Ret

Here’s was a rough one,

I only ever used my strength to protect myself and those around me, in my own circle.

There were people who had it much much much worse than we did, and I never drop kicked anyone for them. And I knew how.

That is unacceptable.

All that Christian hocus-pocus about loving each other, and I didn’t mess up anyone who deserved it for anyone else.

Oh, that hurts.

No, because that is what is supposed to happen.

Oh!

I might be a terrible. Oh.

Maybe always.

FUCK.

There is one person from my class that if I saw someone bullying Him now, I would rip off their fucking head for what he went through at that High School.

Doesn’t matter now, though.

Of course, I tried to amend it, we loved the same old lady, and I owed HER BETTER TOO. I tried when it landed the first time when I finally got out, and shit started hitting me.

Be nice.

And be GOOD.

Bull

There were two boys named Zach and Daniel.

Zach was in my circle of people. Daniel was big fat jerk.

Daniel would find some reason to mock me everytime I saw him, usually in front of other. Classic Jerk Bully. Honestly, nothing super rough just a mean-ass.

Zacharias was a fucking Monster.

He would wait until I was in a state to start with me. When I was happy, he’d ruin it. When I was sad, he would give more to carry. He was never nice.

He laughed once (for real) in front of me, and I never forgot it.

This story was a dream.

And one of the cast members is based on that shit.

What, I forgot?

I ain’t writing a freaking autobiography over here, Deal with it.

I did.

There were other bullies who were more physical, but none ever actually tried to rough me up.

In this story, D and Z were my inspiration.

AND I made Him honorable, but whatever.

Because I could.

DUH.

I’m supposed to wear glasses.

Big fat freaking Bifocals.

I prefer to wear them,

I can not HANDLE putting something on my own face that can fog up and leave me BLIND.

And when you’re a goofball they are always flying off of your face!

I’m done.

I’m dealing with it.

Tape em up like they used to.

I already look older.

The glasses, I look like someone, but the voice is still juvenile.

I DON’T like it.

Old people are supposed to sound like the GROUND is calling you home.

I sound like a live action peach.

No, it sounds cute, but that is not what I am going for.

Live Action Spruce is what I’m going for.

Wave

Your Name Engraved Herein (2020)

Was a BEAUTIFUL freaking movie.

Oh my God that was amazing.

Holy Crap.

No. no. FUCK your Brokeback Mountain-THAT is what we are looking for with “complicated”.

I never fell in love with any classmates.

I did have a secret codeword with one of my best friends as well. (“Punk” it meant “I love you”.)

That’s right, I said it, Geneva County. Come get me. With your farmin’ ass. I see you. You already lost Slocomb I will come back for Hartford.

I’m done.

Another friend and I were virgins for a long time.

Later, He told me that he was a virgin long after me, when I thought I was the last person (in the world) to have sex. I remember being very disappointed when he told me. That feeling unsettled me. I don’t know why, and I don’t want to think too hard about it. He was straight and my friend.

It’s because the first person I slept with disappointed me.

The fiction is that there is always a compatible mate right there.

Gray

When I first started watching Revenge I thought I identified with Madeleine Stowe’s Victoria Grayson. It wasn’t far off. My Mother also had long black hair.

I assumed that was why I loved her, she reminded me of my Mother (or myself).

Then, CONRAD starts showing his true self, INCLUDING the fact that he loves Victoria. The feeling built until about the end of the second and it hit me hard all during the third.

When he killed her boyfriend it was clear. He was sitting beside me and I had to tell him the truth-

I don’t love Victoria Grayson because she reminds me of myself. I love Victoria Grayson because she reminds me of Him.

THAT IS HOW HE THINKS. I am behaving. But is true.

I will never be that beautiful, elegant bitch.

Unfortunately, that makes me Conrad without the cash or the Perfect Face.

It’s fine. I got it. We all knew he was going to kill Pascal, right? I mean, it’s real estate. And it’s not like he outsourced it.

I am not taking his side.

Oh.

I have a new obsession.

Come with me now.

Netflix.

Oh My Ghost (2015)

You don’t even know.

When she put those bells around her neck?!?

“Im the only one who can hear it and who can take it off.” OWNED just like that, it’s over

I’m on Episode 6, and at least twice per episode I am murdered.

I love it.

Obsessed.

THAT was worth watching.

Fire

Because I am abnormal, I never actual thought of intercourse when I was a teenager.

I wanted to wrestle with someone, preferably someone I couldn’t hurt, followed by some low-key cuddling, certainly no grinding.

Not ONCE.

Jesus Christ.

He’s a fucking moron.

I knew what sex was.

Stupid.

Weeeeeeee

Once, in gym class I was running recklessly fast and I pitched forward.

I was going so fast, I rolled and came right back up running, faster, to the shouts of delight. My PE Teacher and one wide-eyed popular boy had seen it.

I acted like it didn’t happen.

I felt like a fucking Power Ranger.

Don’t run from me downhill, though.

Momentum.

****************

Every kid should learn to fight.

Not just because it hurts.

When you get knocked down, you know what it feels like.

******************

I was so mad at Him for so long.

MeanWhile– The ONLY thing men find interesting about me is the stuff he taught me.

Ain’t THAT a bitch?

Straight or Gay.

What is that?!

We went camping EVERY weekend!!!

Fave

My Favorite thing to do with my Father was look for arrowheads. I didn’t care for fishing, but I loved the woods. I swam in many a river.

When we were little, our Dad taught us how arrowheads shine light a light when the sun is right.

And how a heavy rain washes them out.

I’m sure I’m repeating myself. I’ve found tools. I found a Bone.

It was something I was good at.

I found at least 2 priceless arrowheads.

On was white one was black.

We came up on at least three war mounds on river beds, but you don’t fuck with those.

You leave those alone. Put it back!

I said what I said.

Last Night

I had a disturbing dream about killer whales.

More specifically, a huge pod (thousands).

Feeding.

Somehow, we were allegedly safe because they were focused on other food.

We were travelling in the middle of an orca feeding frenzy to stay safe from the greater danger outside, that drove us into the chaos.

Even in my dream I knew better.

Because life isn’t Free Willy.

Orcas eat every-damn-thing.

6:45

They’re all slowjams.

………..

What I meant to say is that I’m grateful.

I was about to give up until The Cafe.

I didn’t say that.

Don’t give up, you should listen to it.

Must By 2PM.

You Must.

So, it’s a groovin’ album?

No, the old bitch gets it. I get it. He said in a desperate attempt to mask his obvious HORROR at the “no club song”.

It’s FINE!

He’s fine,

He CERTAINLY DIDN’T PLAN HIS HAPPINESS AROUND SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUS!

Around those ALLEGED ENDORPHINS

He’d never be so stupid!!

BEHAVE!

Wait. Now, I’m sorry, Make It, is cute, I GUESS that counts. And Champagne. WHATEVER!!

No, you are being picky.

I’m behaving!!

*************

I take it back.

LOVE THE NEW ALBUM. Yep. Start to Finish.

Reserve Your Judgement Bitch, and wait for the Performances

THAT is alright.

Wow.

Demo-n

Once, I was working a very labor-intensive job.

I loved it. I fucking loved it. I was paid well, and I got to sweat at work so exercise was redundant. I love shit like that.

Anyway, the owner’s son was on the same team as me a good deal of the time.

We were about the same age. I didn’t like him. At the time, I didn’t like men with long hair. He had a good-looking friend but I didn’t care for either of them. They were turds.

I’m over at this house and I’m in an upstairs living room (?) idk wtf and Long Hair appears in a hallway and says, “Come Here.”

(Oh yeah, I’m at the boss’s house)

He said it just like that, “Come Here” it wasn’t a request.

I turned into Butters, I said, “uh-uh”

“Come Here”.

I said “No”

while trying to maintain my composure.

Not trying to be unkind just

Really

Really

REALLY

Don’t care to be alone with the boss’s son. No thank you, I don’t like Her. Not outside, not Inside. Not in a room of any size, and certainly not in the narrow-hall-closet room they had their Adult Son tucked into.

DAMN, I HATE MCMANSIONS.

It made me uncomfortable. The situation, not the tacky house.

I relented.

WEAK! I know stfu. Listen!

I went into the room. I shut the door. His eyeballs changed for 5 seconds; he saw I was unaffected and fell right back into himself. No.

Nothing important was said.

And the friend can’t sit still?

No, thank you.

I left the room.

Because he did that thing were he was a j.e.r.k. and I wasn’t interested, is why.

I don’t think I will be chilling, thank you.

Because you’re a terrible person, Martha!

Everyone thinks all kinds of hateful shit until they see me do something fun. It’s everyone. It’s great to earn validation but just getting it is fine too.

They made fun of me until they couldn’t tear something down. They had just started being half nice (sort of) when this happened.

I suppose I was fun to look at when I got started.

MEN ARE STUPID. Men are gross and stupid.

What I am saying is- Youre not going to honk at me during work and then we’re buddies? We are not. I have 3 buddies, my Father my Brother and my Grandfather, end of list.

His soft tone for 6 seconds did nothing, *ping ping* NOTHING, right off the “man shield”. I know I’m good, mmmm, are we done? I already said I didn’t want to come in herez. Soo… WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

We are not friends.

With the fat jokes.

We are not friends.

Because, I don’t trust you!

With your nasty-ass attitudes.

Piss poor. Piss poor attitude.

You’re damned right, I’m difficult.

No. THANK. YOU.

Have I said I’m glad my Parents were my Parents? I could be taller, but between the two of them (ick), I lucked out. I can’t tell you, I’m not allowed, but everyone should feel the way I do and I’m not even pretty. My Husband is Pretty. I’m occasionally handsome. His is constant, mine is chaotic.

Men are stupid.

And they repeat themselves.

I try to avoid them. My first thought is usually “I don’t like her.”

I’m kind of a mean old lady. It’s okay, I have aways been a mean old lady.

I’m owning it.

Skittles

When I was home for Father’s Day, we had to drive down lots of country roads. We were in between Florida and Alabama, out in the ether, and something occurred to me.

I said, “You would think that being out here, it would be hard to find someone…” I was talking about homosexual intercourse, “but it is everywhere.”.

He laughed it off because, “What else is there to do?”. It’s a valid point, but he knows I’m right. Most people would look at the area I grew up in and assume that there weren’t any gay people.

For a population who wouldn’t identify as homo, there’s some incredibly gay shit going on down the backroads.

It’s an old rant of mine. Gay people should steer clear of straight people. Sexually, anyway. I said it. I’ve never understood my gay brother’s fascination with straight men. (“straight”)

Here’s the issue with having sex with people who don’t identify as gay- Everything is fine so long as you’re the gay one. THEY are just there, YOU are the one having fun. Please don’t get me started on this selfish type of fuckwad.

Long before I left home, probably a year after I left high school, I decided to never “be around” men who identified as straight. As much fun as is possible, which is NOT as much as you think, they will hurt you. If not in the millions of bad ways, they will overdo it in a way that messes you up. It’s just a waste of time when there are straight passing homos. They aren’t my type either, but, you go girl.

You’d think, growing up with mostly men and being disgusted at the way they treated women, I’d know better. Nope. It’s something you have to learn.

One thing I’ve never been able to do is to detach my emotions from sexual intimacy. I think everyone wants that ability. They should make a pill for that.

Unfortunately, when you’re passionate, the only thing you’ll do is make someone (who doesn’t even understand you) think of you fondly. If they are not gay, they CANNOT appreciate you. Do you really want to go through all that, so someone ELSE has good memories? You deserve someone who isn’t afraid. You won’t need a favor that bad.

Before I left home, two different good-looking boys I went to school with tried to convince me to “just get married” and carry on with them behind the scenes. (One right out of high school, one before I left Alabama.) One was drunk; ONE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. I don’t even remember their faces or names because it hurt my soul to witness. I also don’t believe in outing people. All I hope is that they found happiness.

I was a virgin all through high school because I was a control freak. I thought I was the last person in my class to lose my virginity. I was not. I should have waited. I gave up. Life was terrible, and I was tired of making it worse. I wish I had never done it, but I did. You look around you, and no one is your type, and no one is happy, and you give up. I should’ve held out, but whatever.

All I wanted, even as a young man, was a good relationship with a decent person.

Having sex with someone you don’t care about is gross. Having sex with someone who can’t care about you is worse.

Don’t waste your time. You don’t get it back.

We didn’t even START on how “straight” men spread sexual diseases then blame it on women and gays. Don’t start.

It’ll happen. You’ll be happy. Then, you’ll really be sorry.

Break someone’s heart who loves you and live with that shit.

Storybrooke

When we were down for Fathers Day, I resolved to show my Husband a secret neighborhood.

Where I grew up, there is a secret neighborhood that is right off the main highway. I assume the houses were build when the Mill went in.

As a poor bitch I never had a reason to go there.

One day, as a teen, I got lost on a bike and stumbled on it.

It was a neighborhood FULL Of Beautiful Ranch Houses.

It is hidden.

This neighborhood looks like it is in the shadow of a mountain even in broad-ass daylight.

So, obviously, I had to prove it.

It sounds crazy. There aren’t pretty neighborhoods where I grew up. But there are.

I turned down two wrong roads and found it and the third try.

First thing we see are Big Brick Columns.

BAD. ASS.

That was freaking cool.

What did I say?

Serving You Pleasantville realness in the middle of the Panhandle Wilderness.

“So that’s the Mayor’s House”

I KNOW!! But they’re all like that!

That is old money. They can live wherever they want.

I’m not bitter. You are.

Heat

I don’t know why

(And I may be wrong)

*GENERALLY SPEAKING*

When a man cheats on a woman, I’m on her side.

When a woman cheats on a man I am still on her side. (Particularly when he comes at her angry for said indiscretion. Nope. I don’t give a shit for your feelings. I do not. I do not care.)

I’ll try to explain.

1. Men are Terrible

…………………………

That’s all. End of explanation.

**************

Are we good?

**************

Fine! I’ll elaborate… geez.

99.99% of the time the she has been driven to cheat by a “Bad”, “Mean”, “Insensitive”, or just old-school “Abusive” man.

Can a Bitch get an Amen?

I SAID what I SAID.

Chad.

You heard me.

These men do NOT DESERVE YOUR SYMPATHY. (Had they been more sympathetic in their relationships that shit wouldn’t happen.)

But they get it, and more frequently than Women.

Women get no sympathy when a man cheats. More often than not, she gets blamed.

You don’t get to treat her like she’s nothing and then get mad when she loses it. But they do.

AND

Acting like all women are untrustworthy is some ol’ bullshit, and they know it. It’s one of those widely-accepted falsehoods. That shit gets on my nerves and it is everywhere. That would be men you are thinking about.

I never said cheating was okay.

But, is it cheating when he never played by the rules in the first place?

Behave!

You know what else is “not okay”?

Being unfit to be in a relationship and pretending that is has ANYTHING to do with ANYONE else.

“Encourage Me.”

🍀

This one still makes me angry.

When I was a young child, My Father let us adopt a dog. He was an outside dog, but he was ours.

He was beige and had a white ring around his neck. His name was Lucky.

One day, out in the woods, I heard an awful sound.

Being myself, I went towards it.

What I heard was people, which didn’t make sense.

Then, shouts and snarling.

A terrible awareness settles over me.

I moved closer and finally saw it.

It was a dog fight.

It was a MANUFACTURED Dog Fight.

Grown Human Beings where throwing cornfeed into the dogs’ faces, causing them to attack one another.

One of them was Lucky, the other a neighbor’s dog.

I. Lost. My. Fucking. Mind.

I remember screaming, and not because it was my dog. I knew better than to yell at adults. I also knew what they were doing was fucking disgusting.

What I wanted was for all of them to drop dead, but that didn’t happen. I just messed up the entertainment, was all.

I remember anger, and then shame on their faces.

The Dogs survived, but their relationship was forever changed. Afterwards, They would attack one another periodically, something they hadn’t done before.

People are evil.

Scream in their fucking faces if you have to but-

Howl it out.

B.D.

In my dream, I was “being shown” early Life.

(?Something)

I don’t want to think about it too much.

I Awoke in the Water.

I was taken everywhere by Water.

I was in the Water when it was full of Life.

I was in the Water when the only Life was isolated, deformed, underwater cave-mutants.

By the end, I was dream-nauseous from the uncertainty/realness of it all.

I flew off of a Lifeless Waterfall.

The Land Beneath me was Empty and Dry,

There was the carcass of a Lake that was now a big, brown rock bed.

All around was white and grey rock.

I floated in the Air, trying to scream, when I woke up.

What. the. fuck?

That was rough.

Intriguing, but rough.

G.L.B.

What is incredible is that my entire life, I felt like I was cosmically short-changed, when, as bad as it ever was, I’ve always been very lucky.

I mean, “light changing at the last minute” lucky.

You forget things like that.

I know I did.

No…no one can run like me. Specifically, scared running? No. I will throw you over my shoulder. We’re going!

I. WANNA. LIVE!

It can always be worse.

Come on Fire Rabbit.

OUAT

Rewatching, Once Upon a Time. I cannot believe Rumplestilskin killed Whitney Huston.

I forgot about the cover-up.

She Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Bit It.

🎶It’s Possible🎶

I miss Whitney Huston.

Today

My Copy final copy of the Codex Alera arrived.

Academ’s Fury

I found the last copy for $31.

And they had to change the artwork for the one that still hasn’t sold.

Trying to get a better angle?

HAHA!

YES!!!

Nothing… just a call back to a former rant

“Every Day”

*STILL!*

Cruella

It was decent. If you imagine she got that cane bloody, it was decent. (Spoilers)

Go for it.

So… those puppies were hers?

Is that what we’re saying??

because that is NOT what they told people.

Just saying.

She should’ve Maleficent-ed Mommy Dearest, but it’s alright. At least they let us see it.

I love the intro.

Did I like the Mansion, on the stormy water, with no neighbors?

Yes, I did.

Doodle

I was alone out there

And outside of me was dark(er)

Big Squares.

And I felt their faces

Big Grinning Eyes.

Insidious Curiosity.

To be fighting far from Home

And catch the Gaze of an U.N.known (Monster…)

Alien.

WhAM!

Nope.

Make them FEEL IT.

First Impressions can be wrong.

And sometimes they’re not.

Don’t Die, Don’t Die, Don’t Die.

Don’t Ask.

Featherweight

I love (LOVE) feeding my yard birds.

I don’t know why, but it is incredibly therapeutic.

They are so smart.

The Crows are my favorite. BlueJays are a close second.

When people used to talk about birdwatching I would check out.

Let me tell you something, it is freaking insane.

Watch a bird stack two crackers in its beak and peace out and tell me humans are the only creatures with souls. (And CARRI-Out)

I saw two different sets of crows SHARING A SINGLE CRACKER!

Yes!

Fucking Yes!!!

Soothe the madness you beautiful bitches.

1991

Remember when the Principal from Kindergarten Cop snapped and started killing the shit outta everyone?

Google It!

It’s the best/worst thing you will see in your life.

It’s so bad.

But it is also great…fucking AMAZING.

Dead Book Walking

I am someone who enjoys the original version of things. Not a purist, but certainly particular.

There is no such thing as “culture” where I’m from, and I’ve had to learn all of this solo. I hate relizing something I already love is only a dull remake of something superior. It happened more frequently before I was aware of the problem. So, I might even be a little OCD about it.

Case in point- Having misplaced my copy of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? I ordered what I thought was the same book. It was supposed to be from the ’80s, an exact copy of mine (I know He revised it🙄, and I am not interested. I don’t care if Jesus revised it; that was unnecessary).

Open the package, and BAM!-It was THE REVISED EDITION!!!

Alright, New Coke

And Damn You, Stock Photos, you catfishing-bitches.

I tried it,

NOPE.

She was old but still perfect and they messed with her face anyhow.

I will not.

It’s mine now to do with as I please, and it will please me to burn it.

Reflections on Revenge

Sheila could’ve made some damn money with Victoria slinging that art.

No one told her.

I thought I understood Victoria so well and one day around season 3 I realized I loved her so much because she reminds me of someone I love very much… That would make me Conrad. I freaking wish.

I love Conrad, He LOVES VICTORIA.

And there it is-Conrad. Who, by the way, is hotter than David Clarke. You heard me, Hotter than David Clarke. I loved that everyone worked another year, but killing Conrad killed a lot of my investment.

Emily could’ve saved a lot of money and gone to the pawn shop, but whatever. So much money.

I bet Patrick did some weird artist shit when he saw the Snuff Tape.

Stevie Grayson is pouring gin on Victoria’s grave right now.

They are in for some “behavioral health” issues when Carl figures out the truth. That will be a trantrum.

When that magic dust sent Charlotte back in time to re-seduce Mark Ruffalo… she kinda came back mean, right? Did she learn her lesson or didn’t she? I mean…

Lord, I was Born a Ramblin’ Man

Every day

That Book doesn’t sell on eBay is Sweet Mana from Heaven. Licking it off my fingers delicious.

I made a fair offer. I really did. $60 was fair.

Because I don’t have to pay $80 for a hardback that never retailed for more than $24.

You ain’t slick. Gouging-ass-bitch.

What is that weird, pandemic-shit?

Hardback copies of books are a thousand-fucking-dollars-apiece

don’t let them hurt you.

I’M MAD!”

Update-IT STILL HASN’T SOLD

And the prices are dropping around it!

I Know

RHOA

I am so late-

S12

Reunion Part 1

No. Snow White did not hit that mute button.

I cannot believe he did.

No, that is what you paid for, Narcissus.

Echo Echo

I don’t like her.”

He did it AGAIN

Thrice!!

(Am I the only one seeing the 😳 eyeballs?)

They should be able to read him. Uninterrupted.

Dreamz

*I can’t remember precisely where the dream starts. I do not know where the others came from.*

There was a group of between 12-15 of us standing in a small greeting area that was pretty but spartan.

There was light flooding through a large rectangular window that was off-center, on the far wall, to my left, near the top.

We were there under the pretense to scout the area to host an event for some sacred organization. It wasn’t a job or a religion, but it was important, and we were all members.

We were taken everywhere quickly like you are.

None of us were really asking questions.

A girl spoke to me, taller, short hair. Bookish cute. By her tone, I could feel we were on the same page. As in “no thank you”.

By the end of it we all realized it was an insidious test.

We were kept in separate small groups where we solved puzzles.

We were brought back together.

Eventually, we were in a fellowship hall-type space.

We were ass-deep in the middle of some kind of negotiation.

It looked like very tame legal shit and we were losing.

It wasn’t just financial stakes. There was also some dangerous physical aspect.

The opposition consisted of one person-A Stressed-out office-looking guy. He was at the far end of the long executive table. His outfit and papers helped sell “weak but correct”. Brown hair, unattractive stubble, “stress face”. He was giving us “sympathetic yet beleaguered employee who doesn’t want to do this, but has to”.

It was my dream, so I was arguing for “our” side.

Everyone was quiet. We went back and forth he kept trying to plead with the person closest to him.

He had won. They had won. We had no choice but to bend to their will.

That made me walk off. When I crossed the threshold, something hit me and I spun back around. I don’t know where it came from.

I said, “I wonder what they’ll do when they find out you failed.”.

All faces turned on him, hard.

He jumped up from the table.

He came at me around the table.

As soon as he moved towards me I went at him so that we met in the middle of the table.

He was not human. What he was representing was not human. Anti-Human.

They had only seemed to be, and since we figured it out, it broke their power to negotiate.

Face to face he was harder, more handsome, and not weak-looking. He was something entirely more powerful than me but it didn’t matter. I knew I had access to magic because of the power distribution. He’d kill me, but I’d rot his melon for him.

We just stood there. (Rules? I don’t know.)

His expression went from wild and ready to a cold regard. I was not afraid of her.

My actual body jerked. I felt it and tried to stay.

He gave me a hard-eyed grin while I was being pulled back but there was “damn you” in his eyes. I saw the room disappear as I was yanked out and put back.

I woke up with a buck, knowing in the same second that, because I left, the others were stuck there.

Husband- “Are you alright?”

Me- “I just had a …. …. stressful dream.”

Husband- “I’m sorry.”

Me-“No… it’s okay, I’m going to try to go back.”

Bewildered- “Okay…”

And I did.

I went back to sleep and went for it.

I actually got back to the place, or close enough.

I was alone floating in an empty, greenish-white void. It was like backlit paper.

I knew I’d never have the strength to get back inside the building. But I had gotten back and I knew where it was.

I sent every bit of light I could into that spot.

The outline of the building was backlit for a moment and then disappeared back into the “emptiness”.

And I fell back into myself.

I tried, y’all.

It was the coolest shit that has happened to me this year.

She knows where it is.

Shakira.