He was also *MARRIED* before he got *FAMOUS*.
Robert(aka-Spongebob)Pants* is my ex-husband. I don’t know what the “Square” is about…Hollywood…🙄
He’s a good person…except he’s a freaking enchanted cleaning object.
He was the sweetest thing I’d ever met.
He saved me from a rip current near Bikini Atoll and I built that stupid fucking tree-dome…like an idiot. Like an idiot!
We were never right for each another and that’s no one’s fault.
We married in ‘ 94 and split in ’98 when he stopped taking his “equalizers”. His Rock Bottom was a dark place.
I had no choice but to leave when he stopped letting me sleep.
He threatened to move in next to Squidward.
*The same Squidward who has a long-standing order of protection against him.(That can happen when you break into someone’s house EVERY MORNING to watch them sleep.)*
I couldn’t…I came home.
He moved into a pineapple. Next to Squidward.
Ask Squidward, I dare you. He got around it with that slick-ass attorney Nickelodeon paid for-“A fruit doesn’t violate the order” they said. He got around it. They always do.
I swore not to speak to him for that nonsense.
The last time we were in contact my FATHER gave him my PHONE NUMBER before MY WED-DING. (Not funny, Bobby Joe!)
He was over served at a sundae bar…and bring on the drunk texts-
“I hate Patrick.”
(I wish I cared.)
“You were right, He’ll never promote me.”
(Duh. Greedy Son of a 🦀)
“I should’ve listened.”
(Duh. And I shouldn’t’ve talked so much, what else?!)
“Gary misses PopPop.”
(Don’t you talk to me about Gary! You never wanted pets, Robert!)
“”It was a moment of weakness!””
(You were a moment of weakness.)
Blah. Blah. Blah…Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit…
So he gets mad I won’t respond and validates my critical thinking skills by showing his yellow ass. We’ll save that bit of nasty for later.
I haven’t been back to the Pacific.
Recently, my ex-husband said some hateful shit about my age on his social media.
I wanted to tell him to go back to his former (better) “dermatologist” because that new work is Bump-Y.
(Sometimes things are expensive, Robert!)
But I’m not going to be that person.
Don’t let him fool you, though.
Robert had sex with my cousin, a-f-t-e-r-wards.￼ I never begrudged him his happiness and he fucks my cousin? Whatever. Men are trash, even the fem ones.
I did send Squidward a deep-sea tanq-rifle for his birthday. She loves me.
I just want everyone to be happy.
Robbie’s a good person but don’t tell him I said anything nice about him.
I hope he’s happy…
and taking his meds.