Breach

There are things in my mind that have been building for a few days. So that it does not overwhelm me, I will be bringing it here.

Last time this happened, countless repetitive dreams I had blocked out fell back into place.

Today, we are going deep, and I am sorry if it is upsetting. I do try to warn people, but I can’t always.

Today, I want to talk about Parenting a gay kid. Specifically, I’d like to speak to the Fathers. Of course, some of this will apply to Mothers, but there are plenty of gay women who can speak to that in ways I cannot.

Oh, I don’t want to do this. I do not want to do this.

I love my Father and I feel qualified to speak on the dynamic of a Father and a Son.

One- I know you don’t wanna be here. Sorry. You’re here, and so are We. Let’s just get this over with.

My Brother was born first. Had my brother been gay the story would’ve been different. No one is pressured to marry and breed like a first child.

We were summer children set a year apart-My Brother a carbon copy of my Father and me of our Mother. I do not identify as female spiritually, even though that is where most hetero-normal thinking starts. I’ve always been male.

We would teach each other-it was new. They didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I never hated what I was, I only wanted my Family to be happy. So, I tried.

For the first twelve years of my life, I tried desperately to conform. All the while, members of my Family would say, “why are you holding back?”.

Let’s get there,

If my Father could go back in time,

Even though His initial instinct would be to “Fix Me”, I know He would fight it, build an understanding, which would ultimately lead to our having a better relationship.

Which is what He’s always wanted.

Hello.

My Father wanted to meet the people I was sexually attracted too. Desperately. He never left me alone about it. His personal desire that it be a female halted it, and telling him that wasn’t an option.

I knew I wasn’t physically interested in women early. They tasted odd to me. Of course I thought I was just wrong in the head.

We need to get our tastes right, and that time is spent with us clamping down on our normal impulses, seeing them as evil.

I wasn’t turned gay by the sexual assault, the sexual assault happened because I was a sweet, passive, gay boy with questions and no one to ask.

Protecting your kids is the only thing you can do, even when it hurts. My Father had grown up around actual monsters and had his eye on the adults. You have to watch everyone, all the time. He didn’t fail. Things Happen.

Gay kids don’t get to settle into their own sexuality like their heterosexual peers. We are told that our hardwiring is flawed and needs fixing. We are rushed and thrown around and then told we are confused or ignorant.

I knew early that it was biological but thought I was evil, when morality is irrelevant to someone’s sexual nature. Just because it’s different doesn’t make it wrong.

Sometimes it is worse.

It is a fact that I could not come out for fear of my (actual) life.

It STILL makes me angry.

As angry as the first time it occurred to me.

Lots of people have done things that made me want to kill them and I got over it.

Things are different now that I am older, but I will always be aware of the wasted time.

I’ve always been homosexual, despite the constant evidence of how TERRIBLE men are.

You want your Boys to be Strong.

Make them capable.

You want your Boys to be Wealthy.

Make them Right.

Be good to yourself by investing in your future.

 

Teach them to Compete with Everyone, not just the children of “better” Fathers.

If You can’t do anything else, don’t hurt them.

Don’t Hurt Yourself.

You’ll be Alright.

💜⚡

I couldn’t have gotten this out without His help. Thank You.

Published by Chanzy

No One from Nowhere

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