Warm

Everyday of my life I am grateful that my Stepmother was an old-school Woman who gave “no fucks” about anyone’s nonsense.

She just sent me a message that says

“Don’t trust anyone.”

You know I don’t.

God, I love that woman.

Because she knows.

And I don’t.

I really don’t.

Trust is for Falls and Money.

224

(*If you don’t like mountains, this one will bore you*)

Usually, I’d keep this to myself in some vain hope that I might one day acquire it.

I’m about a million short, but if I can’t have it, maybe one day, one of you bitches can.

There is no house to give your home a complex. Trust me, I know.

This is one of the all-around prettiest pieces of land I have ever seen. I bet you the pictures don’t do it justice.

It is in Burnsville, NC, asking 1,260,000

It is 2 Hundret and Twenty-Four Acres.

You are not capable of being ready for this-

What did I say?
That could be a painting
I am blushing. GET OUT OF THERE
And a sunspot. I can’t.
Meado-n’t you Dare
Could you imagine it in a storm?? GIVE IT TO ME!
🎶And a tree in the Meadow🎶
A shade tree with a view?!
That is a wheel-greaser right there.

I love this. This specifically. I LOVE IT.

Don’t go, pretty baby
It even has buildings you can smash!!
And if anyone gets nasty in the TWO-Hundred Acre Wood
There is plenty of space to play High Tension

I know it is overpriced, but it is also priceless, so.

I know it is in the middle of NOWHERE

(45 minutes (southwest) to Asheville… ASHEVILLE!)

But that’s the point of a hideaway.

I love being around civilization; I hated living in a remote, sparsely-populated area.

It’s still the prettiest to shit I have seen in forever.

If it had a cave, I’d sell a kidney.

You don’t know!

She could be a star!!

I’m done.

It’s not even close enough to a highway,

He said in a clear attempt to hide his bitterness.

“Where are you?”
Just at home… Super casual

Toxic Masculinity in Homosexual Men

For a long time I have been on the scent of something foul. I knew that it existed but I couldn’t figure out how to bring it up. The world has paired women and queer men together like they are the same; they are not. Homosexual men can display more prejudice against women than heterosexual men; being gay doesn’t make you immune to bigotry. Homosexual men are no better than heterosexual men when it comes to displays of toxic behaviour.

There we are, picking out your outfits and giving you shade from the sun. Society sees two equals, but what is there is still a man and a woman. Men are terrible. Homosexual men must have higher rates of psychological abuse because it is there but invisible. Even when it’s hilarious, verbal abuse is verbal abuse. That’s two, and we are not even talking about when he(man) feels justified in screaming at you(woman)—or doing anything aggressive to win an argument. Gay men should be a harbour for women. More often than not, we are the storm on the ocean.

It was a fair question-“Why do some gay men hate lesibians?” My answer was quick-“Because they hate women.”

I don’t know where it came from but I know that it’s true. In all of my time around men, I never met one homosexual man who chose his (female) friend’s allegiance over his lust for her mate. What I am saying is- all men make ruthless use of their appearance, queers eat that shit up, and women are left the worse for it. He will spill your tea. If a man(or anyone)is attracted to someone you need help with-Don’t confide in them. DO NOT take that bitch’s advice. Gay men feel entirely justified betraying a woman’s confidence to get ahead with other men.  Whatever the excuse is, it is bullshit, and he knows it. Sometimes you can’t trust anyone. It happens, don’t let them at your feelings. Also, his betrayal is sexless which is not okay. At least the other way you had fun.

There are times that a woman can’t trust a single man in her life, including gay men. Sometimes, she even has to get away from all men (including her family) to get something that is important to her taken care of. I believe it happens to all women, but I could be wrong. You would think that gay men would be perfect for difficult times, but even though he might think he “gets it”, you are a woman and he does not. He is going to tell you what he thinks, forgetting that you must play by a different set of rules. 

We are all human, and it counts for something, but don’t let them fool you… It’s not as simple as “Hey Gurl!”, (I HATE THAT, BTW) you’ve got to watch him as close as any other man. He will betray you to another man if he feels it’s “what’s best.”, and now that I think about it, that might be all men. Gross. It ain’t just the ocean that needs a scrubbing. We haven’t even started with the distorted beauty standards, or the weight shaming, later! you mean bitches, I see you! You ain’t slick, we ain’t done. But I am done for today. 

We have to do better for women specifically.

Love you, Granny. 

💜

C.B.

Cynthia Bailey was my least favorite housewife then I saw that she was the “least young”…

Looking the way she does, what is she, magic?

And She is from ALABAMA

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I can’t.

And She is not scared of you, as nice and sweet as she looks, she will drop kick you in the tits.

I get it now. Totally get it.

I’m going to love Her forever.

School

What the hell?

I’m just going for it-

Fuck!-that locker room was gross.

The locker room always freaked me out. I was, to my knowledge, the only gay boy in my class, and I was just waiting to be attacked. I never came out, but I was still sure of it. So, I picked the locker by itself and kept my eyes forward.

Then, I hit puberty and gained so much muscle that it was alarming.

I’ll tell you something else-Feeling 36375 eyeballs on your back, KNOWING YOU can’t turn around, you can’t say, “WHAT?!” Was not okay for Bobby Joe’s son. Yeah, it was validating, but they were NEVER NICE TO ME.

I was poor, and my clothes never fit, but in the locker room, they left me alone. It’s when I realized I was “body hot”, which isn’t great….you want to just be attractive without people qualifying that shit.

Also, I was not the one you could call a “pussy”, and afterwards, I’m doing something gross to your body. ? Get the fuck outta here.

It is easier for me to talk about my fucked up family than it is for me to talk about high school, and my family is fucking nuts. My little can of Planters.

High School.

Get me started

Because

Fuck it, right?

Let’s talk about high school.

I was bright but had superior teachers in Florida. Alabama, except for a handful of brilliant teachers, no thank you. Southeastern education is as terrible as you think. Worse.

ANYWAY

My Bah Bah eventually let me slide on my grades because of my anxiety.

I was a very stressed-out kid. I would be an actual psychopath if not for one or two great moments.

Once I brought home two F’s on the same report card, and it almost killed me. Me… I did. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, or the worst thing I ever did, in school. Not him. What the hell did he know about Chemistry? He was cool about it. He knew I was going to be okay. He encouraged me to do my best.

Except for this one time,

I brought home a low C in Physical Education, and he like to set me on fire.

He was not okay. That may have been his biggest aggravation with me-that I was capable physically but

1. I was lazy and

2. I HATED showing off in front of him strength-wise because his methods made me angry.

He could not abide me not giving my everything and doing my best to shame the other kids.

That C was temporary.

I always got A’s in P.E. That’s everyone, right?

“Oh my god! We’re going outside? What???!”

BITCH! I grew up outside!

(Damn, I loved Field Day)

Balls

🏀🏀🏀🏀

150 DOLLARS?

FOR A BASKETBALL??!

Bitch!!

What is that?!

🏀🏀🏀🏀

For what?

Are they going give me the rest of the cow?

Is it cow leather or horse leather?!

Fucking UNICORN leather.

Damn

A Secret

For whatever reason

I know this is true

The only real difference between homosexual men and heterosexual men is their sexual orientation.

Sounds plain to everyone, and you’d think, right? Ummm, no. I lived around actual hill people and I know the truth.

We were EVERYWHERE, even at the end of the Earth.

But people are assholes and men are the worst so they have to act like we are abnormal.

Remember that shit when they’re disregarding you. Fuck them.

You are not an abomination. You just are.

(Hell, if I know why… probably some mean cosmic joke, but whatever, I love my gay ass.)

*Everyone is the same, but don’t make me go there… that’s another rant.

Next Door

My Brother and I grew up next door to a pair of sisters. Everyone thought we were going to marry each other. Their Father, was, rightly, “not there” for it. That was a scary looking sob, okay? Trust me.

When it slowly came out that I was gay he met me outside when I was walking past with the biggest smile. Super nice.

Thanks.

It was one of those unexpected good things that happen because of an unpleasant experience.

I wasn’t mad, it was funny.

I wondered what the hell he wanted and he was just- “Hey Chanzy!”

What?! OMG. WHAT??

“So you’re leaving?”

“Yes Sir.”

(He meant after graduation… I’d gotten a scholarship to a local community college and I was LEAVING…)

He congratulated me and I went on to the house.

It didn’t occur to me until a few months ago that the smile was relief. He knew I was crazy but the gay thing accounts for a lot of it.

Believe me, If I thought I could’ve come out sooner I would’ve never been in the closet in the first place... Would’ve cut out a lot of nonsense.

He had a good job and both of his kids got into good colleges because of their grades…

I should’ve been taking notes.

2021

I have so much to do this year.

It’s been almost as long with me in control of my life and I am not any safer. I’m in a better place, but no, it’s the same damn thing. I can’t help anyone.

It’s alright. Super Alright. I got it.

Mama Said

I was walking down a windy street, lost in a daydream, when I went for it and prayed to my ance-sisters* for help.

Their answer was soft and comforting…until,

-WHAM!-

“He won’t save you.”

fell into my head in the correct tone. Then, sadder, “He can’t.” which eased it. Then, darker, “We couldn’t save ourselves.”

Isn’t that typical? Ruthless in Her wisdom.

But it’s true-

He can’t save me. No one can.

Anyone and anything that tells you that it is possible outside of yourself is incorrect. You. You have to do it. Which means I have to do it. FUCK!!

BITCHGlitter!

I’m not an idiot… just crazy. Psychosis aside, it is solid advice.

BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD ME!

Is why!

And none of us is ever really safe?

Right…

Great….

Great.

*You like that? YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

Anxiety

In Kindergarten our handwriting teacher freaked out on me.

I was a Lefty and it was not okay.

She was not fucking around.

She screamed at me for a while.

Thank goodness that’s all she did.

I cannot write with my right hand, and I could tell she really wanted to mess up my left hand. I know people. I can do things with my right hand I can’t with my left hand.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO USE THAT BULLSHIT SHARPENER?! 

When the guy at the top of roll call gets verbally flayed in front of everyone because of “Jesus”(?) SUpRisE- only lefty in class. I don’t fucking know, she was swinging wide. She flat-out went on a sideways religious rant.

I am not evil you crazy heifer….I’m sorry Miss!

She was scary.

But a Bitch has good handwriting

What was I saying?

?

Oh!

If you’re freaking out,

Trying tugging on your earlobe,

One long tug, slow

🎶Don’t Hurt Yourself🎶

Whichever hand is dominant

No Judge Judys here.

Hyper

I forgot the male term for nymphomania had to search for it and THIS. SHIT. COMES UP-

*Black Light Attack!*

I can’t.

I cannot.

I rebuke that. It is NOT more common in Women, you Bastards, that’s a lie. It’s a nasty, nasty lie. To soothe your pride, it is a LIE. Which is why you need your own stupid word. Satyromania…(ISN’T THAT FUCKING STUPID?) Get me started.

That would be MEN, (straight) Men who are more likely to be hypersexual.

Fuck them, it doesn’t even MATTER, we all have sex drives.

Don’t let them at your feelings, what do they know? They think women are whores and men are just weak…that is BULLSHIT.

MEN ARE TERRIBLE!!

fuck them!

I’m done.

I’m sorry.

Ask your Mother.

Good

Remember when Goodkind sounded off on that guy from New Zealand, personally, for selling hot copies of, whatever that book was?

Not siding with a thief, but part of his lore is how much money he made off his first book,

Or Are you so hard up for $20?

(Like, OFF on that guy.)

Just seems like someone else could’ve done that…seamlessly.

I don’t like her.

Let me get you this water because you are dehydrated.

Wizards First Rule was the first fantasy book that I liked. Fuck you, I didn’t know better.

Don’t. Spare yourself and just don’t.

Gross.

Confessor was alright. It was alright. I read them all up until last because I cared….Don’t! He kills the jasper mordsith straight out. Don’t start.

Gold

Be a good Bounty Hunter….nope. I’d pick up smoking again I just know it

Be the best pimp… no. I’d mess up men who hurt women for free, and people who own houses are GROSS. Don’t start. Don’t start. GROSS.

Be a good cop, don’t wanna. Even though, part of me wishes I had just been in the Capital randomly when those white-devil treasonous-scum-wads were bucking. They should not have gotten close.

Be a good soldier, even though the basic-est bitch training would kill me.

I have to learn something ELSE

DAMN IT!

School, AGAIN.

Fuck!

(Why you so stupid, stupid?)

Fuck!!

Hold up…

I can do a spot on Bane. Anything?

Money please!!

No?

“I get it”

Can’t do Early…(EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD…He was my Father.) But no. I cannot make the sound.

I gotta tell you, being poor is a motherfucker.

When I was in school things never actually turned out because my Father never gave them legit documentation. It happens. Talk to a poor person.

I cannot go that hard again and be cheated at the last moment. I will owe the money anyway, whether or not so I WILL be finishing, thank you.

In four years I’ll still be the same age, regardless if I go to school or not. I’m already tired all the freaking time.

FUCK

I begged my Father to let me take my GED at 14 and he refused. DAMN IT, man. The nearest class was 2 towns away, it might has well have been the moon. My Father is not a fan of civilization. I can see it, but that is not who I am. I should’ve gone harder. The truth is I wanted to graduate…(stupid.)

I could’ve started college early.

And, now my dusty ass has to learn something ELSE?!

BITCH!!

J’accuse!!

Veneno

Is a must-watch for homosexual men.

Learn something…some of it is goofy but most of it is on point.

There’s nothing I hate more than a transphobic homosexual. No, you are going to be better because I say.

Notes-

NSFW-In a big way, worth the watch. I’m not crazy over nudity either but it didn’t ruin anything.

Watch the Original Audio, please…

Go on, HBO.

C

I never look as good all day as I do at the gym.

It’s aggravating because for the rest of the day, I look like shredded wheat. So, I get 2 hours of strength and coordination only to blunder through the rest of my day with my klutzy-ass and my rusted-tin-man-body…? It’s like that, huh? Without my oil can? Fabulous!!

There is something about that, though I don’t think I can explain it. I talk a lot about exercising because it’s important, and people should know. (Sad people don’t exercise, happy people do.? Something like that.) .

Last year made you think exercising wasn’t necessary because of all the mental and spiritual strain, but you have to do it. Do you wanna live? (DYWL)

The point of that story is that I used to go all day never looking good, and now it’s down to 23 hours. You can do it. You can totally fucking do it. I am the laziest fucker you know…

But I do wanna live.

(Fun fact- I never really know if my body will function. It happens. I used to be able to win every cartwheel contest, and now stairs are the enemy.)

Clean

Being able to come home clean from the gym is a luxury I never knew I needed.

My last gym was low-rent and the locker room was freaking gross. It was.

Im not crazy crazy about the charge at the new place but that locker room is freaking alright.

Priceless.

I literally just want to be left alone, and there’s never anyone in there! Fucking Brilliant.

I never thought I’d understand “nice” gyms.

Like towels, I get it now…

You’re not saving money if you’re not leaving happy. Exercising is dreadful. Do it somewhere nice.

It’s fucking worth it girl, get you some.

Mrs.

When I was about 12 or 13, our youth group visited a nursing home. They told me it was full of old people…I like old people.

It took forever just to get there, which was unsettling. They had them in storage, in the back.

When we pulled up outside the Geneva County Home, I couldn’t even see the building. It was so black outside. Once we got in, I realized why.

That was the scariest fucking place I’d ever been.

It was a poorly lit hallway with small rooms that had no visible windows. It was “old jail”.

I thought we would get to talk to some old people, and was actually looking forward to it. This was not that kind of place. For one thing, nearly all the captives were bedridden. That was rough. Even a pleasant outlook can only help so much when you can’t move.

The staff thoroughly warned us that one of the patients was “dangerous” in a sexual way. Their (*not doctor*) diagnosis was that this patient was a monster and a pervert. They kept saying “she” and “her”, but not in the correct way. There was a mean smile behind it. 

When I first saw her, She was lying in bed, under green fluorescents. She was tall and had short grandmother hair. Her eyes were green. When she initially saw me, she tried to move. That’s when I saw that she was secured to the bed. 

She couldn’t speak. She had handsome facial features due to age (and a lack of care), but she had transitioned so far as a person could in that place at that time.

(From what I know now, I would wager that Mrs. “Maggie” had dementia of some kind and was hypersexual. I could be wrong. Who the hell knows. She wasn’t “crazy” or “wrong”. They were ignorant.)

I have got to say this, everyone in that establishment, staff and patients included, treated Her like she was a fucking sideshow.

The staff wasn’t beating her, she had no bruises, but they were hurting her anyhow. The dying treated her like a criminal, and the staff treated her like a pet freakshow. No one was treating her like a person.  

It occurred to me that the staff could treat her as the residents did, and I was grateful for their morbid curiosity. (Another resident came in and tried to hit Her while we were standing there!)

When we finally made eye contact, she went still all over. I went still all over. In a room full of crazy old people, in the middle of nowhere, we had found each other. I am not trans, but I knew we were related. I told the nurse she could leave, but she wouldn’t.

I stood frozen. I couldn’t leave her once I’d found her. I desperately wanted to speak to her alone, but I never got the chance. 

Later, my ASSHOLE of a youth minister strolls into the room, sees that I am vehemently upset, and this motherfucker has the NERVE to FUCKING SMILE AT ME as if to say, “If you don’t straighten up, that’ll be you”….smiling at Her predicament.

I don’t like bullies. What can I say? It set me off.

He usually dealt with my Mother, but cruel smiles have always sent me straight to Bobby Joe. I don’t know that I’ve ever been that angry. I wanted to burn that motherfucker down. Truly.

Instead, I squeezed Her hand and, without looking down at Her, I spoke directly to him, cursing at an adult for possibly the first time in my life,

I said (something like), “I’ve had e-damn-nough.” to my Youth Minister’s face.

It fucking killed. Slaughtered. She couldn’t speak, but she could laugh. She laughed so hard, the staff came to check on Her. God!-It was good.

He wasn’t smiling then, imagine that. He tried to holler something over the sounds of Her laughter, and couldn’t, which was even funnier

I exited on the laugh and spent the drive back silent. Fuck them. Fuck that. Trans people deserve no less dignity than you. There is no difference. Take care of one another because the World does not fucking care. 

I love my siblings, and you can go fuck yourself.

15

At 15 I had one shot (one real shot) to escape in my own right and I squandered it trying to prove a point!

I. wanted. out.

I know he loved me, it wasn’t enough that motherfucker was crazy. (He, yes he, specifically, tried to break me. It didn’t work. I’m still who I’ve always been. )

My Father laid into me about a singular dirty bowl in the sink.

I was ripe for it, a storm kicked up, and I ran off.

I was still not happy about bad weather then and the storm definitely fueled my step.

Should’ve just stayed on foot…

I will always regret not leaving the state then.

(It was the worst night. Followed by some Spartan shit. I turned green for a few days.)

I craved three things- security, peace and freedom.

I was smart enough to have them all,

And my Father was smart enough to fuck up my documentation so I couldn’t run.

I would have left.

That’s👏why👏He👏never👏taught👏me👏 to👏DRIVE!*

🎶Vroom Vroom bitches🎶

It’s just that a lot of the unforgivable shit happened at the end.

*For the record, I didn’t know anything until 19 but I’m a great driver. Nyah Nyah

I spun a Jeep twice without flipping it after a drunk bitch hit me.

I AM the getaway driver!

Cheeky

I have beautiful skin everywhere but my face.

AINT THAT A BITCH?

Yes. I blame my male relatives and male friends for pressuring me into sex leading to my acne. It was horrific stress acne and when I figured that out it went away.

I swear one day it hit me that my Father (or some Psychotic Corn-Fed Farm-Person I went to school with) might lose patience and force me into heterosexual intercourse and

💥BAM💥

years of looking like a monster…

And not knowing that internalizing stress was killing me…(at least my cheek-skin.)

Everyone thinks they can “fix it”.

Calm the fuck down.

THAT will fix it.

And it’s FREE Bitch!

You’re gonna love the way you look.

I wish I’d know earlier that the manual override was not really anyone’s business.

My Father is a prude for someone who used to sleep with every pretty woman he could.

By 12, He wanted me to find a girlfriend, I wanted to sleep with every handsome man I saw.

My Stepmother is from a different time, she did not approve.

My Mother was honest about that stuff but it was past tense.

When I calmed down it was effective and the result immediate. New face.

It wasn’t over, but, yep.

I really don’t like people acting like self exploration is a bad thing, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

Please stop.

It is the only true safe sex.

Because

Because I was sandbagging it, is why.

Why would I try to look my best so people can be rougher with me or mine? It was a significant event, and I’ve been wrong about outfits before; under is better.

I can heft it up and fix my shit, but why, for who?? When I feel like it, I will, and when he needs it, I will.

I don’t give a damn what you think; I grew up not wearing shoes. Hear Medon’t give a damn what you think.

Of course, you want to look presentable.

Of course, it’s all most people care about.

Who doesn’t want to look “good”?

It isn’t about that

Sorry, that’s a call back to a previous rant.

I’ll blow the dust off my dusty-ass when I say.

Ragin’

Purge Night is real. For most Americans it is New Year’s Eve. Like the sun will come up different. Gross.

People do whatever they want.

I don’t know, there’s something about Purge Night and these assholes in the Capitol. His buffoonery cost people their lives and that’s on everyone… I’m still shocked he was banned from Twitter.

What.

Did. You. Expect?!

Why wasn’t there heavier security on a potentially “bad” day?

Their postures were entirely different. Like teachers with a rioting class. No guns pointed, even with beanbags.

So a BUNCH of people just messed up our fence and WANDERED AROUND INSIDE. And 4 people died? 4 out of how many? How many got in and were any of them smart enough to put us at(more)risk?

I know I’m not very nice about defense. Whoops.

I’m concerned about late next month. I feel like bad things are going to happen in places without “proper” security

But as we know

WHAT IS SECURITY??!

AH-HAHA-HAHAHAAAAAH-HA

I’m not a Republican. I think they are going through a DiVorce right now and being mean won’t help anything. I wouldn’t trust “anyone” to “anything”. Going through 2016 was rough for everyone. It’s over. And 2020 is over.

I hope that actual Republicans find and weed out any bullshit grimy-shit that happened with the HUGE administration.

I grew up in Alabama, the Heart of Dixie, and I hated the Confederacy. I’ve always hated it. Smart people do.

Civil War is fucking stupid no matter what anyone tells you. And THEN WHAT?

I can’t.

Let’s just get to spring.

They didn’t tear it up on Purge Night like I thought.

What is that?

I just want everyone to live for fuck’s sake.

Stay inside you big freaks. 🖤💜🖤

Max

It took three boxes of strips to wax my body. Am I even human? Why is there so much hair on my hands? To what end?

I had to do it a day apart so I had one mangy-looking leg for a minute.

It hurts so bad.

Upside, I was so angry while I was doing it that I got some great pulls and was able to get areas that usually hurt too much.

I have not felt good about my appearance since the last time I waxed which was months ago.

How does it makes my face look better? I don’t know.

3 boxes and hours of torment later…

I mean… what wax? What are you talking about? Of course I’m naturally smooth.

Like Batman.

M.B.

Yesterday, I started with an exhausting workout…. and I mean I went at it. I assumed that I’d be spending the day mostly lazy so I went crackers.

No harm right?

Nope. After my workout, and a long drive, I came home where we ended up moving 2 tons of wood from the front.

Today, everything hurts. My knees, my hips, my back, my belly…. all the way up to my side-boobs-EVERYTHING. My eyebrows hurt.

My Body

My Body

My Body

Don’t get old.

On Robert Pants II

I needed Katara’s number.

Wait! Let me Finish!

I did not reach out he sent me a stupid Christmas message in a bottle and my dumbass opened it. It was only his number in red and green. Of course.

You know who he is.

Anyway, I needed some help from Katara. I wanted to talk to her but he knows I don’t have her number.

Last time I saw him, that yellow bastard physically took my cell phone (and my contacts)… so I took it and slammed it against the wall. I’m not proud, it was not great. That last time He was trying to get me started in a bad way and I just left.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Which is funny, because that’s exactly what happened.

I called his ass (international from a Land Line like a cave-person) and he answered the phone.

I waited on him to speak. He waited on me to speak.

And it went on for 49 minutes.

I lost patience and hung up…he won. He knows I don’t want to speak to him…I needed information.

He always does this near around my anniversary. (Which is ridiculous because he never remembered ours.)

Gods only know what he did to Squidward before he started with me.

He doesn’t even want my attention anymore, just wants to remind me he’s still on T.V….

Bastard.

*************************************

You’re going to give Katara my new number, Bobby.

Before the 1st.

Thank you.

Please don’t make me come down there.

Send the message, then loose my number, and don’t ever tell me how you knew exactly where and when I was.

**************************

You Already Know…

After seeing the Christmas pictures, tomorrow is a workout day. And a manscaping day.

And maybe a finding some super-expired mushrooms day, and a baby sheep sacrifice day, and a RuPaul face-snatcher day.

The next million days are workouts day.

You better hold that camera up, bitch. Listen to Bop Bop; he loves you. No, that was not okay. Shit, don’t blame me. I didn’t know!

Don’t start. I’m the one who has to fight off fat face and old age every day for the rest of his damned life…. (and ugly…and gross.) FABULOUS! *insert psychotic white-lady laughter* Don’t start.

And death tries to creep back up on you.

How did I start to get fat again AND my face has no fat-cushion?!?

What the Fuck??

HOW?! What is that?!

I can’t.

Stay Safe, damn it.

I hope your holiday pictures are kinder to you

-💜🖤

SWISH

I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special…this couldn’t have actually happened, right?

I’m tripping balls holiday-style…right?

(Thank you, Dayton)

-That opening looked like a Pizza Hut commercial.

-White Walker Wookiee. This cannot be real.

Also, I do not speak Wookie, can a bitch get subtitles?!

-Who did Luke Skywalker’s base coat? That is incorrect

-And now it’s a dirty kaleidoscope…

I’m going to pee.

-And now the Empire is in the house?! (On that green carpet!)

-🎶And then there’s Maude🎶

-OH MY GOD HE WAS GOING TO KILL THAT BABY!!

-Holy crap, it’s a cult.

-And Carrie Fisher sings it home.

Worth it! Show me how to live!!! 💜💜

“May the Force be with you.”

And also with you.

CDC

We were so poor-

A tree falling was the most exciting shit in my life…for MONTHS. My Brother and I discovered it after a storm, and we used it as a staging ground for some epic fantasy shit. (For months)

It was so much fun.

But I’m a “millennial”. The fuck you say…

Bitch! You grew up with a phone we don’t know each other!

Calm Down Chanzy

Pardon me, who I actually am broke through for a second. I love you, you’re safe, and we will NEVER. That memory came back because I was stupid enough to down trees without thinking

“Oh yeah. The tree.”

I forgot about the tree.

I remember now.

Extra Intro-rdinary

How about- I hated going anywhere and only routinely left my home for the gym or the food place…

But now, that we all have to stay inside like it’s Silent Hill, I’m going stir-crazy. Anybody else?? What is that about?!

The first season you’re thinking- “Look at these sad ass clowns”. Nine months later you want to haul ass like it’s “Get Out” but you don’t, Because you are happy. You married a yellow hair first and you’re happy.

It’s a good thing, because there’s nowhere to go. Like every scary movie…there is no escape, bitch!

Be good to yourself. Most people are fucking morons but you’re alright. There will be years worse than this. Fuck this year…and the last few years can hop on the same fuck.