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Today

I wanted to get up and go right to work on getting back in my routine. When I am “on the ball” life feels good. Lately I have been struggling with my scheduling and showing up for myself. Also the stress of being behind on home maintenance is weighing heavily on my heart.

Career wise, I have not been working as hard as I should to ensure my success. Parellel, I struggle with my weight.

Recently all I can think about is money and how unattractive I feel. It feels impossible to be happy in America right now. I don’t want to think about that any more today.

So the darkness has just tried to take right the fuck back over my life and I refuse to let it win.

I did exercise today. It’s a win.

I fed myself and didn’t let myself starve for no reason all freaking day. He’s winning.

Anything I write at this moment is going to be colored by my lackluster mental state.

The only things in this world that soothes my nerves are car trips and hot baths.

Gas is so high I can’t drive anywhere.

This house has two bath tubs and neither of them is acceptable for an actual bath.

Did you know that when we moved in here, the only thing I asked for (and this is true to this day) was a decent bath tub. We’ve been here so long it wouldn’t matter now.

You don’t even know, Baths are like half my personality, and it’s been so long since I had a decent one that it makes me (actually) upset to think about.

I’m mad at myself. I let this happen and here we are.

Treat yourself like your needs are irrelevant, see what it gets you.

Sometimes, even when you keep your priorities simple, people feel as if they need to push you past your endurance.

No, I am going to have hot baths again if I have to move to another fucking country.

And I will see the world. Watch me.

I don’t care what anyone else wants or doesn’t want. It doesn’t matter.

I am a human and I do deserve to be happy and I don’t give a damn why anyone else might believe otherwise.

Do you love people, and try your best? Then, fuck worrying about everyone else when no one considers you a priority.

I’d love for this to b a world where you can share your preferences and shortcomings with people and it could all lead to a better life for everyone but sadly that is not the case.

You are worth the investment.

I did what I could today with the resources available to me.

I posted almost this same exact rant almost a year ago.

Love you all and hope you are well.

Try and find a way to relax.

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About Last Night

(Rated TV-MA!)

Owwchies.

I ate it so hard tonight…  undeniable shit show tonight.

I don’t know what happened, except maybe that I wasn’t balanced, if you understand.

Twice now my instincts told me not to go up, and I did it anyway, and twice I went down in flames.

Hey, fun fact, I am a solid performer, but I am not someone who has access to all of “It” anytime I “want to”.

What I mean is that just because I can do many things it doesn’t mean that I can channel it all whenever I like.

Today I sang something and said, “Oh I sound great.” Which never happens, I should’ve been warned.

Speaking is the one that is easiest to do; not tonight it wasn’t. One of the only laughs I got was from humming. It was a terror burp, I was pulling up nothing.

So, I am up there, I make a joke I didn’t want anyone to laugh at, they all did.

I said, “Insurrectionists, make some no-o-o-ise” and they all did. I was hoping for nothing, it was a test. It was a test. 

I had them for about three jokes, about 30 seconds, and lost them.

I kept going, trying to be as real as possible, as that is the best stuff for me.

I went dark immediately…and they did not like it.

Things that affected my performance-

My bowels are affected by anxiety and on show day its always terrible.

Thank you. Today was parshitularly bad. I thought it was a fart, it wasn’t a fart.

Moving on. I spent the whole night thinking I was going to terror-blast-shit. all night.

I hated my outfit. I looked good last time. I opted out of repeating outfits. I have sworn a blood curse upon those low-rise jeans. I wore my old, safety outfit. It was bland, even by my standards. I CANNOT GO ON STAGE LOOKING LIKE SHIT. I can’t. I hate shopping! I HATE SHOPING FOR CLOTHES! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. TOMORROW! Fuck that hurt.

They were ready to go with me, too, and I just fucking missed it. Last time, it was due to being intoxicated, this time it was due to being sober. It makes sense and it doesn’t make sense. 

It was terrible, it was fucking terrible.

Something happened where the things I described were no longer funny to me. They were, but only in the darkest way and no one felt what I was saying.

I tried to retreat into my anger, but since my anxiety was jacked to hell it came out real AND, NO ONE GOT THE JOKE.

I said some super dark, real shit up there and usually it scores- NOTHING. Because I couldn’t get my mind right.

I felt it beforehand but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I got a lot of shit from the audience, and I tried to play back, but, no one got it (and it wasn’t great anyway).

Pretty much told them to shut the fuck up while I was talking.

I thought I’d get them back with the dark marriage joke but they didn’t think that was funny. Not being mean, there were no couples by then.

OH.

Some mean queen with blonde hair practically sat in my husband’s lap throwing something away-AND THEN LEFT BEFORE I COULD USE IT ON STAGE! Him leaving might have made me the maddest, I knew I could use that to be better and the son of a bitch left me standing there. I wanted to make his hateful ass laugh and then ignore him, but whatever. 

EVERYONE LEFT!!

I HATE IT!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

So, right before I went on, two tables full of people left.

Wap! Gone! 8 people. 8 people… 8 people left.

And I started getting shit from the balcony.

NO PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND A PACKED BALCONY IS FUCKED. JUST SO, YOU KNOW.

I couldn’t see them, they ALL tried to get at me at once.

It was terrible.

I have some devastatingly hilarious footage of my Husband reenacting the crash.

It was so bad. No grace. Absolutely none. At first, we were bantering then it became heckling I tried shut it down and none of it was working, I couldn’t get it together and that is just how it was.

The problem at that point was I was trying to be funny.

The whole thing was supposed to be funny and none of it was.

No one was even there, you’d think it would be easier, it was not. I had nothing. I know it’s there but it’s like it might as well not be there. 

You learn nothing from success, that thought occurred to me earlier today.

It was a bad day.

I’m not going to feel better until I win. That is the truth. It is fucked up for me. Excuse my language- Balance is a Motherfucker.

None of this will keep me from going back, I am so aggravated.

Damn that was terrible.

I can’t perform without an audience. The only time I can call it up is for an audience, and when I can’t do that I am lost. And I cannot switch gears and say, BE FUNNY IN A MUSICAL WAY, BITCH!!!, nothing. 

If I let my anxiety go unchecked, it is as dangerous as being drunk.

Fuck me. He is hopeless. Fantastic.

There was no reason, sometimes the stress overcomes me. I know I need more practice. I did everything I could to ensure my success with my superstitious ass and none of it saved me. My nerves are a real thing, usually I can drive them just above where they are fueling my ride, and then sometimes I cannot get on my surfboard, and it turns into whitewater rafting, and you just keep your nose and toes up and hope.  

You’d think I’d take comfort in the fact that I am talented, unfortunately, that is not who I am.

Worst night, so far, at least the last time failing is blurry because of the BOOZE,

I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Oh MY GOD, I forgot that right before I went on stage, I didn’t properly lock the bathroom door and some person just came in when I was in there. OOPS!

RIGHT BEFORE!

I AM DONE WITH TODAY.

If you’re out there being what you are, don’t stop. Bombing sucks, you’ll be alright.

For reference I felt like I did the best I ever did last time.

You’ll win again.

Me? I’m going to eat this coffee ice cream and zone out to some Xena Warrior Princess.

Second season?

Probably Ten Little Warlords

Goodnight.

Audio Edition-

I like this voice, if you don’t lmk
Go to sleep, gah.

I prefer the Success Insomnia, I do not like this.

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Reset

My insomnia is bucking like it always does this time of year.

I’m playing catch-up everywhere including my interactions on your pages, I have not forgotten you, it’s “that” time of year.

We both kind of hate spring. You think late winter is bleak but I hate the heat.

Summer will be better. I’ve had a wheeze since COVID and all I can think of is right now how to alleviate the embarrassing thing. Freaking loud breather.

It’s hard to keep up with everything.
I’m tired of being poor.

I’m going in a new direction and it has been wonderful.

I had an appointment for my shoulder yesterday and I’ve been in low gear trying to keep from irritating it further. Nothing new, fingers crossed, had a decent experience at the doctors, which was refreshing. Since I had an appointment I couldn’t sleep Monday, then last night, I thought I might be performing tonight but at about 2 A.M. I realized there was no way. I slept about 5 hours today between 8AM-1PM.

I am not good a relaxing. It takes as much practice for me as exercise, maybe more.

Had some very good tea a little while ago.

This year I may have been more productive career wise than ever before. I just wish my body wasn’t so frumpy.

I’m alright, it is not easy to maintain balance between Health, Mind, and Work. I sure wish my PARENTS HAD BEEN RICH. Feel like this might be easier somehow.

Anyway, that’s the story of why I can’t do overhead lifts anymore, probably.

Up until this time in my life I have been interested in strength only. I’m going to be switching gears into something superior. Yoga, Cardio, Swimming.

I am naturally muscular and I think it’s time to focus on function so I can remain upright.

I’ve been neglecting my self care for a while now and it didn’t really notice it until recently. I was so stressed on a regular basis that it has shown up as physical symptoms.
Living with chronic pain is no fun.

Sleep helps😴. Which is what I should be doing🥱 but I wanted to give you something, any little thing I could.🥴

Ready to be back in Dream World.💋

Take Care of Yourself. 🌹

-💜

PS- I am loving the sun this year. I have spent so much of my life out of the sunshine that my human body said, “…if you don’t go outside, Bitch.” The sun and the ocean are doing so much for me this year.

Please have good rest of the week!💋

Update- I’m still awake. I’m blaming you.

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Content

POV-I’m just trying to live my life and make a TikTok and my mofo phone has died seven mofo times.

I had to walk away.

Don’t be Kirby with the Hammer… Don’t be Kirby.

“Update” my ass.

I’m tired of smart phones anyway, I know I have to have at least one, fuck the world, but I’ve hated texts since they cost a quarter.-I WILL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!-I’m behaving.

Seriously, if you are not following me on TikTok or subscribed to my Youtube channel I don’t know what the fuck.

Yes, that is a new GIF for you.

-💜🌹

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Take Me Away

I think I murdered the soundtrack today

I have no alibi, I will not be answering questions at this time.

It’s chaos. His mind is chaos.

I heard somewhere that as people age they start hating music that is current and I said, No, thank you. Music is inherently good, it’s just terrible artists. You know what I mean. Its weird what makes you.

You don’t tell anyone what I did, and I won’t send those pictures–What I meant to say was- “Nothing.”.

What is evidence anymore, anyway?

BEHAVE!

-I’m Sorry

❤️💋❤️💋

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W.D.

Yesterday, I had to do some driving. Last Night, I had a crazy dream. Here we go.

So, the trip I took yesterday involved a lot of back roads.

At the opening of the dream, the sky was sunless but not full dark.

In this dream, I could run really fast. What I am telling you is that I was running on the road next to cars and shit. Yes, on the interstate, AND it wasn’t odd because there were other people doing it. It was very Kung-Fu Hustle. I remember being very careful merging. The off ramps were fun.

The landscape by then was all dark and starry. It was a mix of rolling hills and mountains in the distance. It was very pretty, like Tennessee can be.

Ok, so after a while, I am solo on the open road, which is nice but after a while I get lonesome. Right as I am wondering why am I heading in this direction, I crest a hill that has mountains to each side. At the top of this hill I see the Moon, bigger than I have ever seen it. Beyond me is a city that is wedged into a mountain pass.

It was so cute, I love places like that. Just into the civilization I see a building (on the left) and go toward it like a bird who can sense where it’s going.

The building looked like a mix of a luxurious Japanese townhouse and a modern home.
It was big, and square, the exterior was all dark wood and glass, the floor was all concrete.

This house was gorgeous.

The door was unlocked, as these things are in dreams, so I went inside.
The entry room was separate from the parlor. The entry room was small and rectangular, the door on one side and a glass door into the house.
I stepped into the parlor.

Something told me to dance so I just started dancing. It looked more like Tai Chi, but a bitch is not complaining. There wasn’t direct moonlight but enough residual moonlight for me to cast shadows.

So, what happened next is the weird part, stay with me.

I’m having fun in this house I walked into, and a man emerges from a hallway to the right. Older, Asian, Attractive. He was wearing a dark house robe.

He looked incredulous…but in an entertained way? I don’t know. I can’t explain it.

I was SO FREAKED OUT. I said, You need to leave, now. And that is exactly what happened. Burning with shame I headed out the way I had come.

WHY WOULD I ASSUME THAT BECAUSE IT IS UNLOCKED THAT IT IS “OPEN”?

He stepped towards me, but not in anger, or at least, not entirely.
I could tell that when he moved toward me it wasn’t aggressive, more curious, but I was so ashamed I had gone in someone else’s house without permission (IN MY OWN DREAM) that I couldn’t get out fast enough. Maybe he wanted to talk, maybe he wanted to kill me, maybe both, I wasn’t brave enough to stand there and find out. There was this panic that I had better get back to the other side of those doors, or else, and so I did, quick.

Yeah, I don’t know either. That one was fun, and stressful. Sorry, Mister. That was unintentional, why I thought a place so pretty would be vacant in today’s market, I do not know. I guess I wasn’t thinking.

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Pleaster

Hello, Hello!! Welcome Back!

First off, let me say, Sorry for the absence of any decent content in so long.

He is in charge of a frozen continent and sometimes the waters surrounding this bitch get choppy. You are welcome here, and I am glad to have you.

Today is as good as any to shit on Easter, right?-To just swing wide on a rant? FABULOUS. Because I am doing it.

We don’t do religious holidays in Chantarctica. But if we did, Easter is still off limits.

I am a bit of a purist. I prefer the original. When you take over all the good holidays how could you not succeed? Oh, that one hurts. Unlearning takes time. Because just wishing someone a happy Solstice or Happy Spring or Happy (FREAKING) HARVEST isn’t enough even though most of you live in farming communities, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (The Church is only another weight to you. Church is no way to overcome poverty or build confidence. Everything comes from outside yourself and can therefore be taken from you the minute popular opinion shifts, and I am only talking about my people.)

I’m genuinely sorry for the last part, Easter and Christmas get me riled up. No one has fun anymore, like no fun was ever had and everyone wonders why this planet is so dreadful.

We get to Purge Night once a year, on New Year’s Eve, and that is IT!

And we should call Christmas “Winter” instead.

I’m done!

Holidays are complicated for me. Holidays weren’t spent the way they should be spent until I started my own family. Yesterday was one of the best Holidays we ever spent together, and it was so simple. We never left the house, and I never felt the need too. It was us, and we had family over, it couldn’t have been better. We ate early and didn’t overdo it, which is hard because we are fat Americans, but we managed not to overeat.

Grammarly is out of my price range for the next two weeks and that’s just how “it is”. What I am saying is- Forgive a sloppy bitch, thank you. Everybody typos… and he is not the best speller and never pretended otherwise, thank you. And I am using Word, now.

Here we go-

Easter was a pagan holiday that was appropriated by the church to sell more WWJD bracelets to virgins.–I’m sorry!
What I meant to say was- Easter was “coopted” by Christians to drain what little joy was left in the world and diarrhea upon it-

-Fuck!-

Fine!

Fine… Easter is whatever you want it to be. And I’m sorry I was mean. I really, really hate that they took the joy out of it, and if you know what I am talking about…. I’m behaving. Rabbits. I don’t hate Christians, I resent the way they treated me personally.

I was a pagan before I was Christian, I converted, and I disavowed said conversion. I’m a pagan again and I don’t think people have fun anymore and it leads to more hell (agnostic? I don’t fucking know, none of it matters.) Some people aren’t spiritual or introspective, I probably dwell on it too much. It doesn’t matter.

Cut to me- watching the Little Mermaid Television Show and trying not to fucking consider our shared circumstances.

I hope you are all safe and full.

You know who was low key stud material? The Seaclops in Season One, Episode 16- Calliope Dreams. Maybe not even low key, maybe flat-out. I will not be taking questions at this time.

🎶Girl-Look-at-that-Body🎶

Grandpa Neptune would roll over in his grave, is what he’d do! (I’m behaving! That joke is specific to the episode. Just a little something for you… No, I will not explain it, thank you.)

Please have a good week.

Happy Spring!

(Update)

So internet, cave house, fresh water…(?)
There is never anything to eat because I am a former obese person, but you can bring whatever you like.

Steam Cave. We need a steam cave that won’t murder the shit out of us or blow the fuck up.
It’s a process.
And internet only in certain areas because a bitch isn’t stupid. Thank You.
You’re not allowed to die, thank you.

Not that you ever ask, but I’m doing great, thank you. Call your Mother.

💜💜💜

⚡️

🌹

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Poof

On vacation, I went outside to smoke.

The smoking area was very blah.

I saw some stairs going down.

The stairs looked very Westworld.

It was all open air and concrete.

One floor down it looked the same,

On the second landing it turned into a horror movie.

On the lowest level there was a hallway that led out to the beach.

It was the one time I smoked the entire time I was on vacation where it was actually relaxing like it’s supposed to be.

It was so open you could hear the emptiness around you.

I was surrounded by air, concrete, and darkness. It was perfect. and I didn’t see anyone which made it better.

Goodnight 🌕 💕💕

Going to bed.

You bitches don’t start participating and I’m shutting it down. I’m sorry!

I know I haven’t written anything good for you guys in a while. I still love you, damn it.

AND I KNOW I SHOULDN’T SMOKE, THANK YOU.

Xena…. Something Xena.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be Chakram.

Season 5 Edpisode 2.

Featuring

Big Sexy

And Brokeback HailMary.

If you get that joke we should be friends. hit me up.

And Clover Valley Jesus. (Ugh.) hate Eli. I’m sorry. Hate him hate him hate him, I’m sorry. There are some very racist episodes of Xena Warrior Princess….. Like that blackface (blackface?) episode of the Golden Girls. Later. It is important but it’s late…. Mixed Blessings-! That is the name of the episode.

Go to sleep!

Fuck!

What I mean is, “I love you.”

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Tonight’s Episode

Yesterday, I put my earrings back in after not wearing them for a year.

I have been in various degrees of defensive dress for a while.

It’s Enough. You Potato.

I look much better with them in. I’m sorry if earrings offend you, it is not really my choice.

Pardon me- My earlobes aren’t as cute as they used to be-uh!

It’s fine!

Be happy your ears are still cute, Bitch.

Tonight’s episode is Sacrifice, Season 3. 🔥

I probably won’t be able to stay awake. 🌕

Please have a good week, please. 🌹

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Last Night

I had a very long dream. I was a kid again, which always makes me uncomfortable.

It was all an Experiment.

We were in this large group and there was a separate group of adult researchers.

It was very Inventing Anna meets The Lord of the Flies

I can only remember the last scene.

All the testing up until this point had been above the board, and trust had been built.

We are taken to a beach-front building that had a wall open to the ocean.

The Tide was coming in.

I did not know how I knew what was happening, but I knew for a fact that the researchers were about to turn physically violent.

I woke up right after that.

The last thing I saw were the researchers swimming out, all of them gleeful.

And a bunch of oblivious test subjects who had no idea what was coming.

I watched a YouTube video yesterday about a social experiment.

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🎶Alright🎶

I’m feeling this.

I was not starting.

what I meant to say was

*Nothing!*

Just a pretty man in a corset. (Corset? Probably not the right word, have mercy.)

That’s how you get a dollar fifty is what that is.

I do have a Jackson Wang joke,

Imagine we’re playing i’d rather.

“I would rather get in an actual sword fight with Jackson Wang.”

It’s funny to me!

(Hint- I would Not)

Whatever!

Shouldn’t you be awake or asleep or some shit?

Gah!

I’m watching it again.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be The Quest,

Starring-

🎶oh I just can’t wait to be Queen🎶

followed by A Neccesary Evil

Join me, won’t you?

I have got to start going to bed earlier.

Don’t be an insomniac, you guys.

For Cereal.

A Necessary Evil is all about the way Callisto looks at Gabrielle right after she bashes Her.

Right Here.

It gets me every time. I know I’m repeating myself and I do not care.

And we are remembering that she actually had the shot, and had mercy.

don’t mess with Gabrielle. She will shove that stick so far- you know whAt? I’m leaving.

Goodnight.

“That was good.”

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Power

I’m not on anyone’s side,

I am not on anyone’s side…

He did laugh at the joke.

That probably hurt, both of them. That could easily make me lose my composure.

I’m ignorant, I thought Jada wore her hair short because it suits her. Had know clue. I just thought it was fierce.

I don’t want to look into if Mr. Rock knew of Her condition. and what he meant by the joke, the spirit counts for a lot.

Wait!

Wait for me please.

People who have never seen that movie and have only ever heard lesbians and “butch” girls referred to as G.I. Jane… I feel that. Men are the worst.

The only reason the movie worked was that Demi Moore was even more beautiful after she cut off her hair. (Yes, and the body montage. Focus.)

It felt like he was being mean, but in way that was almost a come on?

I don’t know how to explain it.

Then, there is- GI Jane chose to cut her hair off; she didn’t lose it.

All around rough.

All around.

I do know that when it didn’t seem land with Her my heart sank.

I mean he did basically call her butch.

I do not believe in violence, particularly over words, more so if there is a size difference-

We don’t get to say what is or is not when we were not involved.

What I can say,

I think that the (white) people advocating for a black man to lose His Oscar are angrier over the fact that He won an Oscar than anything He did.

But we are behaving.

Shit, I thought it was a stunt that went off the rails.

MEDIC!!!!

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Yesterday

(pardon me)

Yesterday,

Was some bullshit.

My family got in my head.

(My Fault)

I knew I had been being too nice.

And you start thinking that maybe Walder Frey was justified… And you stop, because- no he was not.

Ooooohh it hurt so bad.

Good luck next time you cheap bread eating–YOU KNOW WHAT?-I’m BEHAVING.

TODAY!!!!!

Today,

I saw a dolphin for the first time.

A whole bunch of them.

AND!!!

CUTE IN MY BATHING SUIT,

Not that you asked.

I’m sorry, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER MY VIEW OF THE OCEAN.

Fuckers.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be

Return of Callisto

Featuring

Sunshine

Season 2.

Followed by Intimate Stranger

Love her. Love Callisto,

Love their dynamic.

Because a Bitch gets it, is why

Good night.

Sweet Dreams.

🌹

PS- She did murder her, now.

🎶and way down we go🎶

That in itself would prove a motive for everything else she did. Just saying. Already killed her family, didn’t kill her in battle,

“Yes, she did.”

There’s your Old Xena.”

Go to sleep, you freak.

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Alvin Zhou

Could Get It

Behave!

He’s not even 30!

Mr. Dirty Mind.

I’m trying!!!

So all I had seen were his personal YouTube, where he takes 1,000 years to make the best food ever made? You know the ones.

He doesn’t talk in those videos which I am a fan of.

What I did not know was that there is a whole bunch of other videos WHERE HE JUST MAKES BIG FOOD.

Oh. MY. GOD!

Save me from this torment!

Just a

Total Fucking Smoke Show.

Don’t tell him I said that.

Between him and Alexander Skarsgård I am done with Men.

DONE.

I am not a cook.

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Pattitude

I came into the mirrored room.

So upset, so angry, and humiliated.

That intro hit my ears like salvation.

Here it comes

The response from my body was immediate

That switch flipped.

*Skips into motion*

It was very Flashdance

Because of the my emotional state, I was able to let go and let the music take me.

I killed it.

I mean, 1980’s empty warehouse killed it.

I spun around three times and I cannot spin.

In fact, most of the time I have trouble knowing where to put my feet. Not today.

There was no doubt. It was if I’d never felt it before.

It was first time in years I had full access to my rhythm and my fierceness at the same time.

Even my Father would’ve given it up for that performance and He hates art. “Show ‘Em.”

I wish I had be able to film it, but, nope.

Damn That was Nice.

Sometimes, you forget who you are.

Show ‘em where it’s at, Miss Harding.

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Idol

Last Night,

I dreamt of a sanging reality show.

I was in the cheap seats. Duh.

A Girl came on stage and began to slay.

Immediately, just Whitney Houston killing it.

Dead silence from the crowd, they weren’t reacting because the girl was Asian.

I screamed my head off for Her.

and then

“Fuck Them!”

“Fuck Them!”

“Fuck Them!”

And the chant took.

Fuck them. You go.

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Bad Religion

It was shortly after Mother’s absence when I started having to rage on my Father and Brother.

Already sad

Already furious

They expected me to carry on, AND clean up the emotional muck of the Family like I had done when we were all present

AND they wanted to tear me down to degrade me so I never saw what was happening or my own importance to the dynamic.

 

Yes, You did.

 

Yes, you did.

 

Does he know men?

it wasn’t their fault, the world goes at kindness with both hands and does it’s best to tear it apart.

So, what would happen when She was around was that they would start, I would be sensitive and sad and She would unleash the thunder when she caught them. You need a woman around. People don’t respect mothers.

Anyway, my Brother caught it first in a big way in a cornfield and when my Dad started laughing I really let him have it, I was screaming and crying so hard at the end I couldn’t breathe.

It had never happened before, I had the dark implulse to lose my temper but I hadn’t on them before.

I think remember exhaustedly telling them to just kill me at the end? I don’t know. I was very dramatic, but I also never agreed to be the one who was shat on for the rest of my life either.

It got to where if I said, “Leave Me Alone” they would. My Brother was stronger but he’s never had my bloodlust, even before I was changed.

Since I am an adult now I know I can remain silent or say, “I need you to leave me alone, please.” And I do. I never just go at anyone. I’d like to be left in peace, what can you do?

 

I will rail against that toxic male bullshit until I am dead. FUCK YOU. To whoever needs to hear it, you are the reason this world is BULLSHIT. I’m behaving.

Because everyone is better off without the broken thought system.

When you see it, it changes everything. Most men are shitbags.

 

Both are better people now, I taught them a lot of that without any training, and I never get credit. Not by saying a word but by proving that good is correct by being the best I could.

 

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttcccccchhhhh.

AND BOTH OF THEM ARE WORTH MORE MONEY THAN ME!

STILL!!!

No big deal… He just works for the only University in the State that Matters.

(We were supposed to make COMIC BOOKS…..You Bitch!-THAT was a joke. We were but we learned a long time ago we wanted se-pa-rate lives. Bog Monsters are notoriously overinvolved in family nonsense, and I do not have the energy.)

 

Where was I going?

Oh, sometimes you have to be willing to stand up for yourself in a very real way. That hippie hocus pocus about acceptance and stoicism with end up destroying you if you are not careful.

 

You can’t run from everything. You didn’t start it, but you can always handle your shit, I don’t care who it is.

 

Love will make you accept some shit you’d never accept, won’t it? It will.

🎶What’d you say?🎶 🎶…She called me fat.🎶

I did ask you to leave me alone, though.

In a respectful tone.

No one listens to me.

Featured

Glitter

Because of the lies little gay children are taught, I did not believe that there was such a thing as consensual sex between two people of the same sex. EVER.

I was told there is no reason for that to ever happen and that there was certainly no happiness to be found.

While happiness is hard to argue because even happy humans are a little sad all the time, but to act like something couldn’t DOESN’T exist because you’ve never seen it is a sin.

There are very good people in the South, but it is this kind of shit that drives me crackers.

In areas with a low population density people get away with all kinds of nonsense.

Ask me how I thought all gay people had AIDS because they were gay, NOT because of sex.

Fucking tragic. They won’t let us near our innocence, will they?

They will NOT.

BY THE WAY

BY THE WAY

It isn’t a little slice of Heaven if everyone is walking around miserable.

SAY SOMETHING.

Hide it under a bushel?

NO.

Featured

Shorty

Trying out new workout clothes.

I like the reaction to the pants, only the type I don’t mind looking at me look at me in pants.

I tried some shorts.

They are too short.

My legs are pretty I know that

If people wouldn’t stare it would be nice, it was my own fault.

We’ll see, they are cotton so maybe they will loosen up, the longer ones are En route. (The longer ones were incorrect. it is either too long or too short. I’m looking for pants. Screw it.

We’ll see.

I’m 5×5 so I can wear short stuff but that shit was funny.

Y’all been real nasty, haven’t you?

Yes, you have.

I will pick you up.

I’m behaving

There was One person who looked like me at Golds and I broke down and asked him flat out how much he weighed because I was so bothered.

300?

maybe more, he looked like Hafþór Júlíus.

I was at 250.

I’m working my way back there. I know I look fat again, thank you. Working on that.

We’ll see.

If I could keep this collagen from forsaking me we would be in business but he is 34, now.

I think I’m going to find a new shirt. You can see the waist-trainer, and I am not a fan. Do not like that.

What I do with the marshmallow fluff is my business.

You gotta go to the gym even though it’s always painful and kind of terrible. (or workout with others)

I’m sorry.

💜⚡️

*****

Excuse me one moment.

If I was smart, I could have had a HIDDEN CAMERA but he is a moron. Excuse me- FUCK!!!

He’s a moron.

Featured

Kevin Williamson

Could Get It

Guess who didn’t know who you were

Sir.

Said the Scary Looking Man

I didn’t know what a big deal you were.

We should be friends.

It always comes out as sexual aggression I’m just drawn to brilliance.

No.

No. I do not need to defend that smokestack to you.

I see you, Conrad Grayson!

Watching The Faculty thinking, This reminds me of Scream,

I didn’t know.

🎶I saw the li-i-ight🎶 🎶I saw the li-i-ight🎶

No more Darkness. No more Night.

I have to behave.

Wow.

I said it.

And I’ve never seen or have any interest in seeing Dawson’s Creek or The Vampire Diaries, I do not care.

Complete Strangers

Was the worst

(Check, one, two)

The Worst thing I have ever seen in my life.

I only watched the end,

I can not.

I am incapable,

Because I Cannot.

Older than me in that thirsty bitch underwear

You are not slick.

I’m sorry.

So bad, it was so bad.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye Opening Weekend BAD.

Sorry, Jessica, I love you. That was a joke. Unlike TETF, it wasn’t bad in an entertaining way that you could get into.

As if we don’t have enough straight people projecting those stereotypes on us you’re gonna-

-You know what?? I’m not doing this right now.

I’m sorry, I am genuinely furious right now.

It can’t even be considered an art film!

Behave!!

I’m sorry!

Weight

Wait!

I have a better one!

(Actual) Story Time.

It’s one for the senses.

Today, we will hear the story of how I almost fainted in the steam room.

It happened this afternoon after my workout.

It has never happened before.

Usually, I like to pace in the steam room, which only works when there aren’t others in the steam room.

There were two other people in there today, so I just had to stay still.

After a while, it began to feel better than it usually does, like I was in a bath.

My face was lifted to the ceiling.

And my Head Stopped Working.

Everything above my neck went black.

 I couldn’t see,

I couldn’t hear.

I felt myself slowly sliding down the wall with my right hand.

My legs slowly bent,

and I felt myself sitting on the edge.

It happened so slowly because my body took over.

It was crazy.

I sat down lightly, not knowing that I could sit back, so I sat there on the edge, teetering, not knowing if I should try and stand back up.

I had forgotten myself and my surroundings.

When the Video CAME BACK

I still had no idea where I was for a few seconds. 

“Oh, Shit.” I said, and then “Excuse Me”(which is usually “Pardon Me”, but a bitch was coming back into himself) before getting my dumbass out of the heat.

I don’t think they knew.

Today!

A few hours ago.

Don’t die, bitch.

We need you.

Could’ve eaten it TODAY!

C.D.

Last night, I had a crazy dream.

First, the air all around was lit the blue-gray color of sunset. The feel at first was certainly more horror. Some crazy shit was happening, or had happened and we were trying to stop it or prevent it from happening. I don’t know.

Also, at the beginning of the dream I was merely an unseen observer, not a character.

At first it was all spaceships, even though we were on Earth. It felt like we were in California somewhere. I’ve never been to California, but there it is.

Inside this story was a story about two people. Two men who loved each other but couldn’t make their friendship work at that time and in that place.

One was blonde and pretty, the other an intense brunette. All through this story I was with one or the other while each raced to fix the issue.

The colors in this dream were very early 90’s Lisa Frank. Lots of Pink, Orange and Yellow.

This dream spanned years and huge distances. One minute we were on Earth, the Next somewhere in Space.

What became clear was that it was some type of Body Snatcher Situation and the final battle was starting.

We were in some kind of warehouse.

Now I am able to participate and we are checking this places for Host.

Two Human’s disappeared for just a moment and we found them in the process of being taken.

They (THEM) had a sense of humor about it and basically said, “I knew better than to try right now.”

Suddenly, I am on a beach watching the last of them fail to take over a Host.

While these things are drawing to a close,

I see a spaceship flying beside the Golden Gate Bridge,

And I can hear the two friends finally communicating. They are now in a spaceship.

One says, “I finally did this”

Leading the other to say, “I got my skin smoothed out”

When we pan out one says to the other,

“Sorry I didn’t call you for 15 years.”

AND BAM, Back to the

TO THE OUTRO VOICEOVER, PERFORMED BY THE OTHER-

The Message was not one of anger but of disappointment and contrition.

In fact, for some reason,

The Other had made arrangements for us to go to a new world, far away where we would be free to live as we could not here. There was the smell of magic to it. Past a far away sun, near the edge of the universe.

This dream was ALL OVER THE PLACE, LITTERALLY.

It was all night, with an intermission when I had to urinate.

I woke UP tired.

I don’t know, I can identify some of it, but no, I do not know.

Present

To this day,

Straight people treat me one way,

Then another when they find out I’m gay.

 

What is that?

My entire life.

I have learned that whatever their reason is, just let them go. Unless they are important to you, who cares what they think?

This reaction from a loved one is a fucking betrayal.

Did you trust them?

Did you do your best to conform?

You know how some people like to say not everyone can be saved?

Some people never change.

You are fine. Are you alive?

Do you know who you are?

Then you are winning.

You will come out on top, and they will look like the idiots they are.

Don’t let anyone hurt you and that includes mistreating you.

Excuse me,

But you don’t owe anyone a damn thing,

Especailly letting someone weaponize and aspect of your nature against you.

Don’t give them anything,

Don’t let them accuse you of dishonesty.

You’re alright.

Fight Back.

Anything that comes at your optimism must be destroyed.

Mine was a close part of my being. I may not be a happy person, but I am optimistic. I have always been optimistic about the future. Although the last few years have been dreadful, I remain optimistic.

It works.

That shit never goes away though. It is everywhere.

They had it right the first time. You were worthy of their respect before they got smart and you’re worthy of it regardless of their personal preferences, if they are so damn proper, is what it is.

Many times, you earned that respect, I know, fuck them.

 

I have to go to sleep.

Don’t feel broken though, you’ll always be a little mad.

Maybe not.

I have always been a fed-up old person and I always will be.

Get some rest, you will feel better.

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

David Archuleta came out. I was waiting on that.

You mean “Should’ve Won?”

Should’ve Won came out.

I don’t think I knew how much I needed that.

You mean instead of that Angel,

It was a vampire looking sucker?

YES!

I KNOW!!

I’m behaving.

He was so cute, I was so bothered.

He is 31!

When did that happen??

Breathe!

It’s fine,

He’s fine.

I like when they seem to be good people.

Aren’t you glad you waited around? He is.

Be nice.

It could’ve never happened.

Most of the time, it doesn’t.

Is so.

It is so.

Yes, it is!

Heal

I got a juicer this year.

I am never going back!

You can’t afford not to, is what it is.

When you are rinsing out a glass that has had natural juice in it, you can just use water and it comes right off.

If you rinse out a glass that had soda or store bought juices in it, the side is always grimey,

That was all it took.

Get you a juicer, please.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always hated eating vegetables before I got healthy. Even now that I like the taste, it is hard for me to get the amount of vegetables I need. The juicer makes it easier. 

Right now I’m working off spinach, pears and pomegranates.

It’s amazing, I just keep winging it and it keeps turning out, I must be a natural. …You like that?

The juice needs to be green.

You are not slick,

GREEN.

Quest

When it comes to death and the afterlife, I can admit that I am unsure. I don’t know if there is such a thing as an afterlife. Or an immortal soul. (There is no such thing as death if this a Simulation.)

At one point in my life I was such a true believer in Christianity that I had zero fear of death and zero uncertainty that I would go to Heaven. I knew that I would give up my life to save someone else’s.

The memory of that chills me.

Because my own wants and my own life meant nothing to me.

Some of you will understand why. It’s not that I believed In something wrong it was that I was manipulated into doing so, and later used by the Baptists to further their agenda.

It’s funny how they can dare speak of a gay agenda when their dirty little fingers are in everything from Politics to Junk Food Production, but alright.

I do believe in something more, something other than the randomness and isolation of our lives, but my faith may be baseless. It feels real and genuine, but who knows?

When you put together that we are heading in one direction it makes you wonder.

“If I die” What you meant was “When”

Shit! Who are you tellin? Why I’m still mad the Rapture never happened and They just left me down here to burn with the rest of yo- .

What I meant to say was “TeamWork!”.

Remember when we went through most our existence killing the shit out of each other before anyone could grow wise enough to stop it?. And it just keeps happening? Remember when 30, then 50 were the end of the road? Remember letting people halt medical breakthroughs because science is inherently evil?

America broke my fucking heart.

It’s not the so-called religion

It’s knowing that most of the people who look like me are vile.

The things they believe, about this life and the people in it would turn your stomach.

Whoever you are, whatever you believe, know that everyone wonders. Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for answers you will never find. He said, knowing he is a damn hypocrite. He is the worst about doing that.

I’ll give you something new.

You know what would suck? Being the only ghost that ever existed and just having to hang there until the universe falls apart. OH! No Higher Power, No company, just you. Until BOOP.

 

Did I think the Rapture would take place before I’d have to experience death? I did. Most Baptists and Assembly people do. Then, you learn that the church uses Revelation and (usually) regionally held beliefs on Armageddon to keep their members in line.

You want to think it matters, all of it, the person you are, your motivations, your choices, but it’s hard to ever really know.

I am a live-wire, like many of you. I’m grateful for every moment I get.

You kinda just hope for the best.

Cosmic Latte

Look up why it is relevant to this subject and thank me later.

First

Happy New Year.

It was 80 freaking degrees today.

The world is dying while our leaders fuck up after fuck up.

I cannot.

I refuse to let this year be shit.

Not in this trailer park. Not Today.

First of all, you can do whatever you want.

You just have to be ruthless and strong, which you should be anyway.

If you are here you have to be tough. That means a million things.

Kinda wish I could find the right ice shield that would keep this bitch cold in the SUMMER and not tank the whole thing but you know what they say about wanting.

Be great to sunbathe but we have flaming polar bears…so don’t please.

We’re inside bodies here.

Even the hot springs are under ground.

Best not to overthink it.

Hot Drinks are Free.

Kinda wanna bring your own food though.

He doesn’t eat.

Happy New Year.

I have no idea what I am doing this year.

*Insert Mad Laughter*

This year CAN be better.

Fuck them.

(How??

HOW WAS THAT ONE WORSE?)

Doesn’t matter

We are Moving On.

Is What We are doing.

Have you seen I saw the Devil?

That was something.

What about Misha and the Wolves?

Monica, what the Hell?!

Last Night

I was in Chicago, which is funny because I’ve never seen it. Chances are it was some urban spot I saw that was playing Chicago.

There was a Sporty Spice-type with long dark hair that I had a conversation that I cannot remember.

 

Later, I was in another place.

There was a team of us traveling around looking for something.

 

I don’t know how to explain it but that it felt like it was in the southern hemisphere. There was a group of us and we were looking for someone.

 

I was dropped through a square hole in the top of a building.

 

The lip had runes all around it.

 

Inside, you could see the runes on every surface.

 

There was something dark inside that we needed to help us.

 

I remember seeing the outline of something that resembled Loki’s Father from Thor.

 

It was alright.

 

It’s been a minute since I could carry it back with me.

 

Very Soul Eater meets A Necessary Evil.

 

That one was cute. I wish I had seen more.