Break

Some people think that if you are homosexual, that automatically makes you not a racist. I don’t know about you, but everywhere I’ve ever been the gay culture has been incredibly racist. And homophobic but that is not what we are talking about today.

This is so disgusting. You may not have heard it though, so here goes.

Some gay people have a “better them than me” attitude towards others in the social hierarchy and throw them under the bus as a way of getting along with straights.

Pressure is an incredible thing.

Sometimes (to most), it is their own racism. These people who raised them scandalized them for their identity. They are not the kind of people who understand biology, and they certainly are not looking to understand.

A Few Things-

Once I hit 10, my family never left me alone about sex, mainly out of a desire that I reproduce. (FOR REASONS KNOWN BUT TO gOD) They also believed that my lifetime of same-sex attraction would go away if I started sleeping with women. I flat out refused and my life was made unbearable the longer I fought them.

The first person I chose to sleep with was male. He was a bag of dirt but he was male.

On with the show-

I was telling someone who loved me a lie. A lie about losing my virginity. It was a lie because I made it up.

I lost my virginity in 1994.

So, I am nearly sixteen and I’m finally getting ready to do it for real. I hadn’t yet, but I wanted to. It would be another year.

I made this story up. Unfortunately, I got comfortable, and afterwards I went off-script and ended up confessing for real. Sometimes, it’s like that.

I told this person the truth about what my preferences were.

They got a scandalized smile on their face. Not about to overly-graphic made-up sex scene but my honest feelings.

When they spoke again I wasn’t expecting it.

“I’ll tell you what my Mama told me, don’t hate them but don’t date them.”

NEXT

For someone who went to Club Imagination every time he could get there, I was a bit of a prude. All of my friends were more sexually active than I was. I just really liked dancing.

At 18, I was too open with my friends about my love life. You see, there is a lot of pressure for sexual gossip in the gay community. They are beyond dehydrated. It always reminded me of the way straight men would talk about women when they weren’t around. It was gross. If I could go back and say, KEEP YOUR BASIC EYES OFF MY BODY AND YOUR GROSS STORIES TO YOURSELF, I would, but I cannot.

What I can do is tell you about the one time I met a guy at Imagination who I thought was handsome.

It is the end of the night. My young legs are worn out from dancing and it’s time to go. My friend and I are leaving.

As we’re walking out this guy and I make eye contact.

It was amazing.

Everyone around us saw us make eye contact.

It was the only time I’ve walked up and introduced myself to a Gentleman.

When He smiled at me I put an arm around Him.

The Audacity!

So, we trade numbers and agree to meet up later.

It was the first date I had set up beforehand. It would have been the only date I’d ever been on, period. (I have never been on a date.)

Let’s just land, shall we?

This guy hit all my buttons. He was sweet and when I looked in His eyes I could see Him.

I was so excited.

The date was about a week off.

And then the “friends” started.

One friend who was always too interested in my sex life made horrible, mocking, racist jokes to me. I wasn’t at the place yet where he wouldn’t speak that way in front of me. So, Humiliation. First was humiliation.

(I have a particular hatred for white people telling Black jokes. It isn’t funny. For awhile in my teens felt I was entitled to makes jokes about anything, as vulgar as I wanted because I was gay-that nonsense was incorrect.)

These were the same people who were only looking for one person sexually. Don’t make me talk about it.

My other “friend” (the one who’d been there when I MET HIM)found out what day my date was and would not stop trying to make plans with me that interfered with date.

In the end, I met him, late, and we walked around the Wiregrass Commons Mall for about 15 minutes.

And he left. Never saw him before or since, can’t even remember his name.

I would burn down your house to have that kind of man’s attention today.

No-YOU BEHAVE.

I still hate myself for the look in that beautiful man’s EYES!- I did that.

JUDAS!

I freakin’ know, I am still sorry. Will always be sorry. That one still hurts.

He smelled like Winter.

I gotta stop.

Doesn’t matter now.

Don’t let idiots at your emotions.

Don’t let anyone drive you away from someone who is compatible. That is rare.

LAST

The first boy who woke up my sexuality was a tall boy with glasses. He was attractive. Unfortunately, he was straight.

I figured, even though he wasn’t homosexual, that there had to be other men like him who were.

I was 15(?). I had never seen a person and thought- That, ForEver!! Thank You.

I was a fan.

I must have let something slip in front of one of my more racist relatives because they started going hard on how evil Asian people where and how they could not be trusted.

Which is funny because (white) Americans are the ones who agree to things and then realign when it suits their purpose, but whatever.

No one acted that way about friends only when things turned to sex.

I don’t know how racism and insecurity are tied, but I know that they are. (Self-Loathing might be a better term.) That, and that racism is everywhere. People who pretend it’s not are lying.

I’d like to point out that these things happened simply because I was CONSIDERING dating outside my race.

And because people are terrible, and so was I.

Weak.

Don’t be an idiot.

In fact, talking about other races of men solely in terms of my own sexual desires is messed up by itself!

Everywhere!

Don’t go around hurting people.

Whatever the justification for it, the reason is the same.

Published by Chanzy

No One from Nowhere

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