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Outtake

Damn that Cat.

The body was working today

DIRECTOR! COME GET THIS CAT! F!!!!!

I’m done. Today I wanted to go Live on TikTok but I couldn’t get it together. To make myself feel better I decided to get some pictures with the good light.

Most of them came out right. The body shots-WHICH ARE NOT EASY IN THE FIRST PLACE!- were obscured by Sheddy Krueger. THANKS.

Love you guys, hope your weekend is good….

Since Instagram cuts off the edges of Pictures- LOOKING AT YOU, Instagram!-we’ve got some Exclusives- Thank you, Chantarctica, Thank you WordPress- Here are the full photos-

Wham
Wham
Wham
Wham
Wham
Wham

Before you get smart, I haven’t taken a shower today. THAT’S RIGHT. Love you. I hope some of you see this and it makes your weekend better. Get out there and have fun or stay in a restore your energy. Do something nice for yourself, please.

We are finally getting close enough to Autumn that I’m feeling optimistic again. Be safe. Thank you for coming by.

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One

More weekend of July. We are already halfway through summer, thank all that is good. Twice this season the weather has saved my mental health; I hate summer but I love summer thunderstorms.

We’re going to be alright. You know what’s fucked up? I had just started feeling like my life long attraction to Russians was not treasonous, really breaking down that born in the 80’s ridiculous Russian stereotyping, and -WHAM- War. F me. Oh I do not want fight with anyone. It never ends well. Whatever. It’s not like anyone cares what I think.

Anyone else wish they could spend summer surrounded by snow?

Today was strange. Not terrible but strange. Being gay isn’t a sin. I had an odd conversation and I feel compelled to say that. Being gay is not a sin, having a lazy mind is a sin. By the way, there is no such thing as sin- there is only good and evil. And all the other things.

This year has been terribly interesting, so much that even in the middle of a depressive state I am thrilled about what else is to come. I’ve been working on my other socials, specially TikTok and Instagram. Some gabies shamed me into getting a Snapchat. Instagram is my favorite. I am trying to go live more.

💋❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️❤️♥️💋

You never know what’s coming- I hope the rest of this season, the rest of this year is good for you. I know it feels like the world is crazy, that is because it is, you’re gonna be great. Better than fine. Don’t deny yourself happiness. Whatever it takes.

If you have been around here for awhile, thank you so much for sticking around, you make this a better space. You rock. Take care of yourself.🌹

Love You Guys

Have A Great Weekend

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Midway

Happy Saturday!

When I woke up today I thought to myself- it is a Saturday, just cool it and try and relax. Anyone who knows me knows that it is very hard for me to sit still and harder to relax. Anxiety.

They took Bring It On, Ghost off Netflix and it made me mad. They took Oh My Ghost off as well and I became bitter. Those are my favorite K-Dramas. Fortunately, I got the DVDs as an early birthday gift. Currently, I am watching 13th episode of Bring It On, Ghost. I like to rewatch it, usually this time of year.

Usually, I try to avoid coffee but today it was magnificent. I really like good coffee.

Fun fact- we realized this week that I didn’t have my first blended iced coffee drink until I was SEVENTEEN. NO WONDER I LIKE THEM SO MUCH! I’m behaving. People don’t know, they think they do but they don’t.

The last few weeks have been very tough psychologically for me. Summer is always a doozie tying right back into growing up in an agricultural economy.

I’ve been trying to get sun because I had low Vitamin D levels. I’m very fair skinned and am trying to stay safe about it. Recently discovered a new spot of arthritis, which is always fun. HELP ME!!! -He’s Fine! It’s Fine…

Hopefully this weekend is good to you all. I hope you are safe and happy. It seems like a lot to ask for in the world right now, but there it is.

Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x1
Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x2
Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x3

We need you.

The sooner you cut this woe is me sh!t the sooner we can move forward

I AM TRYING.

AND IF YOU SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT YOUR FATHE-

YES! I UNDERSTAND, THANK YOU

I love you too, damn it.

Get more exercise. I worked out at least three times this past week and it may be the only reason I had it in me to do this. I have missed being here. I missed you, maybe. Whatever.

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Silenced

Is the scariest movie I have ever seen.

You think- Korean Doubt is INSANE-Except this was released years before Doubt.

I love one run of scenes in Doubt.

This entire movie is freaking insane.

When that kid drops the notebook and starts wailing you will want to murder something.

This movie is insane, the whole thing is a trigger warning. Netflix.

Scariest shit I have ever seen- no notes for you.

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Sitting

In my chair wondering how everyone else is.

Hopefully there will be something pleasant in the weekend for you. The last few weeks have been crazy, I’ve had to take some mental health time, keeping all of the updated all the time is a little overwhelming for a guy who never really liked social media. Blogging is my favorite.

Don’t wanna talk about politics don’t wanna talk about COVID- GO!

Oh, hey I got rejected by an agent but I did get a response, WHICH MADE ME WANT THEM MORE. It felt like less than 12 hours, I hope that was a good thing.

About to have dinner. Ham. Rice.

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Goodnight

Today I was able to get to the gym and that was nice.

On the way home from the gym, my tire went out and I got stuck. Thankfully, and you won’t hear me say this much- There was a church, a big, blessedly empty church, so I pulled into their drive way.

Thankfully, I was able to call someone. It only took them about 15 minutes to get there, which was great. He got the tire switched out and the old one loaded into the back.

After that, all I could think of was food so I had some ramen and pork dumplings for dinner.

Love You Guys, sorry I don’t have as much time as before.

In the coming weeks I intend to post more.

Please have a good weekend.

⚡️

Will update with episode

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Goodnight

Usually, it’s Xena, we know that. Tonight it was Black Butler.

I love animation, you guys. It was this or Soul Eater. (Or something new, but I did not have the energy.)

I did, go on stage tonight though I wasn’t going to perform. I’m glad I did ok it.

There was some very funny things happening tonight and it was fantastic. I only had one joke and they did not like it, it’s alright, because I did.

I can’t say a favorite here for fear of hurt feelings.

I can’t.

He wasn’t great but he loves it.

Something for you-

It made me laugh-

-💜

Where is my Sebastian?

CHANZY, you’re 34 that Sebastian is like 84,

I don’t care!! Is he keeping it tight?

Behave!!!

It’s fine. Forgive my voice “it’s late”. And pardon the cursing I was excited.

Who’s playing with my hair?

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About Last Night

Tonight was bad. I already vented on Twitter. Basically, I bombed so bad tonight it wan’t funny. I mean I wasn’t funny.

Everyone else was. Everyone else did well. Special thanks to the Host, Beth, who was amazing. Opening was good.

That old mother fucker came right at you and your keywords didn’t he, bitch? Yes, he did.

That other bearded queer was funny, wasn’t he? Yes.

It was so bad. It was so bad.

I had about 60 seconds of control and BOOP, gone.

FORSOOKEN.

My set was trash.

It has been clear to me for a while I need to have an Instagram or a Facebook, I chose Instagram. I left Instagram a couple of years ago when they kept calling me a “DILF”. He’s sensitive. So, I am on Instagram, now, we will see what good it does me.

I’m not angry and anyone’s else success,

That being said,

I hated that.

The audience was GONE!

I AM BEHAVING.

I NEVER ASKED TO GO LAST!

I AM BEHAVING.

I am going to calm down and rewatch The Northman.

There was no LIQUOR!

WHO DOES THAT???

GOODNIGHT, TONIGHT IS THE NORTHMAN HEADED STRAIGHT INTO MATERNAL INSTINCTS and THE BITTER SUITE and that’s it.

I did see it all and I thought I had a grip on my nerves. It was an off night.

I know next time will be better.

A few hours ago when I got home I felt something welling up and I ended up getting something on camera

Yes- It was real.

Go to sleep. To the sound of my Shame

LAP IT UP.

I’m sorry. Not your fault.

Will you play with my hair so bitch can rest? FUCK!

Goodnight.

He’s fine.

It’s fine.

We’re fine.

Fine.

🎶Finally🎶

I am so much scarier than I was tonight.

Go to sleep, sweet baby.


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Duran Duran

Today has been something. As soon as I woke up I went to the gym.

On the way there my legs and glutes were beginning to pre-cramp, so that kept me out of the pool.

The only thing I could do was lay outside and go to the steam room. I was exhausted by the time I got back, my body has been so sore. Papa needed a rest day.

I missed lunch by half and hour so I’m waiting for dinner like a wolf. Rawr

Update coming

Ramen

Lemonade

It was so good

Featured

War

I’m working on a new look. Most of my life I’ve just thrown on clothes.

When you grow up as poor as I did it is complicated. There was never money for clothes and every time I was allowed to pick something it was criticized so hard I never learned to trust my instincts, which are on point.

Last week I found a shirt that reminds me of a 90’s shirt, specially the color.

I love this shirt, I found it online. (Amazon)

How cute is this???

I wore it on stage last night, so, now, I can wear it anytime.

🎶Radio🎶 🎶Spiderman🎶

I know tank tops are for younger people, I cannot help what looks good on my frame. i used to hate people my age and older wearing tank tops. I get it, just trying to look good.

It it were up to me I’d always wear a suit.

Be good to yourself. People are rough enough without leaving openings for them. You’re allowed to look good.

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After the Storm

Tonight, was better than the last time I went up.
The nerves were on my freaking head the entire day. Up until today it wasn’t clear to me when I’d go back.
It was so bad last time.

Everyone who was up there was a regular and I REALLY liked that feeling. Two people who were usually there were absent, which was a bummer.

Everyone did well tonight. It was nice. The audience seemed to want to laugh, which always helps.

One guy talked to another performer’s date.

The oldest guy probably did better than I’ve ever seen him perform.

This time when I got up, I immediately zoned out- which was a comfort. When I can’t see anyone from the stage it means I’m doing alright.

I started with a dirty joke. I ended with some shaky prop work. The last joke was not great but, yes, they “got me”.

Afterward, I left the bar and tried to calm down. I didn’t want to just leave tonight for some reason, maybe I wanted to bask in the company. It felt good.

There was another comic I liked, I tried to pay them a compliment, and looking back I think I fucked it up. Moving on. I told him I thought he was good and he said, “Oh, you’re a comic.”
Says the person who didn’t see me perform. He wasn’t in the room, he was outside, I don’t think it was shade.

I said, “Yes.” Might have been a little offended but I didn’t mean to be.

Someone else asked if my Husband and I were “together” but in a super awkward way- Straight men are tragic. I am behaving because he was cute. He literally said are you two, and made a hand motion, with the fingers locked. (He makes some jokes I don’t care for but the way straight men misunderstand their homosexual brothers.) it was not great but I’ve been oblivious to other peoples emotions or the impression Im making so, there we are.

Husband was amused, He said, “Say it, you can say it” it was so hot. Yes, we are. THAT. Later, I watched him tell a lie which was hotter.

There was a very cute moment where two comics got to talking and everyone was having a great time for just a minute, and it was great.

This time, I wanted to talk about poverty, that’s not really where it went.


About halfway through the evening , it occurred to me that I needed a drink. Thankfully, I listened and got one. I didn’t know if it would work. When I got up on stage, I wasn’t sure I had the crowd until they laughed at the first joke.

Tonight was good, it wasn’t the best, but better than last time.

I really don’t like it when people ask me how long I’ve been performing when my Father was a hardass alcoholic- forever. The answer is always. If not for Papa Bear then for the Church, until I left church at 16. The difference is that now I can say what I think is funny. It’s all the same. I’m behaving.

One guy gave me an unsolicited critique . I didn’t like him before and I don’t like him now, even though he did say something nice. I guess, whatever.
I don’t hate him or anything. The person he was with told me I was funny, but whatever.

I try to be kind to people I’m not “thrilled about”, most of the time I can’t.

I told her that he was funnier than he came across tonight. Not that he needed it, just a kind gesture. He wasn’t there for that, came around the corner and WHAM-
“You’re a little off” then “but you’re good.”

…. Thank You.

But I’m a fucked up person who needs a critique. That’s what I get for being good.

Mmmmmhmmmm

I’m not crazy about him, he reminds me of my Father, without the charisma, but I am behaving.

Another guy tried to film and the crowd did not like it. They slowed down the moment he got onstage and no one responded to the greeting. No one wants to help someone else succeed. That’s what the reaction felt like. Just an observation.

I sure think people should be better to each other, but what the fuck would I know?

**And I wasn’t throwing shade by going to the bathroom during some sets, a bitch was trying not to break down sobbing, it was not great. I hate missing anything.**

Love you Guys, I’m about to try and chill out. Please have a good rest of this week.

If you are a regular guest mine, in this space, I appreciate the shit out of you.
Thank you so much.

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On the Upside

I just got the “bullshit is that you” look at the gym, and that is always nice.

I turn a pretty color in the sun. Cut to me, trying to apply enough sunblock.

Before that, someone watched me consume my entire meal today and I wasn’t sure whether to be horrified or flattered. I’m choosing horrified since I am not a pretty eater.

I got exercise and read something incredible that I will tell you about later.

Trying to cut all the back on the I statements.

I think things are kind of okay right now but they are trying to kill us all, though. With the news and the inflation, ‘trying to kill us’, but I am behaving.

Happy Happy.

I can’t keep doing this for free.

That’s everything. Everywhere all the time.

HOW GREAT WAS THAT MOVIE?

Delicious.

Please be okay.

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About Last Night

(Rated TV-MA!)

Owwchies.

I ate it so hard tonight…  undeniable shit show tonight.

I don’t know what happened, except maybe that I wasn’t balanced, if you understand.

Twice now my instincts told me not to go up, and I did it anyway, and twice I went down in flames.

Hey, fun fact, I am a solid performer, but I am not someone who has access to all of “It” anytime I “want to”.

What I mean is that just because I can do many things it doesn’t mean that I can channel it all whenever I like.

Today I sang something and said, “Oh I sound great.” Which never happens, I should’ve been warned.

Speaking is the one that is easiest to do; not tonight it wasn’t. One of the only laughs I got was from humming. It was a terror burp, I was pulling up nothing.

So, I am up there, I make a joke I didn’t want anyone to laugh at, they all did.

I said, “Insurrectionists, make some no-o-o-ise” and they all did. I was hoping for nothing, it was a test. It was a test. 

I had them for about three jokes, about 30 seconds, and lost them.

I kept going, trying to be as real as possible, as that is the best stuff for me.

I went dark immediately…and they did not like it.

Things that affected my performance-

My bowels are affected by anxiety and on show day its always terrible.

Thank you. Today was parshitularly bad. I thought it was a fart, it wasn’t a fart.

Moving on. I spent the whole night thinking I was going to terror-blast-shit. all night.

I hated my outfit. I looked good last time. I opted out of repeating outfits. I have sworn a blood curse upon those low-rise jeans. I wore my old, safety outfit. It was bland, even by my standards. I CANNOT GO ON STAGE LOOKING LIKE SHIT. I can’t. I hate shopping! I HATE SHOPING FOR CLOTHES! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. TOMORROW! Fuck that hurt.

They were ready to go with me, too, and I just fucking missed it. Last time, it was due to being intoxicated, this time it was due to being sober. It makes sense and it doesn’t make sense. 

It was terrible, it was fucking terrible.

Something happened where the things I described were no longer funny to me. They were, but only in the darkest way and no one felt what I was saying.

I tried to retreat into my anger, but since my anxiety was jacked to hell it came out real AND, NO ONE GOT THE JOKE.

I said some super dark, real shit up there and usually it scores- NOTHING. Because I couldn’t get my mind right.

I felt it beforehand but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I got a lot of shit from the audience, and I tried to play back, but, no one got it (and it wasn’t great anyway).

Pretty much told them to shut the fuck up while I was talking.

I thought I’d get them back with the dark marriage joke but they didn’t think that was funny. Not being mean, there were no couples by then.

OH.

Some mean queen with blonde hair practically sat in my husband’s lap throwing something away-AND THEN LEFT BEFORE I COULD USE IT ON STAGE! Him leaving might have made me the maddest, I knew I could use that to be better and the son of a bitch left me standing there. I wanted to make his hateful ass laugh and then ignore him, but whatever. 

EVERYONE LEFT!!

I HATE IT!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

So, right before I went on, two tables full of people left.

Wap! Gone! 8 people. 8 people… 8 people left.

And I started getting shit from the balcony.

NO PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND A PACKED BALCONY IS FUCKED. JUST SO, YOU KNOW.

I couldn’t see them, they ALL tried to get at me at once.

It was terrible.

I have some devastatingly hilarious footage of my Husband reenacting the crash.

It was so bad. No grace. Absolutely none. At first, we were bantering then it became heckling I tried shut it down and none of it was working, I couldn’t get it together and that is just how it was.

The problem at that point was I was trying to be funny.

The whole thing was supposed to be funny and none of it was.

No one was even there, you’d think it would be easier, it was not. I had nothing. I know it’s there but it’s like it might as well not be there. 

You learn nothing from success, that thought occurred to me earlier today.

It was a bad day.

I’m not going to feel better until I win. That is the truth. It is fucked up for me. Excuse my language- Balance is a Motherfucker.

None of this will keep me from going back, I am so aggravated.

Damn that was terrible.

I can’t perform without an audience. The only time I can call it up is for an audience, and when I can’t do that I am lost. And I cannot switch gears and say, BE FUNNY IN A MUSICAL WAY, BITCH!!!, nothing. 

If I let my anxiety go unchecked, it is as dangerous as being drunk.

Fuck me. He is hopeless. Fantastic.

There was no reason, sometimes the stress overcomes me. I know I need more practice. I did everything I could to ensure my success with my superstitious ass and none of it saved me. My nerves are a real thing, usually I can drive them just above where they are fueling my ride, and then sometimes I cannot get on my surfboard, and it turns into whitewater rafting, and you just keep your nose and toes up and hope.  

You’d think I’d take comfort in the fact that I am talented, unfortunately, that is not who I am.

Worst night, so far, at least the last time failing is blurry because of the BOOZE,

I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Oh MY GOD, I forgot that right before I went on stage, I didn’t properly lock the bathroom door and some person just came in when I was in there. OOPS!

RIGHT BEFORE!

I AM DONE WITH TODAY.

If you’re out there being what you are, don’t stop. Bombing sucks, you’ll be alright.

For reference I felt like I did the best I ever did last time.

You’ll win again.

Me? I’m going to eat this coffee ice cream and zone out to some Xena Warrior Princess.

Second season?

Probably Ten Little Warlords

Goodnight.

Audio Edition-

I like this voice, if you don’t lmk
Go to sleep, gah.

I prefer the Success Insomnia, I do not like this.

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Reset

My insomnia is bucking like it always does this time of year.

I’m playing catch-up everywhere including my interactions on your pages, I have not forgotten you, it’s “that” time of year.

We both kind of hate spring. You think late winter is bleak but I hate the heat.

Summer will be better. I’ve had a wheeze since COVID and all I can think of is right now how to alleviate the embarrassing thing. Freaking loud breather.

It’s hard to keep up with everything.
I’m tired of being poor.

I’m going in a new direction and it has been wonderful.

I had an appointment for my shoulder yesterday and I’ve been in low gear trying to keep from irritating it further. Nothing new, fingers crossed, had a decent experience at the doctors, which was refreshing. Since I had an appointment I couldn’t sleep Monday, then last night, I thought I might be performing tonight but at about 2 A.M. I realized there was no way. I slept about 5 hours today between 8AM-1PM.

I am not good a relaxing. It takes as much practice for me as exercise, maybe more.

Had some very good tea a little while ago.

This year I may have been more productive career wise than ever before. I just wish my body wasn’t so frumpy.

I’m alright, it is not easy to maintain balance between Health, Mind, and Work. I sure wish my PARENTS HAD BEEN RICH. Feel like this might be easier somehow.

Anyway, that’s the story of why I can’t do overhead lifts anymore, probably.

Up until this time in my life I have been interested in strength only. I’m going to be switching gears into something superior. Yoga, Cardio, Swimming.

I am naturally muscular and I think it’s time to focus on function so I can remain upright.

I’ve been neglecting my self care for a while now and it didn’t really notice it until recently. I was so stressed on a regular basis that it has shown up as physical symptoms.
Living with chronic pain is no fun.

Sleep helps😴. Which is what I should be doing🥱 but I wanted to give you something, any little thing I could.🥴

Ready to be back in Dream World.💋

Take Care of Yourself. 🌹

-💜

PS- I am loving the sun this year. I have spent so much of my life out of the sunshine that my human body said, “…if you don’t go outside, Bitch.” The sun and the ocean are doing so much for me this year.

Please have good rest of the week!💋

Update- I’m still awake. I’m blaming you.

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Content

POV-I’m just trying to live my life and make a TikTok and my mofo phone has died seven mofo times.

I had to walk away.

Don’t be Kirby with the Hammer… Don’t be Kirby.

“Update” my ass.

I’m tired of smart phones anyway, I know I have to have at least one, fuck the world, but I’ve hated texts since they cost a quarter.-I WILL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!-I’m behaving.

Seriously, if you are not following me on TikTok or subscribed to my Youtube channel I don’t know what the fuck.

Yes, that is a new GIF for you.

-💜🌹

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Take Me Away

I think I murdered the soundtrack today

I have no alibi, I will not be answering questions at this time.

It’s chaos. His mind is chaos.

I heard somewhere that as people age they start hating music that is current and I said, No, thank you. Music is inherently good, it’s just terrible artists. You know what I mean. Its weird what makes you.

You don’t tell anyone what I did, and I won’t send those pictures–What I meant to say was- “Nothing.”.

What is evidence anymore, anyway?

BEHAVE!

-I’m Sorry

❤️💋❤️💋

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W.D.

Yesterday, I had to do some driving. Last Night, I had a crazy dream. Here we go.

So, the trip I took yesterday involved a lot of back roads.

At the opening of the dream, the sky was sunless but not full dark.

In this dream, I could run really fast. What I am telling you is that I was running on the road next to cars and shit. Yes, on the interstate, AND it wasn’t odd because there were other people doing it. It was very Kung-Fu Hustle. I remember being very careful merging. The off ramps were fun.

The landscape by then was all dark and starry. It was a mix of rolling hills and mountains in the distance. It was very pretty, like Tennessee can be.

Ok, so after a while, I am solo on the open road, which is nice but after a while I get lonesome. Right as I am wondering why am I heading in this direction, I crest a hill that has mountains to each side. At the top of this hill I see the Moon, bigger than I have ever seen it. Beyond me is a city that is wedged into a mountain pass.

It was so cute, I love places like that. Just into the civilization I see a building (on the left) and go toward it like a bird who can sense where it’s going.

The building looked like a mix of a luxurious Japanese townhouse and a modern home.
It was big, and square, the exterior was all dark wood and glass, the floor was all concrete.

This house was gorgeous.

The door was unlocked, as these things are in dreams, so I went inside.
The entry room was separate from the parlor. The entry room was small and rectangular, the door on one side and a glass door into the house.
I stepped into the parlor.

Something told me to dance so I just started dancing. It looked more like Tai Chi, but a bitch is not complaining. There wasn’t direct moonlight but enough residual moonlight for me to cast shadows.

So, what happened next is the weird part, stay with me.

I’m having fun in this house I walked into, and a man emerges from a hallway to the right. Older, Asian, Attractive. He was wearing a dark house robe.

He looked incredulous…but in an entertained way? I don’t know. I can’t explain it.

I was SO FREAKED OUT. I said, You need to leave, now. And that is exactly what happened. Burning with shame I headed out the way I had come.

WHY WOULD I ASSUME THAT BECAUSE IT IS UNLOCKED THAT IT IS “OPEN”?

He stepped towards me, but not in anger, or at least, not entirely.
I could tell that when he moved toward me it wasn’t aggressive, more curious, but I was so ashamed I had gone in someone else’s house without permission (IN MY OWN DREAM) that I couldn’t get out fast enough. Maybe he wanted to talk, maybe he wanted to kill me, maybe both, I wasn’t brave enough to stand there and find out. There was this panic that I had better get back to the other side of those doors, or else, and so I did, quick.

Yeah, I don’t know either. That one was fun, and stressful. Sorry, Mister. That was unintentional, why I thought a place so pretty would be vacant in today’s market, I do not know. I guess I wasn’t thinking.

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Pleaster

Hello, Hello!! Welcome Back!

First off, let me say, Sorry for the absence of any decent content in so long.

He is in charge of a frozen continent and sometimes the waters surrounding this bitch get choppy. You are welcome here, and I am glad to have you.

Today is as good as any to shit on Easter, right?-To just swing wide on a rant? FABULOUS. Because I am doing it.

We don’t do religious holidays in Chantarctica. But if we did, Easter is still off limits.

I am a bit of a purist. I prefer the original. When you take over all the good holidays how could you not succeed? Oh, that one hurts. Unlearning takes time. Because just wishing someone a happy Solstice or Happy Spring or Happy (FREAKING) HARVEST isn’t enough even though most of you live in farming communities, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (The Church is only another weight to you. Church is no way to overcome poverty or build confidence. Everything comes from outside yourself and can therefore be taken from you the minute popular opinion shifts, and I am only talking about my people.)

I’m genuinely sorry for the last part, Easter and Christmas get me riled up. No one has fun anymore, like no fun was ever had and everyone wonders why this planet is so dreadful.

We get to Purge Night once a year, on New Year’s Eve, and that is IT!

And we should call Christmas “Winter” instead.

I’m done!

Holidays are complicated for me. Holidays weren’t spent the way they should be spent until I started my own family. Yesterday was one of the best Holidays we ever spent together, and it was so simple. We never left the house, and I never felt the need too. It was us, and we had family over, it couldn’t have been better. We ate early and didn’t overdo it, which is hard because we are fat Americans, but we managed not to overeat.

Grammarly is out of my price range for the next two weeks and that’s just how “it is”. What I am saying is- Forgive a sloppy bitch, thank you. Everybody typos… and he is not the best speller and never pretended otherwise, thank you. And I am using Word, now.

Here we go-

Easter was a pagan holiday that was appropriated by the church to sell more WWJD bracelets to virgins.–I’m sorry!
What I meant to say was- Easter was “coopted” by Christians to drain what little joy was left in the world and diarrhea upon it-

-Fuck!-

Fine!

Fine… Easter is whatever you want it to be. And I’m sorry I was mean. I really, really hate that they took the joy out of it, and if you know what I am talking about…. I’m behaving. Rabbits. I don’t hate Christians, I resent the way they treated me personally.

I was a pagan before I was Christian, I converted, and I disavowed said conversion. I’m a pagan again and I don’t think people have fun anymore and it leads to more hell (agnostic? I don’t fucking know, none of it matters.) Some people aren’t spiritual or introspective, I probably dwell on it too much. It doesn’t matter.

Cut to me- watching the Little Mermaid Television Show and trying not to fucking consider our shared circumstances.

I hope you are all safe and full.

You know who was low key stud material? The Seaclops in Season One, Episode 16- Calliope Dreams. Maybe not even low key, maybe flat-out. I will not be taking questions at this time.

🎶Girl-Look-at-that-Body🎶

Grandpa Neptune would roll over in his grave, is what he’d do! (I’m behaving! That joke is specific to the episode. Just a little something for you… No, I will not explain it, thank you.)

Please have a good week.

Happy Spring!

(Update)

So internet, cave house, fresh water…(?)
There is never anything to eat because I am a former obese person, but you can bring whatever you like.

Steam Cave. We need a steam cave that won’t murder the shit out of us or blow the fuck up.
It’s a process.
And internet only in certain areas because a bitch isn’t stupid. Thank You.
You’re not allowed to die, thank you.

Not that you ever ask, but I’m doing great, thank you. Call your Mother.

💜💜💜

⚡️

🌹

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Poof

On vacation, I went outside to smoke.

The smoking area was very blah.

I saw some stairs going down.

The stairs looked very Westworld.

It was all open air and concrete.

One floor down it looked the same,

On the second landing it turned into a horror movie.

On the lowest level there was a hallway that led out to the beach.

It was the one time I smoked the entire time I was on vacation where it was actually relaxing like it’s supposed to be.

It was so open you could hear the emptiness around you.

I was surrounded by air, concrete, and darkness. It was perfect. and I didn’t see anyone which made it better.

Goodnight 🌕 💕💕

Going to bed.

You bitches don’t start participating and I’m shutting it down. I’m sorry!

I know I haven’t written anything good for you guys in a while. I still love you, damn it.

AND I KNOW I SHOULDN’T SMOKE, THANK YOU.

Xena…. Something Xena.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be Chakram.

Season 5 Edpisode 2.

Featuring

Big Sexy

And Brokeback HailMary.

If you get that joke we should be friends. hit me up.

And Clover Valley Jesus. (Ugh.) hate Eli. I’m sorry. Hate him hate him hate him, I’m sorry. There are some very racist episodes of Xena Warrior Princess….. Like that blackface (blackface?) episode of the Golden Girls. Later. It is important but it’s late…. Mixed Blessings-! That is the name of the episode.

Go to sleep!

Fuck!

What I mean is, “I love you.”

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Tonight’s Episode

Yesterday, I put my earrings back in after not wearing them for a year.

I have been in various degrees of defensive dress for a while.

It’s Enough. You Potato.

I look much better with them in. I’m sorry if earrings offend you, it is not really my choice.

Pardon me- My earlobes aren’t as cute as they used to be-uh!

It’s fine!

Be happy your ears are still cute, Bitch.

Tonight’s episode is Sacrifice, Season 3. 🔥

I probably won’t be able to stay awake. 🌕

Please have a good week, please. 🌹

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Last Night

I had a very long dream. I was a kid again, which always makes me uncomfortable.

It was all an Experiment.

We were in this large group and there was a separate group of adult researchers.

It was very Inventing Anna meets The Lord of the Flies

I can only remember the last scene.

All the testing up until this point had been above the board, and trust had been built.

We are taken to a beach-front building that had a wall open to the ocean.

The Tide was coming in.

I did not know how I knew what was happening, but I knew for a fact that the researchers were about to turn physically violent.

I woke up right after that.

The last thing I saw were the researchers swimming out, all of them gleeful.

And a bunch of oblivious test subjects who had no idea what was coming.

I watched a YouTube video yesterday about a social experiment.

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🎶Alright🎶

I’m feeling this.

I was not starting.

what I meant to say was

*Nothing!*

Just a pretty man in a corset. (Corset? Probably not the right word, have mercy.)

That’s how you get a dollar fifty is what that is.

I do have a Jackson Wang joke,

Imagine we’re playing i’d rather.

“I would rather get in an actual sword fight with Jackson Wang.”

It’s funny to me!

(Hint- I would Not)

Whatever!

Shouldn’t you be awake or asleep or some shit?

Gah!

I’m watching it again.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be The Quest,

Starring-

🎶oh I just can’t wait to be Queen🎶

followed by A Neccesary Evil

Join me, won’t you?

I have got to start going to bed earlier.

Don’t be an insomniac, you guys.

For Cereal.

A Necessary Evil is all about the way Callisto looks at Gabrielle right after she bashes Her.

Right Here.

It gets me every time. I know I’m repeating myself and I do not care.

And we are remembering that she actually had the shot, and had mercy.

don’t mess with Gabrielle. She will shove that stick so far- you know whAt? I’m leaving.

Goodnight.

“That was good.”

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Power

I’m not on anyone’s side,

I am not on anyone’s side…

He did laugh at the joke.

That probably hurt, both of them. That could easily make me lose my composure.

I’m ignorant, I thought Jada wore her hair short because it suits her. Had know clue. I just thought it was fierce.

I don’t want to look into if Mr. Rock knew of Her condition. and what he meant by the joke, the spirit counts for a lot.

Wait!

Wait for me please.

People who have never seen that movie and have only ever heard lesbians and “butch” girls referred to as G.I. Jane… I feel that. Men are the worst.

The only reason the movie worked was that Demi Moore was even more beautiful after she cut off her hair. (Yes, and the body montage. Focus.)

It felt like he was being mean, but in way that was almost a come on?

I don’t know how to explain it.

Then, there is- GI Jane chose to cut her hair off; she didn’t lose it.

All around rough.

All around.

I do know that when it didn’t seem land with Her my heart sank.

I mean he did basically call her butch.

I do not believe in violence, particularly over words, more so if there is a size difference-

We don’t get to say what is or is not when we were not involved.

What I can say,

I think that the (white) people advocating for a black man to lose His Oscar are angrier over the fact that He won an Oscar than anything He did.

But we are behaving.

Shit, I thought it was a stunt that went off the rails.

MEDIC!!!!

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Yesterday

(pardon me)

Yesterday,

Was some bullshit.

My family got in my head.

(My Fault)

I knew I had been being too nice.

And you start thinking that maybe Walder Frey was justified… And you stop, because- no he was not.

Ooooohh it hurt so bad.

Good luck next time you cheap bread eating–YOU KNOW WHAT?-I’m BEHAVING.

TODAY!!!!!

Today,

I saw a dolphin for the first time.

A whole bunch of them.

AND!!!

CUTE IN MY BATHING SUIT,

Not that you asked.

I’m sorry, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER MY VIEW OF THE OCEAN.

Fuckers.

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Tonight’s Episode

Will be

Return of Callisto

Featuring

Sunshine

Season 2.

Followed by Intimate Stranger

Love her. Love Callisto,

Love their dynamic.

Because a Bitch gets it, is why

Good night.

Sweet Dreams.

🌹

PS- She did murder her, now.

🎶and way down we go🎶

That in itself would prove a motive for everything else she did. Just saying. Already killed her family, didn’t kill her in battle,

“Yes, she did.”

There’s your Old Xena.”

Go to sleep, you freak.

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Alvin Zhou

Could Get It

Behave!

He’s not even 30!

Mr. Dirty Mind.

I’m trying!!!

So all I had seen were his personal YouTube, where he takes 1,000 years to make the best food ever made? You know the ones.

He doesn’t talk in those videos which I am a fan of.

What I did not know was that there is a whole bunch of other videos WHERE HE JUST MAKES BIG FOOD.

Oh. MY. GOD!

Save me from this torment!

Just a

Total Fucking Smoke Show.

Don’t tell him I said that.

Between him and Alexander Skarsgård I am done with Men.

DONE.

I am not a cook.

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Today

Apologies for the absence,

 

How did you manage without me?!

I hope you are safe, and I hope you are as close to happy as you can be right now.

 

Don’t take any shit.

Fuck them.

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Pattitude

I came into the mirrored room.

So upset, so angry, and humiliated.

That intro hit my ears like salvation.

Here it comes

The response from my body was immediate

That switch flipped.

*Skips into motion*

It was very Flashdance

Because of the my emotional state, I was able to let go and let the music take me.

I killed it.

I mean, 1980’s empty warehouse killed it.

I spun around three times and I cannot spin.

In fact, most of the time I have trouble knowing where to put my feet. Not today.

There was no doubt. It was if I’d never felt it before.

It was first time in years I had full access to my rhythm and my fierceness at the same time.

Even my Father would’ve given it up for that performance and He hates art. “Show ‘Em.”

I wish I had be able to film it, but, nope.

Damn That was Nice.

Sometimes, you forget who you are.

Show ‘em where it’s at, Miss Harding.

Idol

Last Night,

I dreamt of a sanging reality show.

I was in the cheap seats. Duh.

A Girl came on stage and began to slay.

Immediately, just Whitney Houston killing it.

Dead silence from the crowd, they weren’t reacting because the girl was Asian.

I screamed my head off for Her.

and then

“Fuck Them!”

“Fuck Them!”

“Fuck Them!”

And the chant took.

Fuck them. You go.

Bad Religion

It was shortly after Mother’s absence when I started having to rage on my Father and Brother.

Already sad

Already furious

They expected me to carry on, AND clean up the emotional muck of the Family like I had done when we were all present

AND they wanted to tear me down to degrade me so I never saw what was happening or my own importance to the dynamic.

 

Yes, You did.

 

Yes, you did.

 

Does he know men?

it wasn’t their fault, the world goes at kindness with both hands and does it’s best to tear it apart.

So, what would happen when She was around was that they would start, I would be sensitive and sad and She would unleash the thunder when she caught them. You need a woman around. People don’t respect mothers.

Anyway, my Brother caught it first in a big way in a cornfield and when my Dad started laughing I really let him have it, I was screaming and crying so hard at the end I couldn’t breathe.

It had never happened before, I had the dark implulse to lose my temper but I hadn’t on them before.

I think remember exhaustedly telling them to just kill me at the end? I don’t know. I was very dramatic, but I also never agreed to be the one who was shat on for the rest of my life either.

It got to where if I said, “Leave Me Alone” they would. My Brother was stronger but he’s never had my bloodlust, even before I was changed.

Since I am an adult now I know I can remain silent or say, “I need you to leave me alone, please.” And I do. I never just go at anyone. I’d like to be left in peace, what can you do?

 

I will rail against that toxic male bullshit until I am dead. FUCK YOU. To whoever needs to hear it, you are the reason this world is BULLSHIT. I’m behaving.

Because everyone is better off without the broken thought system.

When you see it, it changes everything. Most men are shitbags.

 

Both are better people now, I taught them a lot of that without any training, and I never get credit. Not by saying a word but by proving that good is correct by being the best I could.

 

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttcccccchhhhh.

AND BOTH OF THEM ARE WORTH MORE MONEY THAN ME!

STILL!!!

No big deal… He just works for the only University in the State that Matters.

(We were supposed to make COMIC BOOKS…..You Bitch!-THAT was a joke. We were but we learned a long time ago we wanted se-pa-rate lives. Bog Monsters are notoriously overinvolved in family nonsense, and I do not have the energy.)

 

Where was I going?

Oh, sometimes you have to be willing to stand up for yourself in a very real way. That hippie hocus pocus about acceptance and stoicism with end up destroying you if you are not careful.

 

You can’t run from everything. You didn’t start it, but you can always handle your shit, I don’t care who it is.

 

Love will make you accept some shit you’d never accept, won’t it? It will.

🎶What’d you say?🎶 🎶…She called me fat.🎶

I did ask you to leave me alone, though.

In a respectful tone.

No one listens to me.