confident that there are plenty of women with better words to speak on female abusers. Men own more Pain Stock.

Tear down the illusions he has spread among your friends and family.

Abusers rely on their victim’s cooperation in their deceptions.

Pay no mind to people who scandalize living single (or don’t like the show Living Single).

They are joyless.

NEXT.

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Yesterday,

I went at that workout.

Today, my right tricep is on fire.

Because being healthy is pretty new to me, I still have to deal with some baggage from my former lazy thinking.

I have had arthritis since I was 25.

Basically, it’s

Do I want to be perpetually sore?

Or

Do I want my body to turn against me?

It’s fine.

The first thing.

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Shower

When I was younger, around six or so, I was in Nightmare Country. I had a nightmare every night. It was terrible, sometimes more than one.

My imagination conjures up some epic shit. Usually, my nightmares came in in separate series’s, like novels. The worst were the ones that wouldn’t go away.

*******

In this set- My Father had sold me to Barbarians.

They taught me through tests.

*

I am in windowless room.

A man stood asking me-

“How can you hurt me?”

I did not answer.

Again, “How can you hurt me?”

After some violence I am asked for the final time,

How can you hurt me?”

……“You have a son…”

The man stopped.

“Named Casey.”

Someone else came out from behind me.

They begin to speak.

“How did you know that?”

*

Another was all violence.

Another Room.

I was put through everything.

In the end, I am worn down, bloodied, and in pain.

I begin to laugh.

He is taken aback.

“You can’t hurt me.”

Why?”

“Because they loved me.”

********

Those were their own set. My poor Father.

That is heartwarming to ponder. That terrifying beast trying to calm me down. Because it’s what good parents do.

He’d ask me again to describe the dream.

And again,

After- Him- “I’d never sell you!” Incredulous and mildly tickled.

Me- “You don’t know!”

He would laugh and I would start crying.

He’d never willingly let me go.

*******

It is all connected, but the pictures and lessons are different.

*******

Later On,

Sonic the Hedgehog was my FAVORITE video game.

The water stages were so stressful it formed a terrible recurring nightmare.

The sun is setting as I fly off a ramp into the sea.

Water with a motion puzzle I could never solve in time,

Where the sound effect was the same as I sank to the bottom.

To the POINT

That when it wouldn’t stop-

I would drown myself immediately rather than let the dream have me.

Eventually, because of this specific dream, I learned how to wake myself up from a nightmare.

It was because of that I even learned I could control some dreamscapes.

That just came back to me.

They should all be that useful.

*******

Now days, when those type of things come to me I am more entertained than anything.

Nightmares hurt so bad.

They can be worth it.

I’ve always paid attention to dreams.

You can learn a lot.

You can also forget.

When I stopped having nightmares consistently I lost access to ability to wake myself up. It is still there, I just can’t hold it in my hand.

Same with the dream control. I never have access to it even though I’m aware of it’s existence.Those are two skills I wish I had ready to go.

Whatever.

*******

Please take care of yourself.

Sweet Dreams.

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Shots

🎶Everybody!🎶

Not very long ago, someone told me that everyone who got a COVID vaccine was going to die in two years.

Afterwards, I was asked, “Are you vaccinated?”

“I am.”

My actual feelings rose up surface and I had to add,

“Nothing’s killing me.”

I was so irritated. Because at one time I believed in that nonsense. I spent a lot of time believing conspiratorial horse crap. We already did that. Now, I know better.

[Y2K but more so the year 2,000. Every church in my area was getting ready to be so smug. Then, my own internal panic that I’d ever get out alive, or worse, never get out, or Worst get out and have to go back. More recently, my own stifling hypochondria. He thinks his body will turn traitor or weak even though he is strong and relatively healthy. It is some weird anxiety leftover from a high-stress upbringing, but whatever.]

“Nothing’s killing me.”

Nothing, Except stupid people.

Because now that it’s political it will mutate beyond our ability to combat.

Oh, you’re so good.

Make it worse, make it worse.

🎶Mut-aaaaaa-tion🎶

You may believe what you want to but watch that ish around me.

The people who are lying to you have been vaccinated.

Damn them.

If they weren’t allowed to speak if they’d been vaccinated-

You know what?

Whatever. I gave up on the news before I left home.

My Parents went full MAGA.

He is prone to the end of the world stuff, but I didn’t see it coming. It did upset me but it’s not like I didn’t know he voted Republican.

It’s not fair for Democrats to act like Republicans had a choice when they didn’t. In 2016 they needed a win and those Rebulican debates were a horror. Republicans would have made Romney President.

It doesn’t matter now.

We are past a muffin basket.

Excuse me for a moment.

If the Democrats can’t stop the hissing an maintain ORDER in the ranks they deserve what they get.

No, you cant play “golf” when they are playing “blood sport”.

Anyway,

Do your best.

Thank you for trying.

“Ogg not scared, Ogg just gonna die.”

Stay Alive, Please

💜⚡️-thank you for listening to an odd man ramble. It’s cold out here. Please stay warm.

GoodNight.

GoodDay.

Get some Rest.

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Diss

I had horrible acne. It was so gross and so aggressive that it stayed on my face for years.

The acne came first. By the age of 11, I was getting small pimples that blossomed into a horrific case of acne in the next few years.

Everyone has the solution.

They do not.

You are hormonal and stressed.

All you can do is calm down, and sometimes it is impossible.

Everyone in my life thought that having sex with a girl would “fix it”.

May I just say-

Leave people alone about sex. At all times, but specifically when they are young.

It’s confusing because you are confused or uncomfortable and projecting, and it makes us confused and uncomfortable.

Anyway

I tried everything in the world.

Nothing works.

Eventually, I stopped going to church, and that cleared up a lot of nonsense for me.

My acne cleared up when I came fully into myself at about 16.

I was having a breakdown in the bathroom with the loud fan on, and I ended up on the floor. At my weakest, worst moment, it felt like the pain would kill me.

Just past that, something inside broke through to light.

It clicked. (It was soaked in religion, but it did happen.)

We are told that God created us straight (normal) and that our sexual desires are wrong. You cannot blame them. It is what they were taught. Most of them haven’t met the gay-m changer yet. Just keep going.

You don’t have to believe that shit for a second, though. Don’t you dare waste your time wondering as I did.

Now, they cannot understand you, and because of that, they will try to diminish you.

If you let it at you as I did- BECAUSE HOW COULD THEY ALL BE WRONG? -it will show up in your body. Sometimes it is in your body and sometimes in your mind but it is always there for you, even after they’ve moved on from their ignorance.

I carry these scars everywhere because of that nonsense.

I was forbidden and rightly afraid.

It would have been worth it.

I’d have died, but who knows, maybe I’d have gotten him before it was over.

Don’t listen to her. She is just furious.

What is ironic is that, in retrospect, he wishes he didn’t do that.

He is the most intelligent person I’ve ever known, and it made me mad that he acted like there was anything anyone could do about it.

We would have had much more fun smoking weed than fighting like Kodak and a jaguar, but whatever.

He’s always known everything except how to make me behave.

I’m kidding. I behaved because I wanted to.

We are okay now. My Family generally acts correctly about and around my Husband.

Being an adult is as fabulous as you think it is and more.

You can eat whatever you want!

If you don’t care how long you live.

You can do whatever you want!

If you don’t care where you live.

Okay, so there are rules, and there is aging, but being an adult is the BEST.

In America, we romanticize childhood, get past our twenties, and act like our lives are over for 50 or 60 years before we die.

THAT IS MALARKEY!

Our prime. Our 20s.

NOT!

I have it on good authority that 35-65 can be the best years of your life. And before you get smart, my Grandfather, so, watch it, sister.

(My idol was Joan. She went out old, rich and on top. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHE LEFT MELISSA? Not enough to keep them from ripping her off. I’m behaving.)

I don’t think people should ever stop willingly.

Fight it.

Fight it, Fight it, Fight it.

I do understand and appreciate the beauty of youth,

When did that become the only kind of beauty?

I’m not young, and I have never been “pretty”. Time can be a good thing. I’m not any taller, but I am getting cuter.

Because I’ve waited my whole life for this right here.

There are all kinds of boss-ass people and experiences waiting for you everywhere all the time.

It’s going to be fine and so are you.

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Stars

In Breach, I spoke to one aspect of growing up homosexual. Today I’d like to talk to those who are struggling to bear it.

 

People who grow up next to culture or large cities have a different experience on the whole. Of course, there are those in cities who have it much worse, I am speaking generally.

 

Gay kids in small towns have to deal with a different level of ridiculousness.

 

I actually had a girl I thought was my friend tell me that I was gay because I was possessed by a demon. She was a “new convert”, and I had grown up Baptist. Don’t tell me I am possessed by a demon; I find it offensive.  The statement upset me. And when I tried to calmly explain myself to someone who called me a sinner on our SMOKE BREAK, and she still didn’t listen, I gave up on her completely. Of course, by then, I didn’t believe in demons anyway. 

 

 

 

ANYWAY-

The List
(When there are no other options)

Unless you are Straight Passing-

Don’t let anyone hear you sing.

Don’t let anyone see you dance.

Learn to defend yourself however you can.

Know that you are strong.

Try not to talk.

Never let anyone touch you.

Stay away from whorish or “complicated” straight men.

Learn to parrot the straight men around you, particularly the “soft” ones.

Don’t tell anyone.

You have to wait.

When you can, get out.

Don’t tell anyone. If they don’t straight out betray your confidence, they will tell someone else who will.

If they make you tell lies, be the best at it. You will live Honestly later.

Never lie to Yourself.

Learn everything you can about your surroundings and blend.

Don’t let them send you away.

Running should be the last thing you do without resources.

One Day, You’re going to Wreck the Closet

Don’t Let Them Hurt You.

Just maintain as best as you can. You’re fine the way you are; some people just haven’t come around yet. I know it doesn’t make it better.

We see you.

Fight Back.

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A Day

First,

He could barely do three of these

Yoga is not his favorite. It is so good for your body, he isn’t graceful, don’t stand to close.

Then, he Polished off an Apple.

Oh, Snapple

He Never eats enough of the right stuff.

Next, He Went to the Barbershop.

Left Looking Like-

Woof

Came back looking like-

Boop

He has got to sleep better, but alright.

He fell right off that diet-

Good Stuff. Those fries were not on brand, but yes, I ate all that clucking chicken.

It has been time for Tea-

Cheers to You.

People should get more than the weekend.

Drives are fun, right?

I hope the rest of Your day is good to You and that Your weekend is great.

Thanks for stopping in.

💜⚡

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Drop

I’ve already grown used to writing in a decent word processor again and it has been a decade since I had one.

I know I could’ve gotten one between then and now, but you know how it is, you think I’ve got this, and WordPad ain’t so bad. It wasn’t so good either.

(Was I the only one who freakin’ loved WordPerfect?)

However, you get there is your business, and the most important thing is to write.

He should’ve known better and gotten his shiz together way before now. Yes, Mother, I know, thank you. I forgot how much I like to make the whole thing pretty. I’ve been hacking away at the page when I know better. That’s not who I am anyway. As mean as he is, he is incredibly delicate.

He likes it when his words look pretty.

That’s alright

He has this foolish notion that he can save people grief if he states something correctly. (…?)

Please don’t waste the amount of time He did.

Prioritize Your Work.

Because You Are Worth It.

It is finally Autumn, you guys.

I’m wearing it out this year. Join Me, Won’t You?

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Last Night’s Movie

Was Spice World.

Sorry you missed it,

Next Time.

I wanted to invite You, but it was after 10. If I’m always supposed to tell you, you gotta lmk.

Now, He is rewatching Game of Thrones.

We are on Season 3, Episode 3.

Night Night

💜⚡️

*****

I know it isn’t as good as the books.

We all know this.

Like a very limited highlight reel.

And the way I watch it, it should be called Cold Intros. I LOVE Winter and Snow and I still didn’t care.

Show me the Tywin.

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Fresh

2021 has been a mess. Not the mess that 2020 was, but a mess none-the-less.

First, we were obsessed with making through the Winter. Spring came and went. Summer has been a SEASON.

Come on Autumn, you got this.

Growing up, I lived in a farming community, and Autumn was unquestionably the “best” time of year.

The area was in a weird hot pocket that makes it perfect for farming and practically uninhabitable in summer.

As much as I love farms, and He DOES LOVE FARMS, I’ve always been an urbanite. I like paved roads and beautiful (NON-SKYSCRAPER) Buildings and People and Sturdy Bridges and all that jazz. Yep. That’s where it is.

Since moving into civilization, each season has has had a light and dark side. It probably has something to do with stimulation and access. Whatever.

What we are going to do this year is remember what Autumn felt like when we were Children.

When you would get one blast of cold, clean air and it was so good, you never forgot it.

When every other night there is a Festival and Festival Food.

When you’re standing by a fire with someone who loves you.

When an embrace heats up and makes you shiver.

MmmmHmmm.

Do whatever you can to keep yourself right. WHILE behaving and keeping yourself safe.

Whatever that looks like.🙄

(We are not safe.-BEHAVE! Pardon me.)

Personally, I will not go another day without exercising this year. Nope. Not on puropose I will not.

I should be exercising right now.

It’s alright, I know it, I know it.

Listen-

This is how we prepare for next year.

No, we are not done, we haven’t even started.

This isn’t over.

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Moonshine

Harvest Moon 2021
(Photos by Me)

I haven’t done this in a while. I hope you like it.

That is How You Slay

Giving you

Werewolf
Witch
And Vampire

It’s been a long time since I did this.

I was overserved. I couldn’t keep up with Her.

Bam
BaM
BAM

I LOVE IT.

My personal favorite-

You are so pretty.

Happy Harvest, And I hope Autumn is Good to You.

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Western

We are headed out west.

Washington Coast

125 Acres

3 residences

Way too much Money.

You love it.

This is the Guest House
Do whatever you want with it, you know I don’t care
She is very Cute
You could film a movie

I’m not showing it to you…yet.

This
Is now a Wedding Venue ($$$)
and I better not hear a thing about it.
A Workshop
“I don’t know what that is…”
We’re putting a tub here.

Are you ready?

We’re going in.

The Main House
Normal McAverage

And-

BAM!
BAM!
BAM!
Wear Them Out for their Doubt
Show Them Who You Are
It has been SO long since I had a decent bath. Years. (Don’t you cry, Bitch, you better pretend you’re fine.)
Rolling in the grass like a child
Where are we?
Washington or Norway?
There We Are.

Thank You for Stopping By.

You Rock.

Seriously, go to sleep.

Or Wake Up!

Whatever.

Thank You.

⚡️☣︎💜

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Marblehead

Tonight we are going to

New York

8 Acres

Join me, won’t you?

I see you, Fierceness
She is a Pretty Girl
Oh Damn
I like everything but the furniture.
It is so busy, those walls should be CREAM. I’m behaving. You put the RED marble in the DINNING ROOM. Everyone knows that.
I told you I’d get you that Kitchen. If you don’t like it do whatever you like, you know I don’t care.
White would’ve been alright here.
You Got me POOL??!?
So this will look like a war zone for a minute but yes it can be saved. Blue and White? Whatever…
What are we doing with this? because we are NOT. While I grew up in a single-wide, we are not keeping a bowling alley in our home. Two Words- Trampoline Park

Clap On

Clap Off-

We’ll get there.

You don’t know.

Except ours will be prettier, you watch.

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Estate

Come with me, won’t you?

We’re going to Virginia.

60 some-odd acres.

I said Hide-and-Seek!
Whhhhaaaaatttt?
Come On
Show Me What You Got
Good Night
I love that, I NEED IT!
those windows!
Eat it, Martha Stewart
Get out of my Room, Please.
DAMN I Love This
This is my Favorite
You was over there and I was over here. That was the deal
Needs to be redone but, the cheekbones
Meet me Outside, Dear
Not in the Garden that the Gods forgot (Without a Wall?)
Not the Garage
Getting Warmer
There We Are

But does it have a Steam Room?